Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)
- Thread starter Rasputin
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Re: Official Joke Thread
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Re: Official Joke Thread
A man was conducting an All Service member briefing one day, and he posed the question: “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A Navy sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A Army soldier said, “I’d hit it with my boot.”
A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”
An Air Force airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a damn tent in my room.”
A man was conducting an All Service member briefing one day, and he posed the question: “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A Navy sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A Army soldier said, “I’d hit it with my boot.”
A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”
An Air Force airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a damn tent in my room.”
Re: Official Joke Thread
I would have been confused as well...I never encountered a tent in my room...
I would have been confused as well...I never encountered a tent in my room...
Re: Official Joke Thread
An old fellow was telling his barber it had been years since he had a good shave, since his cheeks were so wrinkled.
"No problem." said the barber and pulled a small wooden ball from a drawer. "Put this in your cheek."
With the ball to stretch his cheek the old fellow received the best shave in years.
As he prepared to go, he inquired of the barber, "That was a pretty small ball. What would you do if I swallowed it?"
"No problem" "replied the barber, "I'd just wait a couple of days for you to bring it back, like everyone else. "
An old fellow was telling his barber it had been years since he had a good shave, since his cheeks were so wrinkled.
"No problem." said the barber and pulled a small wooden ball from a drawer. "Put this in your cheek."
With the ball to stretch his cheek the old fellow received the best shave in years.
As he prepared to go, he inquired of the barber, "That was a pretty small ball. What would you do if I swallowed it?"
"No problem" "replied the barber, "I'd just wait a couple of days for you to bring it back, like everyone else. "
Re: Official Joke Thread
Apparently Monica Lewinsky won’t be voting for Hillary Clinton this election
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: Honey I’ll be home in 20 minutes.
Q: What is Bill Clinton’s definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”
Apparently Monica Lewinsky won’t be voting for Hillary Clinton this election
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: Honey I’ll be home in 20 minutes.
Q: What is Bill Clinton’s definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”
Re: Official Joke Thread
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Re: Official Joke Thread
LAST MESSAGE ABOUT MY DOG - PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME ANYMORE!
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT MY DOG, PLEASE BE ADVISED, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HER.
YES, SHE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING TRUMP T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR BUTT CRACKS, AND THREE FLAG BURNERS.
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .HALEY IS NOT FOR SALE!
AND NO, I DON'T APPROVE OF HER SMOKING, BUT SHE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HER MOUTH!
LAST MESSAGE ABOUT MY DOG - PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME ANYMORE!
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT MY DOG, PLEASE BE ADVISED, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HER.
YES, SHE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING TRUMP T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR BUTT CRACKS, AND THREE FLAG BURNERS.
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .HALEY IS NOT FOR SALE!
AND NO, I DON'T APPROVE OF HER SMOKING, BUT SHE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HER MOUTH!
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