Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

An older man and his wife of 5 decades are driving on I-20, when the man spies a police car in his rear view mirror, sirens blaring. His wife, who is hard of hearing, shouts, "WHY ARE YOU SLOWING DOWN?". The man shouts back, "WE ARE BEING PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE." The wife responds "YOU WERE PROBABLY DRIVING TOO FAST. YOU ALWAYS DRIVE TOO FAST."

As the officer approaches the car, the man rolls down his window. The officer leans down and says, "Evening folks. I pulled you over because you were speeding." The wife shouts, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Old man responds, "HE SAID HE'S PULLING US OVER FOR SPEEDING." The wife shouts "SEE. I TOLD YOU. YOU ALWAYS DRIVE TOO FAST."

The officer then asks, "May I see your license and registration?" The wife shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Old man responds "SAID HE NEEDS TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION." The wife shouts "WELL, GIVE IT TO HIM. YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SITUATION IF YOU DIDN'T DRIVE SO FAST."

The officer notices that the old couple is from Auburn and being an Alabama fan, he thinks he'll have some good natured fun with them. "I see your from Auburn. I used to date a girl from there. Worst piece of tail I ever had." The wife shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The old man responds "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU."
The cop would have had to let him off with that comeback!
 

MegaVars

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" She replies, "It's Frank, The midget."
 

Bamaro

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Re: Official Joke Thread

The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good!

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" - no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. "Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came-up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.
 

cbi1972

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Re: Official Joke Thread

One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says he’d be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.

"What’s wrong, Bill?" his wife asks.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn’t."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"We both got fired."
 

ValuJet

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A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible"..

The doctor says, "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage, then, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".

The man does this and goes back to the doctor and says "I feel wonderful, what was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick."
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
 

DzynKingRTR

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. Suddenly he picks up the dog and starts swing it around and around over his head. The store manager walks up and asks him “Can I help you with something?” The blind man says “No thanks, I am just looking around.”
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
 

ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A professor at the Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?'"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'"
Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'"

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'"

Ahmed replied, "Sorry, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Corny Joke of the Day

Polly Potato comes home and tells her dad that she has a date that night.
Her dad says, "That's great Polly, what kind of potato is he? Is he a Russet potato. Russet potatoes are good."
"No, dad, he isn't a Russet."
"Is he a Sweet potato. Sweet potatoes are great."
"No dad, he isn't a Sweet potato."
"Well what kind of potato is he, Polly?"
"Dad, I'm going out with Matt Lauer. He's just a commentater."
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

The Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
------------------------------------------
The Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a half a head of lettuce.
The young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room the boy says to the manager, "Some jerk wants to buy a half a head of lettuce..."

As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the man standing
right behind him, so he adds "...
and THIS gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, Sir," replied the boy.

"Well why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
"Sir, there's nothing but ho's and hockey players up there," said the boy.

"Really?" said the manager, "My wife is from Canada."
"No way!" said the boy.

"Who'd she play for?"
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

FOR SALE BY OWNER.


Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
 
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