Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

Re: Official Joke Thread

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town:
a Presbyterian church,
a Baptist church,
a Methodist church,
a Catholic church
and a Jewish synagogue.

Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

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There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Florida State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page.


On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

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LOL.....

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Why were Star Wars sagas 4,5 and 6 created for theaters before sagas 1,2, and 3? Because in charge of movies Yoda was.

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Two women are standing in line to see if their names are in the Book of Life. The first lady says to the second, "how many times were you married on earth?" The second lady replies, "4 times and I loved every one of my husbands; a banker, an actor, a pastor and a funeral director. "The first lady has a puzzled look on her face and finally asks, "why get married 4 times?" Without missing a beat the second lady says, "1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go. "

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A man walks into a bar with his dog . . It is last year and the Alabama v Tennessee game is on the tvs. He sits at the bar and his dog sits next to him. They aren’t there long until Bama scores. The dog looks up and barks “Roll Tide.” The bartender raises his eyebrows and moves on.
It isn’t long until the Crimson Tide scores again, the bartender looks over and sees the dog bark “Roll Tide” again. Alabama scores several more times, each time the dog barks “Roll Tide.”

The game ends, Alabama wins, and the dog jumps onto the bar and does a “Rammer Jammer.” The bartender walks over to the man and says “That’s some dog you have there, but what does he do when Tennessee wins?”

Man says “I don’t know. He’s only eight years old.”

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Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

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^^ LOL Highway59.....good one!

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It's a simple joke but her goes:

I know all but one of the letters of the alphabet, but I don't know y.

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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.....One day, her 9 year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps......Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so the woman hides her lover in the closet.....
The little boy whispers..."It's dark in here"
The man whispers...."Yes it is"
Boy......"I have a baseball"
Man....."That's nice"
Boy......"You want to buy it"
Man...."No thanks"
Boy......"My dads right outside"
Man....."Ok how much"
Boy....."$250"

Over the next few weeks, it happens again, and the boy and the lover end up in the closet together again....

Boy......"It sure is dark in here"
Man....."Yes it is"
Boy...."I have a baseball glove"
Man remembering last time says "how much"
Boy....."$750"
Man...."Fine"

A few days later the father says to the boy.."Grab your ball and glove, and we'll go play catch"..The boy says "I can't, I sold them".....The father says "really, how much did you sell them for??" The little boy replied.."$1000"..

The father was outraged...."That's way way more than those are worth....how terrible for you to overcharge your friends like that....I'm carrying you to church so you can ask for forgiveness for what you have done"....

The father and the boy go to church, and the father makes his son go in the confessional booth and close the door.....

The little boy says...."It's dark in here"
The priest says.." Don't start that crap again"

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A guy was out on a date with a fine looking (hawt) female. He stopped the car and asked, "do you believe in the hereafter?" She said, "why of course, don't you?" Being the gentleman that he was, he replied, "yes I do and do you know what I am here after?"

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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

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One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

Re: Official Joke Thread