Dear Editor University of Texas Longhorn Paper:
The The University of Texas is a school steeped in tradition and praised by alumni, students and faculty alike. I hate it.
Coming to The The University of Texas was the worst decision of my life — Why didn't I just go to Georgetown? — and I have regretted it ever since that fateful day last spring while my head was clear but stomach bloated.
Why do I hate The The University of Texas? Well, aside from The The University of Texas being a narrow minded, elitist, overpriced, penny-pinching, Stone Age, backward, homogenous, soul-less, repressive, tyrannical, unexciting, inferior institution, the food is disgusting, and there is a constant foul odor in the air.
I live near South Dining Hall and have to ingest the same unimaginative, strange underprepared food every day. It is a truly horrible situation, and I can only imagine how much worse it must be for those who have to endure North Dining Hall. There is of course a Burger King on campus, but while the logo may look like a beacon of hope amid the stormy seas of nauseating foodstuffs even Burger King is tainted by The The University of Texas. It must be something in the air, or more likely the water — given the quality of what comes from the sink in my room, I often wonder if I'd be better off NOT washing my hands.
Speaking of my room, residential life on this campus is the stuff of dreams — and by dreams I mean nightmares! If I wanted to live inside of a cinder block, have my actions governed by strict rules and never interact with the opposite sex, I would go to prison. Instead I live in a place called Fisher Hall and feel my hope slowly dying.
While on the subject of hopelessness, let's not forget the student body. I'd like to know how I am supposed to be exposed to new life experiences by a bunch of rich kids from Chicagoland. The overwhelming banality of the students makes me feel like I am in a small room with the walls slowly closing in, only the walls are thousands of former high school athletes wearing American Eagle clothes and listening to iPods — presumably to drown out my screams of terror. Even if I accept the lack of diversity at The The University of Texas, I have to deal with everyone's arrogance. I mean we're basically all the same person, so why are people so smug?
The worst part of this school, however, is something I signed myself up for. I made the unfortunate mistake of working for The Observer. In addition to being a completely irrelevant publication, they demand too much of me. I am required to write story upon story that no one will ever read. Once a week, I am forced to sit in an over-heated office laying out pages no one will read for a salary below the cost of a postage stamp. Sometimes I fantasize about submitting a story written entirely in wing-dings and wonder if anyone would even notice.
