A Personal Update

TexasBama said:

Be kind to yourself. Take some time for "detox", i.e. take some alone time. You're not feeling good about yourself right now, and taking up with someone right away will seem good.

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ValuJet said:

Will you marry ME? :biggrin2:

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MOAN said:

Selma, I have been married for over 32 years to the same bipolar, schizophrenic, Lilith of a woman, that has brought me every desperate, worthless, exasperated, maddening, suicidal, emotion and feeling a man could possibly feel! But I love her! Don't ask me why or how but I do! I do understand where you coming from!

Good luck and God help you!!! Roll Tide Brother!!!

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BamaPokerplayer said:

Way to go ValuJet. Now JESSN has to write numerous articles about you being the first Tidefans Administrator to come out of the closet and the effect it will have on NS.

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ValuJet said:

I'm just pushing the diversity envelope.

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selmaborntidefan said:

Touchdown!!! (And now to go for two....)

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selmaborntidefan said:

A

She wanted to attend a marriage counselor so we did. In the last session we had (which was November 7, 2013), she wasn't happy because, you see, the counselor (I intentionally chose a woman - more on that in a moment) dared (and had told her multiple times) she was.....(gasp!) WRONG!!!!! Wife accused me of being a phony and stormed out of the office, apparently thinking the role of the counselor was to be my parents and make me do what she wanted.
/QUOTE]

I think you married one of my exes - no, wait, timing's not quite right. But the exact same thing happened to me; I chose a woman because my ex had been "seemingly" abused by a Baptist preacher in her younger years (I'm to this day not sure anything physical happened as she never really said, it may just have been him hitting on her, uh, rather large headlights). Witch got mad at the counselor and me, because the counselor told her exactly what I had been trying to (but men are never right...except when they agree with women, right?). I feel your pain.....

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formersoldier71 said:

Pushing it in ?

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Displaced Bama Fan said:

So do you ever feel like you're cheating on your wife when her bipolar/schizo personality arises? Just curious.

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selmaborntidefan said:

As we are all part of the same dysfunctional Crimson family, I will do what others do and share some personal information here. Some of you may remember me saying it so there has been some sort of resolution and it appears my 23-year marriage is in its final stages and will soon be over. After evaluating the simple fact that the woman who pledged to love me "for better or worse" and "til death (or til I decide otherwise) do us part" has made it clear she holds me in utter contempt and disrespect and is by God NOT going to ever apologize for anything she's done (in 25 years, the woman has never told me she's sorry about anything, which pretty much speaks for itself) - I'm making the decision to close the book and get on with life. This is not easy for me by any means. I am an evangelical Christian who takes (and has taken) vows seriously. This should be so simple, but some people are so hard-headed and insist on learning lessons the hard way. Unfortunately, I am also going to have to resign and step out of ministry despite the fact I have violated no taboos (which hardly seems fair to my simple mind).

We separated in January 2013. Oh, let's call it what it actually was - "she walked out on me." No, she doesn't want to own that, but she has now done what she holds her father and stepfather in utter contempt for doing. Saying "we separated" implies I actually was involved in the decision. She wanted to attend a marriage counselor so we did. In the last session we had (which was November 7, 2013), she wasn't happy because, you see, the counselor (I intentionally chose a woman - more on that in a moment) dared (and had told her multiple times) she was.....(gasp!) WRONG!!!!! Wife accused me of being a phony and stormed out of the office, apparently thinking the role of the counselor was to be my parents and make me do what she wanted. For the last 20 months, I've lived alone. Not too bad. Other than the lack of intimacy, I almost prefer it. No nagging, no whining, no demanding x, y, z or telling me we need to go on a walk and talk about our feelings. Guys, I tried that - she didn't want to know what MY feelings were, she wanted to tell me what they should be and why they were wrong if that's not what they were.

When she said she wanted a marriage counselor, I intentionally chose a female. Why? Well, I figured knowing my dysfunctional spouse, she was waiting to say, 'he's another man who doesn't understand women.' But, of course, I cut that argument off at the knees. She still hates the counselor, though. Yeah, I'd hate it too if the counselor was telling me I was wrong about multiple things but I was too proud to admit it. Funny thing is, the female counselor pointed out to her repeatedly all of the actions I had taken leading up to the separation and ALL of them showed someone willing to be reasonable and flexible. I never took it personally when the counselor told me I was wrong - isn't that her job?

So for 20 months I lived alone. The only time the woman concerns herself with me is when she either wants me to do something with my son or wants money. Otherwise, no text, no phone, nothing. I got used to the living alone. And then at the end of last month I went to New England. One of the days there I met the girl who sat behind me at "60 Minutes," who is also going through a divorce after 22 years of marriage (please do not use her name here if you go look it up as divorce litigation is pending and I would not want to cause any trouble there). But we toured Boston along with eight other members of my family. With the memory gift and divorce/separation, we had a lot to discuss with each other and did that thing where you drop back behind the group and talk in a low voice. Nothing inappropriate but what was said was important. I realized there's a world out there and life is going by and I'm missing it. The bottom line is I was made to feel important for the first time in so long I cannot even remember.

And then "it" happened. The moment of truth.

We showed up in Boston on the train from Providence. My sister and new sister-in-law (married less than 24 hours to my brother at this point) were with us. I had brought their 3-year old who stayed the night with me and his car seat was in my rental car. (Keep that in mind, it's important). We got off the train and met my friend, relieved ourselves then they needed a meal. So it's now 130 and we're touring Boston. After an hour in the main square there by Beacon Hill, my sister and sister-in-law both suddenly announce that we "need to be on the 430 going back to Providence." My friend says, "You're not gonna have to go back with them are you?" I'm thinking, "Like hell I am." And then it hits me: since their kid's car seat is in my rental car, good-bye friend, we used you for a couple of hours here!!! To call me livid is an understatement. I'm hosed from what began as a simple two of us visit (and we did dazzle them at the dinner table - my Mom had seen one super memory in action but watching two had them twisting their eyes a bit) turned into somebody else honing in on my time. I left after seeing Fenway and the moment we got in the car and my son was out of earshot, I pounded the steering wheel and yelled at my mother, "If I had wanted someone to take over my day and disregard my thoughts, I could have brought my wife up here!!!"

And that's when I knew it was over for sure from my vantage point.



I realized eventually that my memory is both curse and blessing, and here it is misleading. Day after day I get up and know the joy and pain of this day of past years. It's unconscious - I just do it. I'm as there as I was years ago. But then I finally realized that just because I can look and feel that, say, April 8, 1995 was a fantastic day (and that was a totally awesome Saturday day and especially night).....it's 19 long years ago for her, it's seconds ago for me. It's like I'm there but she left "there" a long time ago. Or May 10, 1991 (Friday) or May 2, 1992 (Saturday) or September 16, 2006 (Saturday).....all phenomenally good days and nights that are "right there" for me but ancient history to everyone else.


Here is a sad tale: I finally decided FOR SURE to pursue divorce on August 13. I drove my Mom back home from the airport the night of the 12th and wanted to drive back to Dallas from Wichita Falls. I was tired and decided to stay. Just as I was plugging in the CPAP, it hit me like a foul ball into the seats: it was past midnight, it was August 13. Not a big deal to anyone else. But on August 13, 1989 (Sunday), my then girlfriend and I shared our very first kiss. How in 25 years did everything degenerate to this point? I don't cry much. In fact, I had not cried even once over her leaving (which might say something about the state of our relationship). But that was my worst and most painful release in well over 20 years, probably since a horrible one I had on a Thursday night in April 1988. It was gut-wrenching and awful. I grabbed my phone and texted my "60 minutes" friend. One of the positives out of this is that we all have begun to lean on each other on certain days that terrorize us. (The day before is an awful day in her life, so I called her cell and left two verses of "It Is Well With My Soul" that I sang onto the voicemail). We are no longer alone battling some of this stuff - and that's good. So I at least awakened to an encouraging note about the decision and the day.

I look over the wreckage of what's left. In my more empathetic moments, I can see how circumstances helped destroy us. In 1998, we endured our first pregnancy, a horrific miscarriage, the death of her grandmother who raised her (only days later), another frightening pregnancy, my grandmother's passing, her falling on the unborn child at eight months (which would be distressing anyway but double when you've lost the last one), the birth of a child with an immature immune system, the pregnancy of her 14-year old sister who nearly died of eclampsia......just bad news after bad news for a couple of years and no time to grieve even one. (We later endured four more miscarriages - we are genetically incompatible and our one child is more than a miracle but has Asperger's).


But then I look at the utter lack of respect. She cut me verbally three weeks into the marriage with a comment that probably put us on the road to today. I forgave it. But the years were littered with other deeply wounding comments (and I don't mean jokes or constructively thought out criticism). Those stuck with me. However, with some time to reflect I look a little bit closer - there were daily shards of disrespect that I never even noticed. And I know why - when your skull is fractured, you don't exactly notice the paper cut on your hand or the sore knee. You only notice the deepest wound. Since making the decision I have had multiple people point out areas of disrespect publicly that I just never noticed to be honest with you. My parents called and basically gave their "support" to me cutting loose.

But it's not fair - I'm stuck with the memories of the life that she can completely walk away from. Who wants to remember even something GOOD with someone who is out of your life now by choice? She can pretend we were never married, but I cannot. And while I realize Christian couples divorce (and why? because of disobeying that forgiveness thing), I still think it is wrong and there are no "biblical" grounds here, which is why I have to resign. (Well, technically she abandoned me but since she's not the one filing, I must resign).


However - having said all of that mountain of grief, I am finally living for the first time in awhile. I have lost 56 pounds and am pursuing a healthier lifestyle that just may include some other woman someday. I'm NOT down on marriage itself; I'm still an old fashioned traditionalist and I do believe that marriage at its best can be a wonderful and loving thing. And as my father noted, I can then at least advise couples on something at which I have experience (he always was the optimist.).


Anyway, thank you for hearing me out. I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow for some grief counseling (and she has seen the "60 Minutes" so this ought to be interesting). If my edge has seemed a bit rougher lately, I apologize. I do ask for graciousness (though not enough to actually break any rules) if I seem to not be myself but will try to not post if I do not feel decent.

Thank you for letting leave the burden here somewhat.

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bamanut_aj said:

May 9, 2014. The judge looked at me and said, "Your petition for divorce is granted, Mr Jordan. Good luck to you."

I can't recall ever feeling so free, so alive; despite fearing, in the months leading up to May 9, that I was going to be miserable and alone forever.

It gets better. Take some time to heal. don't rush into anything. Have fun. Catch up with old friends. Knock out that to-do list. Flirt with girls. Make Selma happy for a change.

I've gotten some things out of my system over the last few months, and I just now feel like i'm ready to be constructive emotionally and spiritually. Now the good work begins. Don't rush into anything. Life is about to get fun again. take advantage!

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Displaced Bama Fan said:

Seriously, if I get divorced, my brother and I may do a Far East tour from Vietnam, Thailand, Philippines, Japan, Korea and Hong Kong.

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