A Personal Update

selmaborntidefan

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Mar 31, 2000
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As we are all part of the same dysfunctional Crimson family, I will do what others do and share some personal information here. Some of you may remember me saying it so there has been some sort of resolution and it appears my 23-year marriage is in its final stages and will soon be over. After evaluating the simple fact that the woman who pledged to love me "for better or worse" and "til death (or til I decide otherwise) do us part" has made it clear she holds me in utter contempt and disrespect and is by God NOT going to ever apologize for anything she's done (in 25 years, the woman has never told me she's sorry about anything, which pretty much speaks for itself) - I'm making the decision to close the book and get on with life. This is not easy for me by any means. I am an evangelical Christian who takes (and has taken) vows seriously. This should be so simple, but some people are so hard-headed and insist on learning lessons the hard way. Unfortunately, I am also going to have to resign and step out of ministry despite the fact I have violated no taboos (which hardly seems fair to my simple mind).

We separated in January 2013. Oh, let's call it what it actually was - "she walked out on me." No, she doesn't want to own that, but she has now done what she holds her father and stepfather in utter contempt for doing. Saying "we separated" implies I actually was involved in the decision. She wanted to attend a marriage counselor so we did. In the last session we had (which was November 7, 2013), she wasn't happy because, you see, the counselor (I intentionally chose a woman - more on that in a moment) dared (and had told her multiple times) she was.....(gasp!) WRONG!!!!! Wife accused me of being a phony and stormed out of the office, apparently thinking the role of the counselor was to be my parents and make me do what she wanted. For the last 20 months, I've lived alone. Not too bad. Other than the lack of intimacy, I almost prefer it. No nagging, no whining, no demanding x, y, z or telling me we need to go on a walk and talk about our feelings. Guys, I tried that - she didn't want to know what MY feelings were, she wanted to tell me what they should be and why they were wrong if that's not what they were.

When she said she wanted a marriage counselor, I intentionally chose a female. Why? Well, I figured knowing my dysfunctional spouse, she was waiting to say, 'he's another man who doesn't understand women.' But, of course, I cut that argument off at the knees. She still hates the counselor, though. Yeah, I'd hate it too if the counselor was telling me I was wrong about multiple things but I was too proud to admit it. Funny thing is, the female counselor pointed out to her repeatedly all of the actions I had taken leading up to the separation and ALL of them showed someone willing to be reasonable and flexible. I never took it personally when the counselor told me I was wrong - isn't that her job?

So for 20 months I lived alone. The only time the woman concerns herself with me is when she either wants me to do something with my son or wants money. Otherwise, no text, no phone, nothing. I got used to the living alone. And then at the end of last month I went to New England. One of the days there I met the girl who sat behind me at "60 Minutes," who is also going through a divorce after 22 years of marriage (please do not use her name here if you go look it up as divorce litigation is pending and I would not want to cause any trouble there). But we toured Boston along with eight other members of my family. With the memory gift and divorce/separation, we had a lot to discuss with each other and did that thing where you drop back behind the group and talk in a low voice. Nothing inappropriate but what was said was important. I realized there's a world out there and life is going by and I'm missing it. The bottom line is I was made to feel important for the first time in so long I cannot even remember.

And then "it" happened. The moment of truth.

We showed up in Boston on the train from Providence. My sister and new sister-in-law (married less than 24 hours to my brother at this point) were with us. I had brought their 3-year old who stayed the night with me and his car seat was in my rental car. (Keep that in mind, it's important). We got off the train and met my friend, relieved ourselves then they needed a meal. So it's now 130 and we're touring Boston. After an hour in the main square there by Beacon Hill, my sister and sister-in-law both suddenly announce that we "need to be on the 430 going back to Providence." My friend says, "You're not gonna have to go back with them are you?" I'm thinking, "Like hell I am." And then it hits me: since their kid's car seat is in my rental car, good-bye friend, we used you for a couple of hours here!!! To call me livid is an understatement. I'm hosed from what began as a simple two of us visit (and we did dazzle them at the dinner table - my Mom had seen one super memory in action but watching two had them twisting their eyes a bit) turned into somebody else honing in on my time. I left after seeing Fenway and the moment we got in the car and my son was out of earshot, I pounded the steering wheel and yelled at my mother, "If I had wanted someone to take over my day and disregard my thoughts, I could have brought my wife up here!!!"

And that's when I knew it was over for sure from my vantage point.



I realized eventually that my memory is both curse and blessing, and here it is misleading. Day after day I get up and know the joy and pain of this day of past years. It's unconscious - I just do it. I'm as there as I was years ago. But then I finally realized that just because I can look and feel that, say, April 8, 1995 was a fantastic day (and that was a totally awesome Saturday day and especially night).....it's 19 long years ago for her, it's seconds ago for me. It's like I'm there but she left "there" a long time ago. Or May 10, 1991 (Friday) or May 2, 1992 (Saturday) or September 16, 2006 (Saturday).....all phenomenally good days and nights that are "right there" for me but ancient history to everyone else.


Here is a sad tale: I finally decided FOR SURE to pursue divorce on August 13. I drove my Mom back home from the airport the night of the 12th and wanted to drive back to Dallas from Wichita Falls. I was tired and decided to stay. Just as I was plugging in the CPAP, it hit me like a foul ball into the seats: it was past midnight, it was August 13. Not a big deal to anyone else. But on August 13, 1989 (Sunday), my then girlfriend and I shared our very first kiss. How in 25 years did everything degenerate to this point? I don't cry much. In fact, I had not cried even once over her leaving (which might say something about the state of our relationship). But that was my worst and most painful release in well over 20 years, probably since a horrible one I had on a Thursday night in April 1988. It was gut-wrenching and awful. I grabbed my phone and texted my "60 minutes" friend. One of the positives out of this is that we all have begun to lean on each other on certain days that terrorize us. (The day before is an awful day in her life, so I called her cell and left two verses of "It Is Well With My Soul" that I sang onto the voicemail). We are no longer alone battling some of this stuff - and that's good. So I at least awakened to an encouraging note about the decision and the day.

I look over the wreckage of what's left. In my more empathetic moments, I can see how circumstances helped destroy us. In 1998, we endured our first pregnancy, a horrific miscarriage, the death of her grandmother who raised her (only days later), another frightening pregnancy, my grandmother's passing, her falling on the unborn child at eight months (which would be distressing anyway but double when you've lost the last one), the birth of a child with an immature immune system, the pregnancy of her 14-year old sister who nearly died of eclampsia......just bad news after bad news for a couple of years and no time to grieve even one. (We later endured four more miscarriages - we are genetically incompatible and our one child is more than a miracle but has Asperger's).


But then I look at the utter lack of respect. She cut me verbally three weeks into the marriage with a comment that probably put us on the road to today. I forgave it. But the years were littered with other deeply wounding comments (and I don't mean jokes or constructively thought out criticism). Those stuck with me. However, with some time to reflect I look a little bit closer - there were daily shards of disrespect that I never even noticed. And I know why - when your skull is fractured, you don't exactly notice the paper cut on your hand or the sore knee. You only notice the deepest wound. Since making the decision I have had multiple people point out areas of disrespect publicly that I just never noticed to be honest with you. My parents called and basically gave their "support" to me cutting loose.

But it's not fair - I'm stuck with the memories of the life that she can completely walk away from. Who wants to remember even something GOOD with someone who is out of your life now by choice? She can pretend we were never married, but I cannot. And while I realize Christian couples divorce (and why? because of disobeying that forgiveness thing), I still think it is wrong and there are no "biblical" grounds here, which is why I have to resign. (Well, technically she abandoned me but since she's not the one filing, I must resign).


However - having said all of that mountain of grief, I am finally living for the first time in awhile. I have lost 56 pounds and am pursuing a healthier lifestyle that just may include some other woman someday. I'm NOT down on marriage itself; I'm still an old fashioned traditionalist and I do believe that marriage at its best can be a wonderful and loving thing. And as my father noted, I can then at least advise couples on something at which I have experience (he always was the optimist.).


Anyway, thank you for hearing me out. I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow for some grief counseling (and she has seen the "60 Minutes" so this ought to be interesting). If my edge has seemed a bit rougher lately, I apologize. I do ask for graciousness (though not enough to actually break any rules) if I seem to not be myself but will try to not post if I do not feel decent.

Thank you for letting leave the burden here somewhat.
 

alabama mike1

All-American
Jul 12, 2013
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Isaiah 41:10 a go to verse when I struggle. May the grace of God comfort you as you go through this difficult stage.
 

ValuJet

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Sep 28, 2000
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I went through that 27 years ago and, even though I knew it was the right thing, it was still very painful in a lot of ways.

You will recover and even though this will always be with you, you can put it behind you.

Good Luck Selma.
 

selmaborntidefan

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Mar 31, 2000
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Hope everything works out the best for you Selma. Time heals all wounds..
I appreciate the sentiments and wish to believe them but.....for some us, time doesn't heal anything at all. The painful things some of us HSAM folks are dealing with boggle the mind. I can't share them here but some are horrific. And they're as real 28 years and more later.

But maybe a tad...

(Thanks for your concern)
 

selmaborntidefan

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Here's the thing that gets me: at least if one of us had cheated or had pounded on the other....I mean, it would still be sad but at least there would be some sort of concrete answer. It's sort of like Karen Carpenter's brother said about her passing: if she had died of a drug overdose or in a plane crash - yes, he'd still be sad and miss her but at least he wouldn't have all these questions that will never be answered.

I don't know that in this case that it's any one thing. A friend told me I was too analytic about it - that even if I got the answer it doesn't change the outcome so why bother. She appears to be dealing with a long-term mid-life crisis, but as others have said:

a) she never grew up
b) you two grew apart
c) she got jealous of you (which was always true anyway)


I mean, you ever have to deal with somebody who no matter what is not happy?

One of my old traditions back before I worked every Saturday (2006-2013) was to get up on Saturday morning and make that big Southern breakfast for the two of us. Cook that whole thing of bacon, make them biscuits, make the grits (with cheese and salt, yum yum), a three-egg ham and cheese omelet and then I'd take it to her in bed and wake her up.

It dawned on me later that never one single time was that gal thankful for any of that. If I brought her OJ, she wanted Johnnie Cochran (er, I mean, milk). If I brought her milk with three ice cubes, she wanted four in it. Or a Diet Coke. I asked my "60 minutes" friend about when her soon-to-be-ex did that and she said, "Well, I have no idea what that's like because nobody ever did that for me."

And just other things.....but I guess I don't need to turn TF into my own sandbox of regrets. I'm not really worried about finding someone else.

What I'm worried about is my 15-year old.
 

TideMan09

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Jan 17, 2009
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Dang..I hate to hear all you've been through my friend, I too went through a divorce as well Selma & it was as difficult part of my life as well..It does get better..My Baby Girls were the reason my divorce went as smooth as it did..I gave my ex full custody of our role & she promised me I could see them at any time or any time they want to come spend the night with me..It avoided a custody battle & we actually get along better these days..I hope everything works out for y'all as well my Brother..
 

ValuJet

Moderator
Sep 28, 2000
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One of my old traditions back before I worked every Saturday (2006-2013) was to get up on Saturday morning and make that big Southern breakfast for the two of us. Cook that whole thing of bacon, make them biscuits, make the grits (with cheese and salt, yum yum), a three-egg ham and cheese omelet and then I'd take it to her in bed and wake her up.
Will you marry ME? :biggrin2:
 

mikes12

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Nov 10, 2005
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Prayers for you, man. I've never been married. Had my heart broken pretty bad and pretty much swore off the idea ever since (no matter how committed you are, there are truly no guarantees when it comes to someone else). I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if there was a divorce to trudge through, especially if a child is involved.

Sometimes I miss her, other times I think I dodged a bullet.
 

OreBama

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Sep 26, 2005
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Selma, I don't personally know you, but I do read many of your post and you seem like a stand-up guy.

I've been married for nearly 15 years and cannot imagine life without my wife. However, I have seen many divorces in my life and have observed that some people simply grow apart and some are never meant for each other. It does not make you a bad person or weak in any way for filing for divorce and it's often the best thing for all involved.

I'll be praying for you, brother. Hang in there.
 

Bama Reb

Suspended
Nov 2, 2005
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On the lake and in the woods, AL
I know that some people still want to believe that "love is forever", and that marriages are supposed to last "until death do us part". The sad truth is though that sometimes couples can grow apart. That's especially true in these days when the husband and wife both spend more time apart in pursuit of their own careers than focusing on each other and their family.

I'm sorry to hear this sad news about your own marriage. The only suggestion I can make is to not be angry about it, but instead let it go peacefully. Then get up, move on with your life, and let her do the same.
 

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