Stubbornness is a tough fault to overcome.

Bamabuzzard · Jun 4, 2016

I'll disclose this up front so to not get lost in the story. My wife is right, it's no big deal and I should simply let it go. But for some reason I'm having a hard time doing so.

Background:
One of my siblings (which I love to death) is a perfectionist/control freak and an admitted, proud, self proclaimed "helicopter" parent. When they come into town the cousins are dying to see each other. My sibling, her husband and their kids stay at my parents' house which is less than five miles from ours. The problem is my sibling will not let her kids ride with us or come over to our house to let her kids play with ours without her being there. However, she wants us to allow our kids to ride with her and her kids (without us being in the car) and to come over and "stay" the afternoon or spend the night at my parents without us being there. I have a problem with this. She wants us to trust her with our kids but she doesn't trust us with hers. Yes, it's piddly, petty and I should get over it. But I can't help but take it as a passive aggressive personal insult to my wife and I regarding our parenting skills. I've confronted her before about it and she's denied that she thinks anything less than stellar of our parenting skills but she simply isn't comfortable letting her kids ride with someone else or be over at someone's house without her or her husband being present. However, she does let the grandparents keep them and take them places without their presence.

So I told her that I simply cannot accept that explanation and if she cannot extend the trust to us to watch over her kids that we have extended to her with ours. Then I can no longer allow our kids to ride with them or stay over without us being there. I just can't in good conscious let someone with their actions basically express to us "We don't trust you with our kids but we want you to trust us with yours" and not say or do something about it.

It's stubborn and filled with pride I know. Hopefully I'll grow out of it at some point. But right now I'm not.

Bazza · Jun 4, 2016

I'm no expert to be giving out advice, Buzz...but sounds more like if anything this is an issue between your wife and your sister.

If your wife says it's no big deal then maybe you should just let it go.

That said......without going into details...you aren't the only one who has trouble with a sibling's "attitude".

Sometimes it's easier to just ignore stuff and put it behind you.

Just my 2 cents and probably not worth as much.....

Jon · Jun 4, 2016

Bamabuzzard said:
I'll disclose this up front so to not get lost in the story. My wife is right, it's no big deal and I should simply let it go. But for some reason I'm having a hard time doing so.

Background:
One of my siblings (which I love to death) is a perfectionist/control freak and an admitted, proud, self proclaimed "helicopter" parent. When they come into town the cousins are dying to see each other. My sibling, her husband and their kids stay at my parents' house which is less than five miles from ours. The problem is my sibling will not let her kids ride with us or come over to our house to let her kids play with ours without her being there. However, she wants us to allow our kids to ride with her and her kids (without us being in the car) and to come over and "stay" the afternoon or spend the night at my parents without us being there. I have a problem with this. She wants us to trust her with our kids but she doesn't trust us with hers. Yes, it's piddly, petty and I should get over it. But I can't help but take it as a passive aggressive personal insult to my wife and I regarding our parenting skills. I've confronted her before about it and she's denied that she thinks anything less than stellar of our parenting skills but she simply isn't comfortable letting her kids ride with someone else or be over at someone's house without her or her husband being present. However, she does let the grandparents keep them and take them places without their presence.

So I told her that I simply cannot accept that explanation and if she cannot extend the trust to us to watch over her kids that we have extended to her with ours. Then I can no longer allow our kids to ride with them or stay over without us being there. I just can't in good conscious let someone with their actions basically express to us "We don't trust you with our kids but we want you to trust us with yours" and not say or do something about it.

It's stubborn and filled with pride I know. Hopefully I'll grow out of it at some point. But right now I'm not.

I hear ya, I have a brother in law like that. I think he feels that we would corrupt his perfect angel of a daughter with our heathen ways. He's a big Catholic and well you know what we are and so does he. It's sad my wife had room to bring her to disney a while back with a whole bunch of other family, 10 cousins in total and offered but nope "she didn't want to go without her mom or dad" right.... Ultimately its her that I feel for she missed an awesome trip

so when this happens with us, I let my kids go there because ultimately its not about me, or the idiot brother in law, it's about the kids. So I suck it up and let em go.

Bama Reb · Jun 4, 2016

Buzz, you and I think alike. I'm not going to offer you any advice. When it comes to telling other people how to deal with family matters, I don't go there. Good luck figuring it out.

Bodhisattva · Jun 4, 2016

Jon said:
I hear ya, I have a brother in law like that. I think he feels that we would corrupt his perfect angel of a daughter with our heathen ways. He's a big Catholic and well you know what we are and so does he. It's sad my wife had room to bring her to disney a while back with a whole bunch of other family, 10 cousins in total and offered but nope "she didn't want to go without her mom or dad" right.... Ultimately its her that I feel for she missed an awesome trip

so when this happens with us, I let my kids go there because ultimately its not about me, or the idiot brother in law, it's about the kids. So I suck it up and let em go.

Buzz, I think Jon has great advice here. The kids are ultimately getting punished. Concede the jerk title to your sister; don't try to keep pace with her.

Besides, your sister is right to be cautious. She knows you and your wife aren't watching the kids. You two are sneaking away trying to make more kids.

G-VilleTider · Jun 4, 2016

Buzz, I gotta go against the flow here. It would bother me. A lot more than I would like for it to. Definitely a tough call for you. Personally I would want to not punish the kids at all, but would also want them to understand "what's good for the goose is good for the gander". I have no idea how I would possibly balance those scales. Good luck, and you are absolutely not alone in getting angry about this type of situation.

TideWatcher · Jun 4, 2016

Good news is she probably does watch your kids real close, and you don't have to watch hers

Bad news is she will always be afraid of providence if she doesn't loosen up a bit. She isn't concerned about you being irresponsible as much as elevating her control beyond what it should be.

Tide1986 · Jun 4, 2016

Dr. Ablow would say she's nuts. Personally, I'd have second thoughts about allowing my kids to be alone with such a kook.

CaliforniaTide · Jun 4, 2016

I would agree with you that your sister is nuts, and I would even agree with you on the standing your ground as well. However, if it appears that she's not reconsidering, then ultimately, it is about the cousins.

I remember when my cousins, siblings, and myself were a lot closer. Now, we're not and I lay that on my parents having this attitude that the other siblings didn't raise their kids the same way as they raised my siblings and I. In fact, it's been kind of awkward, and I'm in my early thirties. You never know, maybe by conceding in the short term to your sister's demands may end up helping her concede her position in the long term.

Relayer · Jun 4, 2016

Ok, since you put it out there for consideration...

The cousins are dying to see each other.

It's piddly, petty, get over it. Life is too short.

crimsonaudio · Jun 4, 2016

Jon said:
I hear ya, I have a brother in law like that. I think he feels that we would corrupt his perfect angel of a daughter with our heathen ways.

You mean you don't have atheist lessons throughout the day when other people's kids are over? I find that hard to believe...

Bamabuzzard · Jun 5, 2016

Relayer said:
Ok, since you put it out there for consideration...

The cousins are dying to see each other.

It's piddly, petty, get over it. Life is too short.

LOL! Oh trust me. They see each other plenty when they are here. I don't let it keep them from seeing each other. It just causes inconveniences that shouldn't be due to an overprotective parent and my stubbornness. As with most personal flaws I have. Time and experience tend to grow them out of me.

NationalTitles18 · Jun 5, 2016

I don't see it as an either/or neither/nor situation. The kids can play. The sister can be confronted. You need not suffer silently. The family need not be ripped asunder. You may not can have your cake and eat it too but I see no reason why any of these things need be mutually exclusive.

OreBama · Jun 5, 2016

I think that you're right to be frustrated in your sibling's lack of trust. It is very disrespectful to you and your wife. I know that it may be easier to give in, but I wouldn't. It sounds like it's a power issue on her side or maybe a type of neuroses. It's not your issue, it is hers.

Personally, I think it would be a bad example to show your kids that you can be pushed around. You don't have to make a scene or anything, but stand firm as you know that you are in the right. Hopefully, she'll come around or, at least, give you a better reason for doing what she's doing. It may take some time, but it will work out for the best in the end.

mittman · Jun 6, 2016

Unfortunately my wife has some of the same tendencies as your sister. Maybe not as acute, but enough to cause a lot of inconvenience. Seeing it from the other side I may be able to give you some comfort.

She was never fully comfortable while our daughters were growing up. While I probably was a little too much the other way. Thing is now that they are grown (one is late 20's the other mid 20's) she is getting a little taste of her own medicine. My oldest daughter got some of the same tendencies and practically does not let her children out of their sight, and her husband is the same way. Now my wife is having to deal with the impression that her son in law (she never blames it on our daughter even though it is a little of both) does not trust her. If your situation is anything like ours it will come back to bite her, and it will hit her harder than if she was not that way.

Displaced Bama Fan · Jun 6, 2016

I guess I'm fortunate. Neither my brother or sis-in-law are like that. My wife was for a while, in the sense that she wanted to know where the boys were at every minute of the day. Finally, I had to sit her down and say "Babe, they're boys. Let them go ride their bikes, shoot basketball at the school, go into the ditches with their bb guns and shoot snakes/minnows. It's ok. My buddies and i did and we're all ok. One is a Professor at AU, I'm a Controller, one is an engineer, one is a lawyer, one is a financial analyst for Alabama Power, one is fireman, two are teachers/coaches, one runs his own staffing company, one is a professor at Sam Houston..." We all survived some how.

She chilled out after that.

Bamaro · Jun 6, 2016

I refuse to overcome my stubbornness.

92tide · Jun 6, 2016

Displaced Bama Fan said:
I guess I'm fortunate. Neither my brother or sis-in-law are like that. My wife was for a while, in the sense that she wanted to know where the boys were at every minute of the day. Finally, I had to sit her down and say "Babe, they're boys. Let them go ride their bikes, shoot basketball at the school, go into the ditches with their bb guns and shoot snakes/minnows. It's ok. My buddies and i did and we're all ok. One is a Professor at AU, I'm a Controller, one is an engineer, one is a lawyer, one is a financial analyst for Alabama Power, one is fireman, two are teachers/coaches, one runs his own staffing company, one is a professor at Sam Houston..." We all survived some how.

She chilled out after that.

well, i guess one train wreck out of all of those isn't too bad of a record.

crimsonaudio · Jun 6, 2016

Bamaro said:
I refuse to overcome my stubbornness.

Stubbornness is a tough fault to overcome.

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