Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked the flight attendant for whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy promptly handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 

ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A husband yells to his wife from the laundry room, "Honey, I need to wash a shirt. What setting do I use?"

Wife says "What color is it and what does it say?"

Husband says "It's orange and it says 'Go Vols."

Wife says "Hot water and a gallon of bleach."
 

ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked the flight attendant for whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy promptly handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
:D

Good one Bazza!
 

Ledsteplin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

Texas

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS, IS WHY CALIFORNIA IS BROKE AND TEXAS IS NOT!
 

crimsonaudio

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
 

ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

^^ I'm surprised a man of the cloth carries around that kind of loot.
 

crimsonaudio

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Re: Official Joke Thread

An elderly man on a Moped, Looking about 100 years old, Pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within a few seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot In his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his Mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows Into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.
 
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rolltide_21

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Dec 9, 2007
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Re: Official Joke Thread

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

ValuJet

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Sep 28, 2000
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A very cranky older woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband Bob raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
 
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