Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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Displaced Bama Fan

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Jun 5, 2000
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Re: Official Joke Thread



A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
I'm not sure that qualifies as a joke, just a good life long philosophy. Especially family time and beer with friends.
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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Re: Official Joke Thread

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yells, "I have a Colt .45 Auto with seven rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!

A voice from the back of the room calls out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
 

bmw

BamaNation Citizen
Dec 6, 2015
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Beast Lansing
Re: Official Joke Thread

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
 

RollTideMang

All-American
Oct 16, 2009
3,140
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0
St. Louis, MO
Re: Official Joke Thread

Three men die and go to heaven. When they reach St. Peter, he tells them that since it's Christmas time, the men must provide an object that shows that they have Christmas spirit.

The first man reaches into his pockets and pull out a lighter and lights it. He says "it's a candle!". St. Peter says "you may pass".

The second man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a set of keys and jingles them. "It's a bell!" the man said. "You may pass".

The last man desperately digs through his pockets for a few seconds and finally pulls out a pair of panties. St. Peter raises an eyebrow and asks how these show he has Christmas spirit. The man replies "these are Carol's".
 

ccc2259

All-American
Oct 29, 2010
2,571
70
72
Lower Alabama
Re: Official Joke Thread

A man driving thru some farmland sees a sign in front of a farm. The sign reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, the man turns into the farm, and sees the farmer next to his barn. “Excuse me Sir,” says the man to the farmer, “Do you really have a talking dog for sale?”
“I do,” replies the farmer. “He’s ‘round back of the barn if you’re interested.”
The man’s curiosity is peaked so he walks around the barn and there lies an old scruffy looking dog scratching his ear. “Are you the talking dog?” asks the man.
“Sure am” the dog replies, hopping up and wagging his tail.
“This is amazing” says the man. “What on earth are you doing lying around this old farm?”
The dog answers, “Well, I’ve lived a full life. At one time I was a CIA spy and could easily eavesdrop on terrorists as they plotted their evil. I won more medals than I could count. Eventually, I got bored with that and started working for the TSA in airports. As I walked around sniffing luggage, I sometimes uncovered yet more terrorist’s plots, and won even more medals. Pretty soon, I became bored with that and decided to retire here, take it easy, and have a few litters of pups.”
The man was beside himself with excitement, and ran back around the barn to the farmer. “How much do you want for that amazing dog?” he asked the farmer.
“Ten bucks and he’s yours” replied the farmer.
“Ten bucks! For a dog like that?” the man asked in disbelief.
The farmer answered, “Aw, that dog’s the biggest liar you’ve ever seen. He didn’t do all that crap!”
 

ValuJet

Moderator
Sep 28, 2000
22,626
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Re: Official Joke Thread

One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine, thanks," he replied.
"You look frazzled, the woman said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."
"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.


She was very persuasive....and he was weak.
"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.
Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."
"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart," he replied.
 

bamachile

Hall of Fame
Jul 27, 2007
7,992
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Oakdale, Louisiana
Re: Official Joke Thread

A couple were Christmas shopping. The mall was packed and the wife eventually lost her husband in the crowd. She became antsy, then worried, then finally upset. Finally, she called him on his cell phone and asked him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelry store where we went about five years ago and you fell in love with the diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you I would get it for you one day?"

Choking back tears, she cried, "Yes! Of course I remember!"

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
 

danb

All-SEC
Dec 4, 2011
1,088
6
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Hazel Green, AL
Re: Official Joke Thread

A Chinese man calls in sick one morning and has a discussion with his boss....

Ho Chow calls in and says to his boss, "Hey, I really sick, I no come to work today.....got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt....I no come to work"

The boss says.."you know Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho calls and tells his boss "I do what you say....I feel great! I will be to work soon...... You have nice house!!"
 
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