Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

Status
Not open for further replies.

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,590
21,229
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."

I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like ..... cats?

"With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
 

ValuJet

Moderator
Sep 28, 2000
22,626
19
0
Re: Official Joke Thread

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."

I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like ..... cats?

"With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Ha Ha Ha Had to read that one twice. Good one!
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,590
21,229
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

Thanks....here's another for you VJ......


A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
“How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you question further…...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So Ahmed
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said GOATS!"
 

CajunCrimson

Moderator (FB,BB) and Vinyl Enthusiast
Staff member
Mar 13, 2001
26,542
20,516
337
Breaux Bridge, La
Re: Official Joke Thread

Thanks....here's another for you VJ......


A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
“How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you question further…...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So Ahmed
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said GOATS!"
 

G-VilleTider

Suspended
Aug 17, 2006
2,062
52
72
Re: Official Joke Thread

Thanks....here's another for you VJ......


A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
“How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you question further…...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So Ahmed
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said GOATS!"
AUDub, I didn't know you were middle eastern ...
 

Gr8hope

All-American
Nov 10, 2010
3,408
1
60
Re: Official Joke Thread

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
 

rolltide_21

Hall of Fame
Dec 9, 2007
11,463
7,517
187
NW AL
Re: Official Joke Thread

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained …

"Well, doc, it's like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

"She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."


The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

ValuJet

Moderator
Sep 28, 2000
22,626
19
0
Re: Official Joke Thread

Not a joke, but here goes:

Consider These 3 Thoughts

(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2) Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore."

(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,590
21,229
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and returns after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak: I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" and hands him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back. That will be $500."

Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people angry. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,590
21,229
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

A hunter is walking in the woods searching for the biggest bear he could find, when he stumbles across a giant brown bear. He pulls out his shotgun, steadily aims, and fires at the bear. The bear seemingly falls into a nearby ditch and appears to be dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, until he feels a tap on his shoulder. The man turns around, and just as he does, the bear asks: "Did you shoot me with that shotgun?" The man replies "Yes", and the bear throws down the man and starts raping him.


In a few weeks, the hunter devises a plan for revenge on the bear. He brings his Double-barrel shotgun and is really ready to get even. He walks through the woods and sees the bear, so he steadies his aim, shoots the bear, and the bear falls into the ditch, seemingly dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, and just as he does, he feels a tap on his shoulder. When the man turns around he sees none other than the very same bear standing above him. The bear asks the man, "Did you just shoot me with that double-barrel shotgun? To this the man replies "Yes", and the bear rapes him.

After a month has passed, the man has recovered and is very eager for revenge.He brings an Elephant gun this time, and is sure he will have enough firepower to take down the bear for good. Just as before, the man is walking through the woods when he sees the very same brown bear. He steadies his aim and fires. The bear falls into the ditch, and the man slowly walks over to him. After searching awhile, the man is tapped on the shoulder once again. He turns around slowly to face the brown bear. The bear then asks him, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,590
21,229
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

New Posts

Latest threads

TideFans.shop : 2024 Madness!

TideFans.shop - Get YOUR Bama Gear HERE!”></a>
<br />

<!--/ END TideFans.shop & item link \-->
<p style= Purchases made through our TideFans.shop and Amazon.com links may result in a commission being paid to TideFans.