Official Joke Thread - Page 3
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  1. #27
    BamaNation First Team hollisx4's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    An old Chinese man named Chan called into his employer telling him he was sick and couldn't come to work today.

    The boss said "Chan, we are really busy and need you today, why don't you do what I do when I'm sick", Chan said what is that boss and the boss said "when I'm sick I make mad passionate love to my wife and then I feel much better".

    Chan said he would think about it and hung up.

    A couple of hours later the boss' phone rang and it was Chan who said, "hey boss, I do what you say and now I feel much better so I will come in to work...by the way you got really nice house".

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  3. #28
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
    Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
    "I was stung by a bee," she answered."Where?," he asked.
    "Between the first and second holes," she replied.
    He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
    The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office. Dwight D. Eisenhower

  4. #29
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

    He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
    To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
    And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

    He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

    So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

    He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
    The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

    Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
    The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

    The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

    Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...



  5. #30
    BamaNation Hall of Fame BamaJeff's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Auburn didn't buy Cam Newton.
    ROLL TIDE ROLL

  6. #31
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him... He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

    'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie....’ 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

  7. #32
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    If this one crosses the line, please delete....
    Man comes into kitchen one morning and wife is busy making breakfast, humming and floating around the kitchen with a smile on her face.
    "Why are you in such a good mood this morning?", he asks.
    She says, "Oh, I had a dream last night to end all dreams. It was unbelievable!"
    "Oh, really? What did you dream about?", he inquires.
    "Well,", she says, "I dreamed I went to a johnson auction" ."
    "A what?", he exclaimed.
    "A johnson auction. There were johnsons there of all shapes and sizes. There was one really nice one, they got $25,000 for it."
    "Oh.", he said. "Were there any there like mine?"
    She says, "As a matter of fact, there were; they had two barrels full of 'em, and were selling them for a nickel a piece."
    Next morning, wife comes down for breakfast, and hubby has everything already cooked and is whistling a happy tune.
    "Wow.", she says. "You sure are chipper this morning; what gives?"
    "Well, you won't believe this, but last night I had the most incredible dream; I dreamed I wen to a hoo-ha auction. It was fantastic!"
    "A what?" she cried.
    "You heard me; a hoo-ha auction. They had some of the most gorgeous hoo-ha's I've ever seen. They had this perfect pink one that they got $37,000 for."
    "Really?", she asks. "Did they have any like mine?"
    He said, "Actally they did; they had two. They were icing beer down in one and throwing the empty cans in the other."

    Last edited by twofbyc; January 30th, 2012 at 11:16 AM.
    The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office. Dwight D. Eisenhower

  8. #33
    BamaNation Hall of Fame RVTIDER's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    I think I know that man' wife.
    God is great, beer is good and people are crazy.

  9. #34
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by RVTIDER View Post
    I think I know that man' wife.
    Don't beat around the bush...

    Tell us

  10. #35
    BamaNation Hall of Fame RVTIDER's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasputin View Post
    Don't beat around the bush...

    Tell us
    Meh, I dont kiss and tell. Got something to do with getting older and it being easier to throw a rope in a well versus pushing it up a hill.
    God is great, beer is good and people are crazy.

  11. #36
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by RVTIDER View Post
    Meh, I dont kiss and tell. Got something to do with getting older and it being easier to throw a rope in a well versus pushing it up a hill.
    Or in a beer trough or a garbage can...

  12. #37
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    This is probably old to some, but it's a barn joke so it bears repeating...
    Two Barn students were walking in the woods after a heavy snowfall, when one says to the other. "Man, I gotta go take a dump! Snow is everywhere, there ain't no leaves, what am I gonna do?"
    Other one says, "Dude, calm down. Just use a dollar."
    So first barner runs into the woods, and comes out a few minutes later cussing his head off.
    "What's the matter?", says second barner, "Get your drawers wet?"
    First one says, "Hell no - you and your stupid ideas! Now, not only do I have crap all over my hands, but I have four quarters stuck up my rear end!"
    The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office. Dwight D. Eisenhower

  13. #38
    BamaNation Hall of Fame bamanut_aj's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man walks in to the psychiatrist's office, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear.

    The psychiatrist says "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
    Last edited by bamanut_aj; January 30th, 2012 at 04:10 PM.

  14. #39
    BamaNation Hall of Fame bamanut_aj's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A pirate walks in to the doctors office with a steering wheel in his pants.

    Doctor says "sir, you have a steering wheel in your pants"

    Pirate says "arrrrrr.... and it's drivin' me nuts"

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