Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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danb

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Dec 4, 2011
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Hazel Green, AL
Re: Official Joke Thread

Two good friends, Joe and Bob, both move away and didn’t see one another for several years.

One day, they happen to cross paths again.

“Hey Bob! How have things been going?”

“I’ve been doing fantastic Joe, but I’ll have to tell you, my name isn’t Bob anymore. I changed my name to Lucky!”

“Why did you do that?” Joe asked..

“Did you hear about that plane crash a few years ago that killed everyone on board except one person? I was the lone survivor, so after that, I decided to change my name to Lucky!”

“Man, That is pretty doggone lucky. I don’t blame you!”

They both chatted for a few minutes, then went on their separate ways....

A couple years later, they crossed paths again.

“Hey Lucky! How have things been going?”

“Pretty good Joe, except my name isn’t just Lucky anymore. I changed my name again to Lucky Lucky!”

“Why did you do that man?”

“Well about a year and a half ago, my girl and I were upstairs in the bedroom making love, and her brother was downstairs in the room right below the bedroom cleaning a rifle. Somehow it went off and shot through the ceiling/floor, through the mattress, and blew off one of my testicles. After that happened, I changed my name to Lucky Lucky!”

“Dang man! That doesn’t sound too doggone lucky to me.”

“The heck it wasn’t...if it would have happened 30 seconds sooner, he would have shot me right between the eyes!”


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danb

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Dec 4, 2011
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Hazel Green, AL
Re: Official Joke Thread

I apologize for the corny jokes in advance, but here goes...[emoji4]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.




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danb

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Dec 4, 2011
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Hazel Green, AL
Re: Official Joke Thread

I hope I ain’t crossing the line with the language with this one, but I’ve always LOL’d at this joke. I’ll abbreviate the best I can.

A Priest, Monsignor, and a Bishop went out on a fishing charter with an old salty fisherman. During the trip, the Monsignor caught a nice fish. The old fisherman without thinking said...”Man!....that’s a nice SOB!

The Monsignor says...”I am a man of the cloth, how dare you use that language in front of me”

The old fisherman, thinking quickly, says.. “No....you don’t understand father, that’s the name of the fish....the SOB fish!”

The Monsignor says..”oh...ok...man it is a nice fish!...we will eat good tonight!!”

They all got back to shore and cleaned the huge fish, and cooked it for supper.

After they all got done eating, the priest pushed back from the table and said...”Good Lord that was a good SOB!”

The Monsignor exclaimed “that was the best SOB I have ever eaten in my lifetime!”

The Bishop scooted back from the table and says...”I am stuffed men....but one thing that I know is....we will surly have to go catch many more of those tasty SOB’s”

A new deacon that was sitting at the table hearing all this slides back from the table and joyfully exclaims...........

“Man I thought you were all uptight, but you MFr’s are alright!!!!


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