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  1. #66
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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  3. #67
    BamaNation Hall of Fame seebell's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread



    Bet you are the life of a party!

    Actually, I enjoyed the jokes.
    Last edited by seebell; June 11th, 2012 at 06:37 AM. Reason: add last line

  4. #68

    Re: Official Joke Thread

    sigh.
    The last dozen post were puten telling jokes to himself.
    That was a hell of a lot funnier than the jokes.

  5. #69
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Catfish's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A white man walks into a bathroom and stands in front of the urinal next to a Jamaican man. As the white man is emptying his bladder, the Jamaican glances over and notices the man's johnson has "Lori" tatooed on it.

    The Jamaican asks, "What does that mean, mon?" The white man embaressingly replys, "One night when I was drunk, my girlfriend talked me into getting her name tattoed there." The Jamaican excitedly shows his own johnson, which has "Wendy!" on it. The white man says, "Cool. So your girlfriend's name is Wendy?"

    The Jamaican looks confused then throws back his head in laughter. He tells the white guy, "No mon, when I gets excited it says "Welcome To Jamaica, mon. Have a Nice Day!"
    "...Defense shut 'em down! Offense make plays! Hey, let's go be champions, boys!"- Greg McElroy

  6. #70
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by buzzincuzzin View Post
    sigh.
    The last dozen post were puten telling jokes to himself.
    That was a hell of a lot funnier than the jokes.
    Laughing with me or laughing at me...both result in desired behavior

  7. #71
    BamaNation All-SEC TidefaninOS's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Well, I might as well try one. A man buys his wife a little dog. And she just loves the little dog to death, always grooming him, petting him, and playing with him. The only problem she has is she can't teach him to come to her when she calls. So she takes the dog to the vet, and says "Doc, I think my dog's deaf - he won't come when I call." So the vet puts him up on the table, checks the dog's ears, then clips a ball of hair out of each ear. He says " this is the problem - he just gets an overgrowth of hair in each ear. You need to go down to the drugstore and get some hair remover, and rub some in each ear about once a week, and he'll be fine."

    So, she goes down to the drugstore, and asks the pharmacist "do you have any Nair hair remover?" He says "of course", and puts the bottle on the counter. Then he says "Now if you put this under your arms, I suggest you don't use deodorant for 3 days". She says "I'm not gonna put it under my arms". Then he says, "Well, then, if you put this on your legs, I recommend that you don't wear panty hose for 3 days." She says "I'm not gonna put it on my legs." He says "well, where in the world are you gonna put it!? She says "on my schnauzer!' He says, "well, then don't ride your bicycle for 3 days!"
    "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan K. Simpson

  8. #72
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
    two men along the road-side eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
    "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
    " the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
    under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
    and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
    as the limousine was.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
    "Sir, you are too kind."

    "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
    You'll really love my place.
    The grass is almost a foot high."

  9. #73
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A drunk guy goes to the dog track , he's never been before and doesn't know anything about it.

    He notices one patron that keeps cashing tickets after every race.

    The drunk guy approaches the guy cashing tickets and asks for a tip on who to bet.

    They guy asks the drunk how many coins he has in his pocket ... drunk guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out 5 coins , guy tells him to bet the 5 dog.

    The 5 dog wins the race at 12-1.

    The drunk guy goes back and asks for advice again , the guy asks how many buttons are on his shirt , he counts and has 7 buttons , the guy suggested he bet the 7 dog.

    7 dog wins the race and pays 40 bucks to win.

    The drunk guy knows he can't keep bothering this guy all night so he goes back and asks for advice 1 more time and he's going all-in.

    The guy asks how long his pecker is , drunk guy says 8 inches , the other guy suggested he play the 8 dog.

    The 3 dog wins the race , the drunk guy said "DAMN , I KNEW NOT TO LIE TO THAT SOB".

  10. #74
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    THE JOURNEY OF MAN



    When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

  11. #75
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    The Highway of Heaven'

    3 guys die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the pearly gates and tells them they've all been accepted , but they must first answer a question to determine what type of vehicle or means of transportation they will have to travel down the highway of heaven in.

    The question was : were you always loyal and faithfull to your spouse or did you ever have any affairs ?

    Guy #1 stood up and said he fell in love with his wife the day he met her , and never even looked at another woman. ... St Peter thanked him and gave him a Rolls Royce.

    Guy #2 stood up and said he did have 1 indescretion once with a secretary but he confessed to his wife and repented and she forgave him and it never happened again .... St peter thanked him and gave him a Ford.

    Guy #3 stood up and said he just could'nt help himself , he was a playa and he loved all women and he could never be faithfull to just 1. ..... St Peter thanked him and gave him a 10 speed bicycle.

    A few days later the guy on the 10 speed is peddling down the road when he comes accross the guy in the Rolls Royce pulled off the side of the road crying. He was just balling and sobbing and carrying on.

    The guy on the 10 speed asked what could be so wrong for you to be crying like this , you made it to heaven and have a Rolls Royce.

    The guy in the Rolls Royce said he just passed his wife and she was on roller skates.

  12. #76
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

    He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
    "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my 'wiggly' inside.

    Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

    Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my 'wiggly' unscathed.
    In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
    dropped his trousers, and placed his 'wiggly' and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
    The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head.

    The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his 'credentials' unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.


    The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

    A blonde woman timidly Spoke up ... "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

  13. #77
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    ********** Top 15 Country Songs for 2012 *********
    >
    >
    >
    15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
    14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
    13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
    12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
    11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
    10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
    9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
    8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
    7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
    6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
    5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
    4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
    3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
    2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
    - - - And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2012 Is:
    1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up*With*A*Few

  14. #78
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
    his elbow goes into her breast.
    They are both quite startled.

    The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
    I know you'll forgive me."
    She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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