Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)
- Thread starter Rasputin
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Re: Official Joke Thread
Not sure if this thread is still okay to use -- but....I heard a new joke that made me laugh.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
With little Knot-sies!
Not sure if this thread is still okay to use -- but....I heard a new joke that made me laugh.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
With little Knot-sies!
Re: Official Joke Thread
Subject: Just wondering
You've probably been lying awake at night wondering just why baby diapers have brand names
such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers”, while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well, here is the low down on the whole thing ---
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em and Pamper 'em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will .....!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can put your mind at rest and enjoy the New Year ! ! !
You've probably been lying awake at night wondering just why baby diapers have brand names
such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers”, while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well, here is the low down on the whole thing ---
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em and Pamper 'em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will .....!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can put your mind at rest and enjoy the New Year ! ! !
Re: Official Joke Thread
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ..... on your lap."
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ..... on your lap."
Re: Official Joke Thread
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm takin’ Earlene with me.”
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm takin’ Earlene with me.”
Re: Official Joke Thread
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m going to stay right here!” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the dumb blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says “You say she is blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy Section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her First Class wasn’t going to Houston.”
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m going to stay right here!” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the dumb blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says “You say she is blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy Section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her First Class wasn’t going to Houston.”
Re: Official Joke Thread
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Re: Official Joke Thread
The Pope dies and goes to heaven and meets Peter at the gates.
Peter tells him "We're so glad to have you here. We have an apartment for you about three blocks from God's palace. It's very nice, and you will enjoy enternity here. Just walk over to the trolley stop there and wait for the trolley and it will take you there."
The Pope walks over to the stop and hears Peter speaking to the next person to show up.
Peter tells the new arrival "Oh, we are so pleased to have you here! We have a suite for you in God's palace, where you'll be able to spend eternity in the presence of God. The limousine there will take you there."
The new arrival goes off in the limo, and Pope walks back over to Peter.
The Pope says to Peter "What's going on? I'm the Pope, and you have me in an apartment, and that guy gets to live in God's palace."
Peter tells the Pope "Oh, we've got lots of Popes, but he's the first Lawyer we've ever had."
The Pope dies and goes to heaven and meets Peter at the gates.
Peter tells him "We're so glad to have you here. We have an apartment for you about three blocks from God's palace. It's very nice, and you will enjoy enternity here. Just walk over to the trolley stop there and wait for the trolley and it will take you there."
The Pope walks over to the stop and hears Peter speaking to the next person to show up.
Peter tells the new arrival "Oh, we are so pleased to have you here! We have a suite for you in God's palace, where you'll be able to spend eternity in the presence of God. The limousine there will take you there."
The new arrival goes off in the limo, and Pope walks back over to Peter.
The Pope says to Peter "What's going on? I'm the Pope, and you have me in an apartment, and that guy gets to live in God's palace."
Peter tells the Pope "Oh, we've got lots of Popes, but he's the first Lawyer we've ever had."
Re: Official Joke Thread
A group of guys on a trip decide to all go to the local brothel in search of a little fun. When they walk in, they are met by the Madam who politely greets the young men. "I'd like to welcome you all to our establishment. You can have all the fun you want, but things are run a little different here" the Madam says. Intrigued, the group asks what the rules are. The Madam tells the group that instead of the clients choosing their lady, the clients must get undressed and the ladies choose whom they want to service.
The guys, all a little buzzed from partying, had no problem with this seeing how all the ladies were beautiful.
They all strip naked, and line up waiting to be chosen.
One by one girls walk by and grab the hand of a guy and they go up a grand staircase to the rooms upstairs.
One guy keeps getting looked over because of the fact that he has a tattoo on his manhood that says "Shorty". All the guys are chosen until he was the only one left. Reluctantly the last girl grabs his hand and they make their way up the grand staircase.
Time passes, and all the ladies and guys are done and down in the parlor enjoying a cigarette and a drink, except for "Shorty" and his mistress.
Moments later the upstairs door of the room they shared flung open. What seemed like a minute passed before slowly the mistress limped out and slowly made her way down to the parlor.
Shocked, the other girls ran to her aid questioning if he had beat her up or mistreated her....because obviously it wasn't because he was well endowed.
In a gasp the girl replied.........
"His tattoo read Shorty down here....but up there it read.. Shorty's One Stop Texaco Service Station, Chattanooga Tennessee"!
A group of guys on a trip decide to all go to the local brothel in search of a little fun. When they walk in, they are met by the Madam who politely greets the young men. "I'd like to welcome you all to our establishment. You can have all the fun you want, but things are run a little different here" the Madam says. Intrigued, the group asks what the rules are. The Madam tells the group that instead of the clients choosing their lady, the clients must get undressed and the ladies choose whom they want to service.
The guys, all a little buzzed from partying, had no problem with this seeing how all the ladies were beautiful.
They all strip naked, and line up waiting to be chosen.
One by one girls walk by and grab the hand of a guy and they go up a grand staircase to the rooms upstairs.
One guy keeps getting looked over because of the fact that he has a tattoo on his manhood that says "Shorty". All the guys are chosen until he was the only one left. Reluctantly the last girl grabs his hand and they make their way up the grand staircase.
Time passes, and all the ladies and guys are done and down in the parlor enjoying a cigarette and a drink, except for "Shorty" and his mistress.
Moments later the upstairs door of the room they shared flung open. What seemed like a minute passed before slowly the mistress limped out and slowly made her way down to the parlor.
Shocked, the other girls ran to her aid questioning if he had beat her up or mistreated her....because obviously it wasn't because he was well endowed.
In a gasp the girl replied.........
"His tattoo read Shorty down here....but up there it read.. Shorty's One Stop Texaco Service Station, Chattanooga Tennessee"!
Re: Official Joke Thread
Very similar to the vintage Steven Wright joke -- where he's in a bar meets a nymphomaniac who is crying.....ultimately she tells him that she's upset because she's a Nymphomaniac who only gets turned on by Jewish Cowboys -- she tells him her name is Diane......"Hi Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein" --
Re: Official Joke Thread
Nancy Pelosi’s limo is traveling through the countryside when it hits and kills a cow. Nancy tells the driver to go up to the farmhouse and tell the people living ther he killed their cow.
After 2 hours the limo driver comes back, obviously drunk with his shirt practically ripped off. What happedned to you and why were you gone so long.
The driver said he went up to the farmhouse and told the family there what happened. The farmers wife cooked him a fine meal, the farmer gave him some of the best moonshine he’d ever had, and they sent him off to the barn for an hour with their 20-something daughter.
Nancy asked, “What did you tell them?” The driver replied, “I told them I was your driver, and I killed the cow.”
Nancy Pelosi’s limo is traveling through the countryside when it hits and kills a cow. Nancy tells the driver to go up to the farmhouse and tell the people living ther he killed their cow.
After 2 hours the limo driver comes back, obviously drunk with his shirt practically ripped off. What happedned to you and why were you gone so long.
The driver said he went up to the farmhouse and told the family there what happened. The farmers wife cooked him a fine meal, the farmer gave him some of the best moonshine he’d ever had, and they sent him off to the barn for an hour with their 20-something daughter.
Nancy asked, “What did you tell them?” The driver replied, “I told them I was your driver, and I killed the cow.”
Re: Official Joke Thread
Sailor Walks Into A Bar.
He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.
The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm, a wave crashed over the deck and swept me off inter the sea. Before I was rescued, a shark swam up and bit off me leg!"
"That's quite the story" the sailor responds. "What about the hook?"
"Arr, we were boarding a vessel, swords were flying, and in the fray, I got me hand chopped off!"
"Wow, that's another impressive story. What's the story behind the eye patch?"
"It twas a beautiful day, while I was gazing up at the clear blue sky, a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"
"You lost your eye to bird poop?" the sailor asks incredulously.
"Well," responds the pirate, "Twas the first day with me hook..."
Sailor Walks Into A Bar.
He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.
The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm, a wave crashed over the deck and swept me off inter the sea. Before I was rescued, a shark swam up and bit off me leg!"
"That's quite the story" the sailor responds. "What about the hook?"
"Arr, we were boarding a vessel, swords were flying, and in the fray, I got me hand chopped off!"
"Wow, that's another impressive story. What's the story behind the eye patch?"
"It twas a beautiful day, while I was gazing up at the clear blue sky, a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"
"You lost your eye to bird poop?" the sailor asks incredulously.
"Well," responds the pirate, "Twas the first day with me hook..."
Re: Official Joke Thread
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.
"No really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
__________________
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.
"No really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
__________________
Re: Official Joke Thread
For the musicians:
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
For the musicians:
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Re: Official Joke Thread
Ladies, if you you've got a navel ring but it can only be seen on the exhale..... - Michael Jr.
Ladies, if you you've got a navel ring but it can only be seen on the exhale..... - Michael Jr.
Re: Official Joke Thread
There are three types of people in the world - those who can count, and those who can't
There are three types of people in the world - those who can count, and those who can't
Re: Official Joke Thread
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside this refrigerator . . . . . "
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside this refrigerator . . . . . "
Re: Official Joke Thread
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and The gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pants and begins to charge her. About halfway there, shethrows open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and The gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pants and begins to charge her. About halfway there, shethrows open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
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Re: Official Joke Thread
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten
her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she
might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: " I didn't recognize you."
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten
her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she
might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: " I didn't recognize you."
Re: Official Joke Thread
The Guest . . . .
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was bored with nothing to do. There was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
So I said, "Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?”
He said, "Beats the heck out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."
The Guest . . . .
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was bored with nothing to do. There was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
So I said, "Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?”
He said, "Beats the heck out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."
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