Official Joke Thread - Page 7
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  1. #79
    BamaNation All-SEC TidefaninOS's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Good'uns, Ras! Let me try another one.

    A guy goes into a bar, and tells the bartender "I want 6 shots of the most expensive scotch you have". The bartender points behind him and says "well, that scotch is $35 a shot". And the guy says "pour me up 6 of them". So the bartender lines up 6 shot glasses on the bar and fills them with the scotch. And, within about 30 seconds, the guy chug-a-lugs every one of them. The bartender says "Dang! I ain't never seen anybody drink like that!" The guy says "you'd drink like that if you had what I got". The bartender says "well, what have you got"? And the guy says..."I got fifty cents!"
    "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan K. Simpson

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  3. #80
    BamaNation Hall of Fame 92tide's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasputin View Post
    ********** Top 15 Country Songs for 2012 *********
    >
    >
    >
    15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
    14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
    13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
    12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
    11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
    10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
    9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
    8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
    7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
    6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
    5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
    4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
    3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
    2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
    - - - And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2012 Is:
    1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up*With*A*Few
    two more for that list

    - I ain't gonna get over you til you get out from under him
    - I'm beginning to think the less that i drink, the more i don't want you around (actual charlie sizemore song)
    The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.

    - George Orwell

    If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about the answers.

    — Thomas Pynchon

  4. #81
    BamaNation All-SEC TidefaninOS's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Rasputin View Post
    ********** Top 15 Country Songs for 2012 *********
    >
    >
    >
    15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
    14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
    13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
    12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
    11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
    10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
    9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
    8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
    7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
    6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
    5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
    4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
    3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
    2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
    - - - And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2012 Is:
    1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up*With*A*Few
    And the old standby: I got tears in my ears, from lying on my back, crying over you.
    "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan K. Simpson

  5. #82
    BamaNation All-American mikes12's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    One of my faves (and almost always gets a laugh, even if it's one of those 'so stupid it's funny').

    Q: What are the two sexiest farm animals?
    A: Brown chicken, brown cow. (pronounced like bow-chicka-bow-wow)

  6. #83
    Moderator ValuJet's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Two hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

    They managed to bag 6.

    As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
    take only 4 moose.

    The two guys objected strongly.

    'Last year we got six.

    The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

    However, even on full power, the little plane
    couldn't handle the load and went down.

    Somehow, surrounded by flames, smoke, wreckage and the moose bodies,
    Stashu and Ziggy survived the crash.

    After climbing out of the wreckage,

    Stashu asks Ziggy,

    'Any idea where we are?'

    Ziggy replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

  7. #84
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Bazza's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

    The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

    The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

    The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

  8. #85
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Bazza's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    (Engineer joke)

    A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are being put to death during the French revolution. The doctor is first in line. The executioner asks if he wants to be head up or head down? He thinks for a minute and says "Head up. I always face my adversity."

    They load him into the guillotine. The executioner releases the blade. It falls, but come to a sudden stop, just above his neck.

    Thinking this is some sort of divine intervention, they release him.

    Next is the lawyer. They ask the same question and he immediately say head up. Again he is loaded, the blade released and again it stops inches above his neck. "I declare that based on the precedent set by the doctor, I must be released!". And so they do.

    Finally, they come to the engineer and again ask how he would like to be positioned. "Well, it worked for the other fellows, I'll be head up as well." They start to load him into the guillotine. The engineer looks up and points: "Hey, I think I see your problem!"

  9. #86
    FB Moderator Bamabuzzard's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    An elderly man received a call one morning from his elderly neighbor.

    Woman: "Would you mind coming over and helping me put this puzzle together? I tried for two hours and can't figure it out."

    The man, really not wanting to feels somewhat bad for the lady and responds "Okay, but what is the puzzle of?"

    Woman: "A rooster"

    Man: "A rooster?"

    Woman: "Yep, a rooster".

    Man' "I'm on my way"

    He goes over and lets himself in. He looks down at the puzzle and tells the lady.

    "You know, I don't think we're going to get this puzzle put together. Why don' you go fix us both a cup of coffee and I'll put these cornflakes back in the box."
    The existence of God isn't determined in the thoughts of man. God exists, no matter what man thinks.

    "It cost a lot of money to look this cheap."-Dolly Parton.

    "If you ever want to know how good your barbecue is start charging for it"-Myron Mixon

  10. #87
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Bazza's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

    The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
    You are welcome here as long as you like,
    but you may not speak until directed to do so.'

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
    before the Priest said to her,
    'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

    Sister Mary Katherine said,
    'Hard bed.'

    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
    'We will get you a better bed.'

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
    'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

    'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
    and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
    the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
    'You may say two words today.'

    'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

    'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
    'You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here!'

  11. #88
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Clubfitter's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

    "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

    "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

    The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

    The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

    The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

    The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

    The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

    The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
    “What happened yesterday is history. What happens tomorrow is a mystery. What we do today makes a difference - the precious present moment.”
    Coach Nick Saban.

  12. #89
    BamaNation Hall of Fame TexasBama's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A dog walks into in to a bar, jumps up on a stool and says to bartender "hey bartender, you got a free drink for a talking dog?" The bartender says "sure. The bathrooms down the hall there and the lids up"

  13. #90
    BamaNation Hall of Fame GreatDanish's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    How many amnesiacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    To get to the other side.

  14. #91
    BamaNation All-American
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Doctor to Patient: You have to stop masturbating.

    Patient: Why?

    Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.

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