Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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Bazza

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Oct 1, 2011
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Re: Official Joke Thread

An elderly man was stopped by the police about 2:00 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



“I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body,” he replied, “as well the harmful results of smoking and staying out late.”



“Really?” asked the officer. “And who’d be giving a lecture like that at this time of night?”



“That would be my wife,” the man replied.


 

TrueCrimson7

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Sep 21, 2014
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Bret Bielema passed away and met St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter told Bret that he was pleased with his work on earth and took him on a tour of Heaven. They first stopped by Bielema's eternal home which was a quaint ranch style house with an Arkansas razorback symbol on the mailbox. Bielema was pleased.

They then passed by a larger 2-story house with two MSU bulldog flags in the front yard. St. Peter explained that Dan Mullen had a little better life on earth and earned a nicer reward upon his earthly demise.

They then walked a little further until Bret began to see the largest mansion he had ever seen. It was painted Crimson and White with elephant symbols throughout the property, the words "Roll Tide" emblazoned on the roof, and a speaker blaring "Yea, Alabama" continuously. Bielema said, "Wow, I didn't realize Coach Saban had passed from earth." "He hasn't", said St. Peter, "This is God's house."
 

ValuJet

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Sep 28, 2000
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Back and forth
. . . . back and forth . . . In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . .
With a huge smile on
his face as his wife moved . . . .
Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first,
Then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . Totally exhausted . . . .
She let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :

"OK, OK, you smug bastard,
I can't park it . . . .

YOU DO IT
 

ValuJet

Moderator
Sep 28, 2000
22,626
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man received the following text from his neighbor: “I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "I hate autospell! I meant
"wifi," not "wife." :eek2:
 
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