Official Joke Thread - Page 9
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  1. #105
    BamaNation All-American Crimson Flyboy's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    If you want to be a farmer, go to Auburn University.

    If you want to own the farm, go to The University of Alabama.
    "The sole object and only legitimate end of government is to protect the citizen in the enjoyment of life, liberty, and property, and when the government assumes other functions, it is usurpation and oppression."

    "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor will I ever ask another man to live for the sake of mine."

    "Any man who strives for free inquiry, free thought, and self ownership is my brother and countryman."

    A is A.

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  3. #106
    BamaNation All-American Crimson Flyboy's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    More Auburn jokes:

    Q: What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
    A: Please open other end.

    Q: What do you call 47 football fans around a TV watching all the Bowl Games?
    A: The Auburn Tigers.

    Q: What do the Auburn Tigers and Billy Graham have in common?
    A: They both can make 75,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

    Q: What do you call a Auburn player with a National Championship ring?
    A: A thief.

    Q: Why do Auburn Cheerleaders wear panties?
    A: To keep their ankles warm.

    Q: What do you call an Auburn grad wearing a suit and tie?
    A: The defendant!

    Q: Why can't Auburn's coach go on the internet?
    A: He can't put 3 W's together.

    Q: How many Tigers does it take to change a flat tire?
    A: Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!

    Q: If you have a car containing a Auburn wide receiver, a Auburn linebacker, and a Auburn defensive back, who is driving the car?
    A: The cop.

    Q: What does the average Auburn student get on their SAT's?
    A: Drool.

    Q: How many Auburn freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Zero, it is a sophomore course.

    Q: Did you hear about the Aubies found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
    A: They went to see "Closed for Winter".

    Q: What do Auburn grads call Bama grads?
    A: BOSS!

    Q: How can you become a small-business owner in Alabama?
    A: Get a large business and let a Auburn grad run it for you.

    Q: What is the difference between the Moon and the Auburn Tigers?
    A: The Moon knows how to control the Tide.

    Q: What do the Auburn Tigers and a Sand Castle have in common?
    A: They both look good until the TIDE ROLLS in.

    Q: How do you get an Auburn grad off your front porch?
    A: Pay him for the pizza.
    "The sole object and only legitimate end of government is to protect the citizen in the enjoyment of life, liberty, and property, and when the government assumes other functions, it is usurpation and oppression."

    "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor will I ever ask another man to live for the sake of mine."

    "Any man who strives for free inquiry, free thought, and self ownership is my brother and countryman."

    A is A.

  4. #107
    BamaNation All-American Crimson Flyboy's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

    About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yardline. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat.

    As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No".

    Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!"

    The man replies, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1960."

    "Well, that's really sad," Joe said, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man relied, They're all at the funeral!"
    "The sole object and only legitimate end of government is to protect the citizen in the enjoyment of life, liberty, and property, and when the government assumes other functions, it is usurpation and oppression."

    "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor will I ever ask another man to live for the sake of mine."

    "Any man who strives for free inquiry, free thought, and self ownership is my brother and countryman."

    A is A.

  5. #108
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Bazza's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
    from the big city and is certain that he has a better education than any
    cop from Texas.
    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

    The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

    "What for?" says the lawyer.

    The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
    sign."

    Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    "You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
    and registration, please."

    The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    "The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
    law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

    Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
    down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
    give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
    ticket."

    "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
    beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
    stop, or just slow down?"

  6. #109
    BamaNation All-SEC TidefaninOS's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Bazza View Post
    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
    from the big city and is certain that he has a better education than any
    cop from Texas.
    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

    The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

    "What for?" says the lawyer.

    The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
    sign."

    Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    "You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
    and registration, please."

    The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    "The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
    law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

    Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
    down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
    give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
    ticket."

    "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
    beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
    stop, or just slow down?"
    Hillary?
    "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan K. Simpson

  7. #110
    BamaNation Hall of Fame bamachile's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
    “Louisiana is a fresh-air mental asylum.”
    ― James Lee Burke, Pegasus Descending

  8. #111
    BamaNation All-American bobstod's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
    ALABAMA : Tradition ; Class ; A name to respect in College Football

  9. #112
    BamaNation Hall of Fame TexasBama's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Q: Why did they cancel the Christmas Play at Auburn?
    A: They couldn't find three wise men.

    Q: What's a crying shame?
    A: A bus load of lawyers going over a cliff with two empty seats.

  10. #113
    BamaNation All-American Crimson Flyboy's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by TexasBama View Post
    Q: Why did they cancel the Christmas Play at Auburn?
    A: They couldn't find three wise men.

    Q: What's a crying shame?
    A: A bus load of lawyers going over a cliff with two empty seats.
    Auburn couldn't find a virgin either.
    "The sole object and only legitimate end of government is to protect the citizen in the enjoyment of life, liberty, and property, and when the government assumes other functions, it is usurpation and oppression."

    "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor will I ever ask another man to live for the sake of mine."

    "Any man who strives for free inquiry, free thought, and self ownership is my brother and countryman."

    A is A.

  11. #114
    BamaNation All-American Crimson Flyboy's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    "The sole object and only legitimate end of government is to protect the citizen in the enjoyment of life, liberty, and property, and when the government assumes other functions, it is usurpation and oppression."

    "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor will I ever ask another man to live for the sake of mine."

    "Any man who strives for free inquiry, free thought, and self ownership is my brother and countryman."

    A is A.

  12. #115
    BamaNation All-American Nolan's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Two nuns are walking down the street when they get pulled into an alley by a couple of thugs. The men overpower the them and attempt to rape the women. One of the sisters looks to the sky and says, "Forgive him, Father, for he does not know what he is doing." The other nun cries with delight, "Mine does!"

  13. #116
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Catfish's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
    ...
    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

    The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
    "...Defense shut 'em down! Offense make plays! Hey, let's go be champions, boys!"- Greg McElroy

  14. #117
    BamaNation Hall of Fame Clubfitter's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
    St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
    clocks behind him. He asked,
    "What are all those clocks?"
    St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone
    on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands
    on your clock will move."
    "oh" said the man, "whose clock is that?"
    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never
    moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
    "Incredible," said the man.
    "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
    moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
    his entire life."
    "Where's Obama's clock?"
    "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling
    fan."
    Last edited by Clubfitter; October 6th, 2013 at 04:34 PM. Reason: spelling
    “What happened yesterday is history. What happens tomorrow is a mystery. What we do today makes a difference - the precious present moment.”
    Coach Nick Saban.

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