Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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TidefaninOS

All-SEC
Feb 14, 2009
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Ocean Springs, MS
Re: Official Joke Thread

********** Top 15 Country Songs for 2012 *********
>
>
>
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
- - - And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2012 Is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up*With*A*Few
And the old standby: I got tears in my ears, from lying on my back, crying over you.
 

mikes12

All-American
Nov 10, 2005
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Chattanooga, TN
Re: Official Joke Thread

One of my faves (and almost always gets a laugh, even if it's one of those 'so stupid it's funny').

Q: What are the two sexiest farm animals?
A: Brown chicken, brown cow. (pronounced like bow-chicka-bow-wow)
 

ValuJet

Moderator
Sep 28, 2000
22,626
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Two hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.

The two guys objected strongly.

'Last year we got six.

The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane
couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by flames, smoke, wreckage and the moose bodies,
Stashu and Ziggy survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage,

Stashu asks Ziggy,

'Any idea where we are?'

Ziggy replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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Re: Official Joke Thread

(Engineer joke)

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are being put to death during the French revolution. The doctor is first in line. The executioner asks if he wants to be head up or head down? He thinks for a minute and says "Head up. I always face my adversity."

They load him into the guillotine. The executioner releases the blade. It falls, but come to a sudden stop, just above his neck.

Thinking this is some sort of divine intervention, they release him.

Next is the lawyer. They ask the same question and he immediately say head up. Again he is loaded, the blade released and again it stops inches above his neck. "I declare that based on the precedent set by the doctor, I must be released!". And so they do.

Finally, they come to the engineer and again ask how he would like to be positioned. "Well, it worked for the other fellows, I'll be head up as well." They start to load him into the guillotine. The engineer looks up and points: "Hey, I think I see your problem!"
 

Bamabuzzard

FB Moderator
Staff member
Aug 15, 2004
30,562
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Where ever there's BBQ, Bourbon & Football
Re: Official Joke Thread

An elderly man received a call one morning from his elderly neighbor.

Woman: "Would you mind coming over and helping me put this puzzle together? I tried for two hours and can't figure it out."

The man, really not wanting to feels somewhat bad for the lady and responds "Okay, but what is the puzzle of?"

Woman: "A rooster"

Man: "A rooster?"

Woman: "Yep, a rooster".

Man' "I'm on my way"

He goes over and lets himself in. He looks down at the puzzle and tells the lady.

"You know, I don't think we're going to get this puzzle put together. Why don' you go fix us both a cup of coffee and I'll put these cornflakes back in the box."
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here!'
 

Clubfitter

Hall of Fame
Feb 21, 2009
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www.amtrustwebsite.com
Re: Official Joke Thread

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
 

TexasBama

TideFans Legend
Jan 15, 2000
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Houston, Texas USA
Re: Official Joke Thread

A dog walks into in to a bar, jumps up on a stool and says to bartender "hey bartender, you got a free drink for a talking dog?" The bartender says "sure. The bathrooms down the hall there and the lids up"
 

GreatDanish

Hall of Fame
Nov 22, 2005
6,079
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TN
Re: Official Joke Thread

How many amnesiacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.
 

BamaPokerplayer

All-American
Oct 10, 2004
3,112
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Doctor to Patient: You have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.
 

danb

All-SEC
Dec 4, 2011
1,088
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Hazel Green, AL
Re: Official Joke Thread

Coach Bryant and coach dye find themselves side by side at the stadium urinal trough after an Iron Bowl (After a resounding victory for the Tide!)

coach dye looks over at Coach Bryant and says..."good Lawd Pawl.....how'd that thing get to be so BIG"

Coach Bryant in a gravley voice tells him....."Every night before I go to bed, I grab it in my hands, and smack it three times against the headboard........

and in time, it grew to that size..."

they both part ways.

Then late that night, Pat finally makes it home. He makes his way quietly through the darkened house into the bedroom where his wife lay, already fast asleep...

He undresses and as he pulls the covers back, he remembers what Coach had told him......He grabs his manhood and smacks it three times on the headboard.....

Startled Mrs. Dye awakens in the pitch black room and exclaims....."BEAR....IS THAT YOU????"
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,580
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New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

The Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 

TexasBama

TideFans Legend
Jan 15, 2000
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Houston, Texas USA
Re: Official Joke Thread

Near the end of the 1984 Iron Bowl and Auburn has to score. Pat Dye prays "God please tell what play to run". God says "run Bo right". Bo runs right and they don't make it. After the game Dye's praying and say "God, why did you tell me run that play?" God says "hang on a second. Bear, why did we tell him to run that play?" :)
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,580
21,211
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New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

*The Pastor and his false teeth*

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake....and he just couldn't stop.......talking!
 

RollinTider1335

All-SEC
Jun 12, 2010
1,460
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0
Spring Hill, TN
Re: Official Joke Thread

An guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

Bartender: Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?

Guy: I know, it's drivin' me nuts.
 

hollisx4

1st Team
Aug 29, 2005
907
1
37
56
Columbiana, AL.
Re: Official Joke Thread

I have a cross eyed nephew that throws the javelin for his high school track team.

He's never won an event, but he sure keeps the crowd on their toes:)
 
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