Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

  • Bama Gymnastics @ NCAA Championship Semi-finals (ESPN2 | TONIGHT - 4/18 @ 8pm CT). We will have a game thread going in the Women's Sports board. Come join us!
Status
Not open for further replies.

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,770
21,482
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angelfood cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
And the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized,talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her And talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake And would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of an excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for desert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"THANK YOU, I BAKED IT MYSELF" Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD IS GOOD"
 

Go Bama

Hall of Fame
Dec 6, 2009
13,818
14,170
187
16outa17essee
Re: Official Joke Thread

SIAP


A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right"
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **
And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,770
21,482
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two *******s.”
“What! Two *******s?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two *******s.”
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,770
21,482
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,770
21,482
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! ??? I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW I COULD SCREAM!!!! LORD, I don't NEED this junk!!!
I was at the grocery store today in the checkout line and I dropped a $20 bill.....The lady in front of me picked it up and I thanked her and held out my hand and SHE SAID THE DUMBEST thing EVER! "THE THINGS FOUND ON EARTH ARE KEPT BY THE COLLECTOR"!!! I didn't understand it at first but she wasn't giving it back.....
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT??????? I about lost my salvation and knocked her block off!!! She just starts walking to the door and out to the parking lot....I am yelling and running after her saying is this a joke???? The cashier was mumbling about calling the manager.....I was yelling, "Give me back my MONEY!!! GIVE ME BACK MY $20!" I followed her to her car and I was crying and shaking and wanted to call 911 but didn't know WHAT to do....She was at the trunk of her car with her bags on the ground so I GRABBED THE BAGS and RAN TO MY CAR and shouted back the same thing!!! "THE THINGS FOUND ON EARTH ARE KEPT BY THE COLLECTOR!!" And then I ran over to my car, shaking and crying....and now SHE WAS SCREAMING AT ME!!!!! I have NEVER stolen ANYTHING in my LIFE!!! So, when I got home, I OPENED HER BAGS and found ALL the STUFF she bought PLUS the baloney I just fed ya!
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
35,770
21,482
187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford
air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.
 

CajunCrimson

Moderator (FB,BB) and Vinyl Enthusiast
Staff member
Mar 13, 2001
26,777
21,563
337
Breaux Bridge, La
Re: Official Joke Thread

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford
air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.

 
Status
Not open for further replies.

New Posts

Latest threads

TideFans.shop - NEW Stuff!

TideFans.shop - Get YOUR Bama Gear HERE!”></a>
<br />

<!--/ END TideFans.shop & item link \-->
<p style= Purchases made through our TideFans.shop and Amazon.com links may result in a commission being paid to TideFans.