Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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twofbyc

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Oct 14, 2009
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Boudreaux and Trosclair were sittin on dey poarch, when ol Thibodeax drives up wit his pickup full of nutrasweet. Boudreaux says, "hey, Thibodeax, where you be goin wid all dat nutrasweet?" Thidodeaux says, "I goin' nutria huntin'." Trosclair say, "Thibodeaux, you ol cajun fool, you ain't gonna catch no nutria wid nutrasweet. You crazy." So Thibodeaux drives off, and comes drivin back by a few hours later with a truckload of nutria. Boudreaux and Trosclair looked at each other, and just shook their heads.
Next day, ol boys is out on da poarch again, and Thibodeaux drives up wid a truckload of duct tape. Trosclair say, "Thibodeaux, what you gou all dat duct tape for?" Thibodeaux say, "Man, I goin duck huntin'." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, you can't catch ducks wid duct tape - you about one dumb-arse cajun." Thibodeaux drives off, comes back by a few hours later with ducks jus fallin outta his truck, he got so many. Boudreaux and Trosclair look at each other in disbelief.
Next day, Thibodeaux drives up with a truck full of ________willows. Boudreux looks at Trosclair, and in unison they say, "Wait, Thibodeaux, we goin wid you!"
 

tidefanbeezer

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Sep 25, 2006
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man walks into a bar with a shoe box under his arm. He walks to the bar, sets the shoebox down and orders a beer. The bartender is curious so he asks the man "What's in the box?" The man opens the lid of the box and it contains a 12 inch tall concert pianist. The bartender is amazed and asks the man "Where did you get that?!?!"

The man replies, "From the genie in the parking lot." The bartender looks confused. "There's a genie in the parking lot?" the man says, "Yep."

The bartender immediately runs outside and finds the genie in the parking lot. The genie tells the bartender, "I can grant you one wish." The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "I want 100 million bucks."

Almost immediately, the sky breaks open and 100 million ducks fall from the sky. The bartender is furious. He runs back inside to the man at the bar and says, "Hey! That genie is terrible! I asked for 100 million bucks and he gave me 100 million dicks!"

The man at the bar looks at the bartender and says, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
 

Chukker Veteran

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Re: Official Joke Thread

An Alabama fan is drinking in a New Orleans bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Alabama Crimson Tide baby boy weighing 25 pounds..

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Alabama Tide fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Crimson Tide baby boy. Gonna be an Alabama football player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Alabama Crimson Tide baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Alabama Crimson Tide father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,,,,,,

"Had him circumcised."
 

hollisx4

1st Team
Aug 29, 2005
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Re: Official Joke Thread

An old Chinese man named Chan called into his employer telling him he was sick and couldn't come to work today.

The boss said "Chan, we are really busy and need you today, why don't you do what I do when I'm sick", Chan said what is that boss and the boss said "when I'm sick I make mad passionate love to my wife and then I feel much better".

Chan said he would think about it and hung up.

A couple of hours later the boss' phone rang and it was Chan who said, "hey boss, I do what you say and now I feel much better so I will come in to work...by the way you got really nice house".
 

twofbyc

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered."Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...


 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him... He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie....’ 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
 

twofbyc

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Oct 14, 2009
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Re: Official Joke Thread

If this one crosses the line, please delete....
Man comes into kitchen one morning and wife is busy making breakfast, humming and floating around the kitchen with a smile on her face.
"Why are you in such a good mood this morning?", he asks.
She says, "Oh, I had a dream last night to end all dreams. It was unbelievable!"
"Oh, really? What did you dream about?", he inquires.
"Well,", she says, "I dreamed I went to a johnson auction" ."
"A what?", he exclaimed.
"A johnson auction. There were johnsons there of all shapes and sizes. There was one really nice one, they got $25,000 for it."
"Oh.", he said. "Were there any there like mine?"
She says, "As a matter of fact, there were; they had two barrels full of 'em, and were selling them for a nickel a piece."
Next morning, wife comes down for breakfast, and hubby has everything already cooked and is whistling a happy tune.
"Wow.", she says. "You sure are chipper this morning; what gives?"
"Well, you won't believe this, but last night I had the most incredible dream; I dreamed I wen to a hoo-ha auction. It was fantastic!"
"A what?" she cried.
"You heard me; a hoo-ha auction. They had some of the most gorgeous hoo-ha's I've ever seen. They had this perfect pink one that they got $37,000 for."
"Really?", she asks. "Did they have any like mine?"
He said, "Actally they did; they had two. They were icing beer down in one and throwing the empty cans in the other."

 
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twofbyc

Hall of Fame
Oct 14, 2009
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Re: Official Joke Thread

This is probably old to some, but it's a barn joke so it bears repeating...
Two Barn students were walking in the woods after a heavy snowfall, when one says to the other. "Man, I gotta go take a dump! Snow is everywhere, there ain't no leaves, what am I gonna do?"
Other one says, "Dude, calm down. Just use a dollar."
So first barner runs into the woods, and comes out a few minutes later cussing his head off.
"What's the matter?", says second barner, "Get your drawers wet?"
First one says, "Hell no - you and your stupid ideas! Now, not only do I have crap all over my hands, but I have four quarters stuck up my rear end!"
 

bamanut_aj

Hall of Fame
Jul 31, 2000
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man walks in to the psychiatrist's office, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear.

The psychiatrist says "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
 
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bamanut_aj

Hall of Fame
Jul 31, 2000
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A pirate walks in to the doctors office with a steering wheel in his pants.

Doctor says "sir, you have a steering wheel in your pants"

Pirate says "arrrrrr.... and it's drivin' me nuts"
 

tidefanbeezer

All-American
Sep 25, 2006
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Re: Official Joke Thread

An older man and his wife of 5 decades are driving on I-20, when the man spies a police car in his rear view mirror, sirens blaring. His wife, who is hard of hearing, shouts, "WHY ARE YOU SLOWING DOWN?". The man shouts back, "WE ARE BEING PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE." The wife responds "YOU WERE PROBABLY DRIVING TOO FAST. YOU ALWAYS DRIVE TOO FAST."

As the officer approaches the car, the man rolls down his window. The officer leans down and says, "Evening folks. I pulled you over because you were speeding." The wife shouts, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Old man responds, "HE SAID HE'S PULLING US OVER FOR SPEEDING." The wife shouts "SEE. I TOLD YOU. YOU ALWAYS DRIVE TOO FAST."

The officer then asks, "May I see your license and registration?" The wife shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Old man responds "SAID HE NEEDS TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION." The wife shouts "WELL, GIVE IT TO HIM. YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SITUATION IF YOU DIDN'T DRIVE SO FAST."

The officer notices that the old couple is from Auburn and being an Alabama fan, he thinks he'll have some good natured fun with them. "I see your from Auburn. I used to date a girl from there. Worst piece of tail I ever had." The wife shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The old man responds "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU."
 
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