Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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AlexanderFan

Hall of Fame
Jul 23, 2004
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Re: Official Joke Thread

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum sucking scavenger, and the other is just a fish.

Sorry to all the lawyers, it is a good joke.

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2
 

Probius

Hall of Fame
Mar 19, 2004
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Re: Official Joke Thread

More Auburn jokes:

Q: What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A: Please open other end.

Q: What do you call 47 football fans around a TV watching all the Bowl Games?
A: The Auburn Tigers.

Q: What do the Auburn Tigers and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 75,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: What do you call a Auburn player with a National Championship ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why do Auburn Cheerleaders wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What do you call an Auburn grad wearing a suit and tie?
A: The defendant!

Q: Why can't Auburn's coach go on the internet?
A: He can't put 3 W's together.

Q: How many Tigers does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!

Q: If you have a car containing a Auburn wide receiver, a Auburn linebacker, and a Auburn defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What does the average Auburn student get on their SAT's?
A: Drool.

Q: How many Auburn freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Zero, it is a sophomore course.

Q: Did you hear about the Aubies found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
A: They went to see "Closed for Winter".

Q: What do Auburn grads call Bama grads?
A: BOSS!

Q: How can you become a small-business owner in Alabama?
A: Get a large business and let a Auburn grad run it for you.

Q: What is the difference between the Moon and the Auburn Tigers?
A: The Moon knows how to control the Tide.

Q: What do the Auburn Tigers and a Sand Castle have in common?
A: They both look good until the TIDE ROLLS in.

Q: How do you get an Auburn grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
 

Probius

Hall of Fame
Mar 19, 2004
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yardline. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1960."

"Well, that's really sad," Joe said, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man relied, They're all at the funeral!"
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from the big city and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"
 

TidefaninOS

All-SEC
Feb 14, 2009
1,787
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from the big city and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"
Hillary?
 

TexasBama

TideFans Legend
Jan 15, 2000
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Q: Why did they cancel the Christmas Play at Auburn?
A: They couldn't find three wise men.

Q: What's a crying shame?
A: A bus load of lawyers going over a cliff with two empty seats.
 

Probius

Hall of Fame
Mar 19, 2004
6,773
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Birmingham, Alabama
Re: Official Joke Thread

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
 

Nolan

Hall of Fame
Jul 4, 2006
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Oahu
Re: Official Joke Thread

Two nuns are walking down the street when they get pulled into an alley by a couple of thugs. The men overpower the them and attempt to rape the women. One of the sisters looks to the sky and says, "Forgive him, Father, for he does not know what he is doing." The other nun cries with delight, "Mine does!"
 

Catfish

Hall of Fame
Oct 11, 2005
6,566
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Re: Official Joke Thread

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
...
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
 

Clubfitter

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Feb 21, 2009
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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone
on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands
on your clock will move."
"oh" said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."
 
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alabama mike1

All-American
Jul 12, 2013
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Ohio
Re: Official Joke Thread

A florist walks into a barbershop to get his hair cut. When the cut is over he asks the barber how much he owes. The barber says you owe me nothing bc I am doing community service this week. The next day the barber receives a beautiful flower arrangement and a thank you note.

The exact same thing happens with a policeman the next day but the barber receives a dozen doughnuts as a thank you.

On the third day a senator comes in for a haircut and sure enough the barber tells him he can't take any money bc he is doing community service for the week. The next day the barber has ten senators waiting on him to open his shop.
 

twofbyc

Hall of Fame
Oct 14, 2009
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Re: Official Joke Thread

Barring any miracle Saturday...Ol' Spit's football team
 

Bazza

TideFans Legend
Oct 1, 2011
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187
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Re: Official Joke Thread

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.




The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'

The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.



One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages
.......


However, he wrote:




1) It is perfect formula for the child.


2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.


And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:



7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.



He got an A.
 
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