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Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Little Mohamed entered his classroom in France.

- What is your name? Asked the teacher.

- Mohammad.... Answered the kid.

- Here we are in France, there is no Mohamed. From now on

Your name will be Jean-Francois, replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohamed returned home.


- How was your day, Mohamed? Asked his mother.

- My name is not Mohamed,I am in France and my name is

Jean-Francois.

- Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to

Disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you

..and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.







The next day Mohamed returned to school

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:

- What happened my little Jean-Francois.

- Well Miss, just two hours after becoming French I was attacked

By two Arabs!


 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on
a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no
breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens,
and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any
milk in my cereal? " he asks.

"Well," his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the
cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No ...I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan.”
 
alabama mike1

alabama mike1

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Recently, I was sitting in my lawn chair watching my wife mow grass on our tractor. The neighbor comes over and is really upset that I am having my wife mow the yard. He goes on and on about how mean I am and disrespectful to my wife for making her do this while I sit back and watch from my chair. Every time he says, something, I just reply that I have her trained well and that she is happy to do it. Finally, in total disgust the neighbor tells me that I ought to be hung. Calmly, I look at my neighbor and reply, I am, that's why she is mowing the grass!
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.“

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Boulder, Colorado , and still wearing all this ****?
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Students at a local college were assigned to read two books,"Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

They were asked to do a book report and contrast the 2 books.

One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His professor gave him an A+

Titanic: Cost = $29.99
Clinton : Cost = $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica's.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary; basically the same thing.
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the U.S., he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia. To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 
Bazza

Bazza

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Re: Official Joke Thread

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
 
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