Official Joke Thread
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  1. #1
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    Official Joke Thread

    I know some of our fellow NS (Neo-Screwups) hear some good ones from time to time. Use this thread to post them and hopefully we can get a few good laughs out of it...

    I will start it out with a political joke.

    Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

    One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
    " Walter," responds the little boy.

    "And what is your question, Walter?"

    "I have four questions:

    First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

    Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

    Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

    Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time... Who has a question?"

    Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

    "Steve," he responds.

    "And what is your question, Steve?"

    Actually, I have two questions.

    First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

    Second, What happened to Walter?"



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  3. #2
    BamaNation Hall of Fame SavannahDare's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A psychiatrist was making morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

    The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

    The doctor says to Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

    Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
    "She is the last of her kind, she thought. No wars had ever touched her, and she had lived through three; nothing had disturbed that world of hers, where gentlemen smoked on the porch or in hammocks, where ladies fanned themselves gently and drank cool water." - Jean Louise Finch describing her aunt in 'Go Set a Watchman'

  4. #3
    BamaNation Hall of Fame RVTIDER's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    This girl asked if I wanted to hear a joke about her vajajay, and I replied sure. She then said never mind, I would never get it.
    God is great, beer is good and people are crazy.

  5. #4

    Re: Official Joke Thread

    VeeJay: I think it's time to pull out the old "Philip the Puss-Sucker" joke.
    [B][/B]

  6. #5
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda, says "Where in
    the hell have you been?"

    Larry replies, "I was getting a tattoo"

    "A tattoo? What kind did you get?"

    Larry proudly says, " I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates."

    "What in the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head.
    "Why on earth would an accountant get a 100 dollar bill tattooed on

    his privates?"

    "Well.. One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
    like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my
    hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
    right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
    The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office. Dwight D. Eisenhower

  7. #6
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
    wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
    The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"


  8. #7
    BamaNation All-American MegaVars's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    One for g.

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
    The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

    The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

    So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

    The old man said,
    "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
    "And believe me, to have been in the city of Tuscaloosa in October when you were young and full of Early Times and had a shining Alabama gal by your side--to have had all that and then to have seen those red shirts pour onto the field, and, then, coming behind them, with that inexorable big cat walk of his, the man himself, The Bear--that was very good indeed." Howell Raines, a Washington correspondent for the New York Times.

  9. #8
    BamaNation All-SEC happytidefan's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
    As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
    He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
    She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. '
    nita - Roll Tide Roll!

  10. #9
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

    "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

    A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"



  11. #10

    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
    "Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"

    Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."

    The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

  12. #11
    BamaNation All-American MegaVars's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    A guy working in a factory has the machine he was running to jam, so he reaches over to clear the jam, without warning, the machine cranks up and rips off his unk . He’s rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, but due to the mangling off his junk, the doc informs him that they’ll have to go with a transplant. The guy tells the doc, ”you gotta do something, ‘cause I’m getting married next month” the doc says, “Relax son, we’ve got the finest junk transplants in the world, we’ll fix you right up.” So the man goes under and the doc sends the nurse for the transplant where she finds out that they are out of junk transplants. In a panic, the nurse heads down to the animal lab to try and find a replacement. When she arrives the only thing in the lab is a female baby elephant. Thinking fast, she tranquilizes the elephant and removes its trunk, rushing to surgery she explains to the doc the situation, so he quickly sews the trunk on as a temporary replacement. The man awakens in the recovery room where the doc explains the situation and guarantees the man a replacement as soon as it arrives, but in the meantime he sends the guy to physical therapy with the trunk. When the time comes for him to get married he's got pretty good with the trunk and his junk transplant is still 2 weeks out so he goes on his honeymoon with the trunk. After all night of honeymoonin` the guy wakes up to find his new bride has fixed him a huge breakfast in bed. He’s got bacon, eggs, grits, gravy and a plate of huge cathead biscuits. The man puts one of these huge biscuits on his plate and begins to enjoy his meal when the trunk shoots out from under the covers, grabs the biscuit and disappears under the cover. “Damn, did you see that?” he asks his new bride. “That’s ok honey, just get another one.” she says. So he does, and again the trunk shoots out from the cover, grabs the biscuit and disappears back under the covers. “Damn, did you see that, it did it again?” He says. She replies, “That’s ok honey, after last night it needs its energy, so you let it eat all it wants.” “That’s ok with you.” He says, “The damn thing ain’t shovin’ them biscuits up your arse.”
    "And believe me, to have been in the city of Tuscaloosa in October when you were young and full of Early Times and had a shining Alabama gal by your side--to have had all that and then to have seen those red shirts pour onto the field, and, then, coming behind them, with that inexorable big cat walk of his, the man himself, The Bear--that was very good indeed." Howell Raines, a Washington correspondent for the New York Times.

  13. #12

    Re: Official Joke Thread

    I hope Savannah doesn't perma-ban me for this one:

    Little Johnny had been asking his dad for a new bicycle several times over the last couple of months. Dad kept putting him off and finally said "Johnny, you know your mom just lost her job and now we have this $250,000 mortgage and only one income. We can't afford a new bicycle right now. I am sorry. You'll have to wait; maybe Christmas."

    A few days later Dad spotted Little Johnny walking away from the house, with a sack over his shoulder. He ran after him, caught up to him and said "Johnny, where are you going?"

    Little Johnny said "Well, Dad, last night I walked past your and Mom's bedroom door. I heard you say "I'm pulling out." Then, I heard Mom say "No, wait. I'm coming to." Well, Dad, there's no way I'm staying here alone with a mortgage and no bicycle!"

  14. #13
    BamaNation Hall of Fame RVTIDER's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by ValuJet View Post
    I hope Savannah doesn't perma-ban me for this one:

    Little Johnny had been asking his dad for a new bicycle several times over the last couple of months. Dad kept putting him off and finally said "Johnny, you know your mom just lost her job and now we have this $250,000 mortgage and only one income. We can't afford a new bicycle right now. I am sorry. You'll have to wait; maybe Christmas."

    A few days later Dad spotted Little Johnny walking away from the house, with a sack over his shoulder. He ran after him, caught up to him and said "Johnny, where are you going?"

    Little Johnny said "Well, Dad, last night I walked past your and Mom's bedroom door. I heard you say "I'm pulling out." Then, I heard Mom say "No, wait. I'm coming to." Well, Dad, there's no way I'm staying here alone with a mortgage and no bicycle!"
    You just opened the door for some awesomenessssssss
    God is great, beer is good and people are crazy.

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