Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)

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Rasputin

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I know some of our fellow NS (Neo-Screwups) hear some good ones from time to time. Use this thread to post them and hopefully we can get a few good laughs out of it...

I will start it out with a political joke.

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time... Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What happened to Walter?"


 

SavannahDare

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A psychiatrist was making morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor says to Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
 

RVTIDER

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Re: Official Joke Thread

This girl asked if I wanted to hear a joke about her vajajay, and I replied sure. She then said never mind, I would never get it.
 
I

It's On A Slab

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Re: Official Joke Thread

VeeJay: I think it's time to pull out the old "Philip the Puss-Sucker" joke. :biggrin:
 

twofbyc

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Re: Official Joke Thread

Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda, says "Where in
the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was getting a tattoo"

"A tattoo? What kind did you get?"

Larry proudly says, " I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates."

"What in the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a 100 dollar bill tattooed on

his privates?"

"Well.. One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my
hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

MegaVars

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One for g.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
 

happytidefan

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Re: Official Joke Thread

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. '
 

Rasputin

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Re: Official Joke Thread

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"


 

ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"

Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."

The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
 

MegaVars

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Re: Official Joke Thread

A guy working in a factory has the machine he was running to jam, so he reaches over to clear the jam, without warning, the machine cranks up and rips off his unk . He’s rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, but due to the mangling off his junk, the doc informs him that they’ll have to go with a transplant. The guy tells the doc, ”you gotta do something, ‘cause I’m getting married next month” the doc says, “Relax son, we’ve got the finest junk transplants in the world, we’ll fix you right up.” So the man goes under and the doc sends the nurse for the transplant where she finds out that they are out of junk transplants. In a panic, the nurse heads down to the animal lab to try and find a replacement. When she arrives the only thing in the lab is a female baby elephant. Thinking fast, she tranquilizes the elephant and removes its trunk, rushing to surgery she explains to the doc the situation, so he quickly sews the trunk on as a temporary replacement. The man awakens in the recovery room where the doc explains the situation and guarantees the man a replacement as soon as it arrives, but in the meantime he sends the guy to physical therapy with the trunk. When the time comes for him to get married he's got pretty good with the trunk and his junk transplant is still 2 weeks out so he goes on his honeymoon with the trunk. After all night of honeymoonin` the guy wakes up to find his new bride has fixed him a huge breakfast in bed. He’s got bacon, eggs, grits, gravy and a plate of huge cathead biscuits. The man puts one of these huge biscuits on his plate and begins to enjoy his meal when the trunk shoots out from under the covers, grabs the biscuit and disappears under the cover. “Damn, did you see that?” he asks his new bride. “That’s ok honey, just get another one.” she says. So he does, and again the trunk shoots out from the cover, grabs the biscuit and disappears back under the covers. “Damn, did you see that, it did it again?” He says. She replies, “That’s ok honey, after last night it needs its energy, so you let it eat all it wants.” “That’s ok with you.” He says, “The damn thing ain’t shovin’ them biscuits up your arse.”
 

ValuJet

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Re: Official Joke Thread

I hope Savannah doesn't perma-ban me for this one:

Little Johnny had been asking his dad for a new bicycle several times over the last couple of months. Dad kept putting him off and finally said "Johnny, you know your mom just lost her job and now we have this $250,000 mortgage and only one income. We can't afford a new bicycle right now. I am sorry. You'll have to wait; maybe Christmas."

A few days later Dad spotted Little Johnny walking away from the house, with a sack over his shoulder. He ran after him, caught up to him and said "Johnny, where are you going?"

Little Johnny said "Well, Dad, last night I walked past your and Mom's bedroom door. I heard you say "I'm pulling out." Then, I heard Mom say "No, wait. I'm coming to." Well, Dad, there's no way I'm staying here alone with a mortgage and no bicycle!"
 

RVTIDER

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I hope Savannah doesn't perma-ban me for this one:

Little Johnny had been asking his dad for a new bicycle several times over the last couple of months. Dad kept putting him off and finally said "Johnny, you know your mom just lost her job and now we have this $250,000 mortgage and only one income. We can't afford a new bicycle right now. I am sorry. You'll have to wait; maybe Christmas."

A few days later Dad spotted Little Johnny walking away from the house, with a sack over his shoulder. He ran after him, caught up to him and said "Johnny, where are you going?"

Little Johnny said "Well, Dad, last night I walked past your and Mom's bedroom door. I heard you say "I'm pulling out." Then, I heard Mom say "No, wait. I'm coming to." Well, Dad, there's no way I'm staying here alone with a mortgage and no bicycle!"
You just opened the door for some awesomenessssssss:)
 

twofbyc

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Re: Official Joke Thread

This girl asked if I wanted to hear a joke about her vajajay, and I replied sure. She then said never mind, I would never get it.
Was you arse-sore from gettin' saddle-thrown? :biggrin:
 

RVTIDER

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A man walks into a bar an orders a double scotch then moans at the bartender. The bartender ask the customer what is wrong sir. He replies I got a note today from an angry husband and he said he was gonna kill me if I did not stop having sex with his wife. So the bartender says whats wrong with that, just stop. Customer replies is not that easy. You see he didnt sign his name.
 

RVTIDER

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A man walks into his doctors office and says "Doctor I have five penises" Doctor says "thats terrible, how on earth does your trousers fit?" Patient replies, "like a glove".
 

MegaVars

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One for Riz....

A man walks into a bar with a monkey, sits at bar and orders a drink. While the man is enjoying his drink the monkey starts eating the peanuts at the bar and before too long has eaten all the peanuts. The bartender sees this and tells the man he’s gonna have to get the monkey away from the bar because the peanuts are for the paying customers only. So the man takes the monkey over to a pool table and starts to shoot a game of pool. Just as the man breaks the rack, the monkey jumps on the table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. The bartender goes wild and starts cussing the man out and tells him he and the monkey have to leave. The man, feeling bad, apologizes to the bartender, pays for the cue ball, his drinks, the peanuts, and buys a round for the house as he’s leaving. The bartender, now feeling bad for going off on the guy, tells him to come back in the next night and he’ll fix him and his monkey up. The following night the man comes back to the bar with his monkey, as they are sitting at the bar, the bartender brings the man his drink and brings the monkey a huge bowl of peanuts just for him. The monkey takes his first peanut, shoves it up his arse, pulls it out then pops it in his mouth. The bartender, not believing what he just saw, watches the monkey as he takes the second peanut, shove it up his arse, take it out and pop it in his mouth. Worried about the monkey, the bartender says to the man, “I think your monkey has gone crazy.” “He keeps shovin’ them peanuts up his arse and then poppin’ ‘em in his mouth.” “Oh no,” the man says, “He ain’t crazy, he’s just sizing ‘em to fit.”
 

derek4tide

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Re: Official Joke Thread

My favorite Lewis Grizzard, Bubba & Earl joke"

Bubba and Earl are driving back to Athens from Atlanta when they notice they needed some gas. They start looking for a gas station and see a sign that reads "Free Sex with Fill-up." They pull in and tell the attendant to "fill 'er up." After he's done the attendant goes to the window and says that it would be $18.00 for the gas. (This is an old story.)

They pay and as the attendant starts to walk away Bubba yells "What about my free sex?". The attendant rolls his eyes and goes to the window and says, "OK, but you have to guess the magic number. It's a number between 1 and 10." Bubba said, "6." The attendant says "No, the number is 3. Sorry."

As the attendant starts to walk off Earl says, "Give me a try." The attendant says "OK." Earl says, "7." And the attendant says "No, I told you the number was 3."

Bubba then speeds off and Earl looks over and says, "I think that game was fixed. There is no way to win." To which Bubba replies, "Uh uh, my wife won two times last week."
 
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