Official Joke Thread (Please place non-political jokes the other NS)
- Thread starter Rasputin
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Re: Official Joke Thread
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Re: Official Joke Thread
A man stops into a pub in Belfast for a pint. He's almost done with it when he turns to one of the locals and asks the chap next to him " Do you know what time it is?"
The local say "Sorry that i don't wear a watch, but do you see that Bobbie police station there across the street?"
"Sure" the visitor says.
Says the local "Well, when it blows up it will be three o'clock"
A man stops into a pub in Belfast for a pint. He's almost done with it when he turns to one of the locals and asks the chap next to him " Do you know what time it is?"
The local say "Sorry that i don't wear a watch, but do you see that Bobbie police station there across the street?"
"Sure" the visitor says.
Says the local "Well, when it blows up it will be three o'clock"
Re: Official Joke Thread
I'm not Irish.....but gotta say ouch on that one.....gonna leave a mark!
Re: Official Joke Thread
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Re: Official Joke Thread
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “ ey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God’s boy over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!"
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “ ey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God’s boy over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!"
Re: Official Joke Thread
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
- the second one.
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch?
- Names
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization..
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
- I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
- Because he is dead.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
- the second one.
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch?
- Names
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization..
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
- I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
- Because he is dead.
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