Re: The Onion thread
https://www.facebook.com/TheOnion/?...v_LgUG1BAE9u-J1yEG0xgLWc3JiTLvAjzH88M&fref=nf
https://www.facebook.com/TheOnion/?...v_LgUG1BAE9u-J1yEG0xgLWc3JiTLvAjzH88M&fref=nf
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras wrote dozens of elaborate, unhinged conspiracy theorems pertaining to triangles, researchers announced Wednesday.
WASHINGTON—Saying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that 90 percent of bike accidents could be prevented by buying a car like a normal person. “Our data confirm that the vast majority of cyclist injuries can be avoided simply by driving an automobile instead of biking around like some weirdo,” said lead researcher Dr. Laura Gafferty, adding that while bicycle riding was perfectly acceptable for children under 12, it was not recommended for any actual grown-up who wasn’t competing in the Tour de France or similar event where it wasn’t completely ridiculous. “Regular people drive cars because it’s the normal and not the abnormal thing to do. If every cyclist purchased and operated a car like you’re supposed to as an adult, bike fatalities would drop an estimated 40 percent within six months alone.” Gafferty went on to say that people who biked for exercise should consider driving to a gym and using a stationary bike facing a wall of televisions like everyone else.
LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that have come to light,” said Droog member Georgie, explaining that although the group had systems in place to swiftly address such allegations, it clearly did not adequately follow those procedures. “Even though these acts took place decades ago, it does not excuse Alex’s heinous and unforgivable actions. This is not at all what the Droogs stand for.” At press time, DeLarge had offered to undergo two weeks of rigorous aversion therapy to rehabilitate himself.
interestingly enough, the author of this onion piece lives near the school where yesterday's shooting occurred
https://twitter.com/abc/status/963976307879985152I sent his to my wife after I read it yesterday. One of the better reads I’ve seen in a while there. Another one was- “Parents Throw Gender Reveal for Their Teenager.”Not Onion, but the Babylon Bee is also hilarious: ‘I’m Bored,’ Says Kid With More Luxuries Than Even Royalty Possessed Just 100 Years Ago
Hilarious!
People like Samantha Bee should pay attention. This is how you lampoon people.Hilarious!
The expression indicates that he really, really needs this...People like Samantha Bee should pay attention. This is how you lampoon people.
HahahahahahahahaAt press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.
Hell, could you imagine Jefferson Beauregard Sessions high, though?The expression indicates that he really, really needs this...
Imagine Jeff Sessions on 'shrooms.Hell, could you imagine Jefferson Beauregard Sessions high, though?
"My God. What have I been doing with my life?"