The Onion / Babylon Bee / great satire thread

92tide

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Re: The Onion thread

ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child

PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. “I always said kids weren’t for me, but seeing the desperate love in the way those parents screamed and tore at their son’s shirt as I pulled him away—to have that powerful a bond must be amazing,” said Howe, admitting the intense sobbing as he kicked the parents off their son helped him finally understand how the power of the parent–child connection made two people very nearly inseparable.
 

AUDub

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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Re: The Onion thread

link

High School Quarterback Starting To Suspect Friendship With Nick Saban Founded On Ulterior Motives



LUFKIN, TX—Despite enjoying the constant attention and lengthy chats on the phone every night, 16-year-old quarterback prospect Colby Spear told reporters Thursday that he is beginning to suspect his friendship with University of Alabama head coach Nick Saban was founded on ulterior motives. “Coach Saban introduced himself to me right after I started breaking the passing records at my school, and it did seem kind of weird, but I just assumed he wanted to make friends with someone who loved football as much as he does,” said Spear, adding that Saban, like all the other adults he knows, mostly just marvels at how fast he’s growing and asks boring questions about his plans for college. “Still, I can’t shake the feeling that he wants something from me. Maybe it’s the way he’s always complimenting my intangibles, suggesting I’d be great in a pro-style offense, or telling me I’d look really sharp in crimson and white.” Spear, who did not want to rush to judgment, reportedly plans to run his theory past some of his other friends, specifically Louisiana State University football coach Les Miles when the pair meet for lunch next week.
 

Crimson1967

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There is a Facebook page called America’s Last Line of Defense. It is a satire page. In the “about” section of their profile page, they say everything they post is made up with the intent of trolling right wing Trump supporters.

What they do is make up outlandish stories that make it look like a Democrat is doing something horrible. Here is an example.




Clearly, this is fake. Common sense tells you that. Even if you suspected it were true, a quick google search would debunk it pretty quickly.

Yet a large number of people seem to think what they post is true. My buddy actually shared this on his page. He even got several comments from others saying how terrible this was and that guy should be in jail.

I thought about letting them know it was a joke, but decided it was funnier to let them wallow in their own ignorance. He even got a comment from someone who is a lawyer. (At least it says he is on his profile page). I shudder for his clients if he believes nonsense he sees on Facebook.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

92tide

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Military Refuses to Participate in Trump’s Parade, Citing Bone Spurs

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Pentagon has turned down Donald J. Trump’s request for a grand military parade in Washington, D.C., citing a sudden outbreak of bone spurs that would prevent men and women in uniform from participating.

Harland Dorrinson, a Pentagon spokesman, said that, within an hour of Trump’s request, more than a hundred thousand military personnel complained that they were suffering from acute cases of bone spurs that would make marching in such a parade a painful ordeal.

“In the history of the U.S. military, we have never experienced a bone-spur epidemic of this magnitude,” the spokesman said. “Regrettably, however, we have no choice but to issue thousands of deferments.”
 
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crimsonaudio

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Merciful God Vows To End Humanity Before 'The Princess Bride' Can Be Remade

"Seriously, trying to remake The Princess Bride? What's wrong with you people!"

After the announcement, even atheists were forced to admit that God is truly good to us. "I have finally seen the light," said Richard Dawkins as he repented in tears. "God is not a moral monster -- He is the very standard of goodness, truth, and justice."

Theologians further confirmed that since the invention of acts of mercy, there have only been five that were rated the most gracious, the most merciful. This one left them all behind.
:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

TIDE-HSV

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As Tidewater has pointed out before, in ancient Rome, the firefighters were indeed free enterprise. As your house burned, they would bargain with your over the payment to fight the fire... :)
 
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Elefantman

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As Tidewater has pointed out before, in ancient Rome, the firefighters were indeed free enterprise. As your house burned, they would bargain with your over the payment to fight the fire... :)
When I lived in Philly, one of my coworkers was a former fire chief for a neighborhood fire company. He was telling me about how the manual they used instructed the crew to immediately place a ladder against the burning structure. He never understood why the manual would require this action so he investigated why it existed. Turns out that this was the practice decades ago but now unnecessary. Turns out that back in the day, the fire company that was first to arrive at a fire would place their ladder against the burning building to claim the right to charge the owner for their services.
 

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