The Onion / Babylon Bee / great satire thread

crimsonaudio

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The Onion is one of my all-time favorite sites - they basically invented 9and perfected) the satirical news site and have set the standard for a long time now. I figured I may as well start a thread here where we can post Onion articles that we run across - I'll kick things off with this fantastic one from over 14 years ago:

Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool
 

Catfish

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Re: The Onion thread

From January 17, 2001:

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."


Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street..."
http://www.theonion.com/article/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros-464
 

Jon

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Re: The Onion thread

my favorite that comes to mind quickly

http://www.theonion.com/article/sumerians-look-on-in-confusion-as-god-creates-worl-2879


Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.

"I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."

"Everything is here already," the pictograph continues. "We do not need more stars."
 
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92tide

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Re: The Onion thread

this was one of my favorites

area man passionate defender of what he imagines constitution to be

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
...

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

...
"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."
 

Catfish

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Re: The Onion thread

my favorite that comes to mind quickly

http://www.theonion.com/article/sumerians-look-on-in-confusion-as-god-creates-worl-2879

Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.


"I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."


"Everything is here already," the pictograph continues. "We do not need more stars."
Yeah, but the Sumerians worshiped Gozer and Vinz Clortho, so what do they know?
 

bamachile

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Re: The Onion thread

One of my faves..........

Colt McCoy's Unusually Tragic Boyhood Dream Comes True

"I think every kid, whether he is playing high school football or a pickup game with friends, imagines what it would be like to one day lead your team to the Rose Bowl, stand on the sidelines, and then helplessly watch your team get dismantled on the grandest stage imaginable," said a teary-eyed McCoy...
 

mittman

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Re: The Onion thread

I'll add this. The faux comments are every bit as hilarious as the faux articles.
 

Aledinho

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Re: The Onion thread

Congress Threatens to Leave D.C. Unless New Capitol Is Built

"How many times can you put a fresh coat of paint over an old, broken-down horse?" asked Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), co-chair of the Senate Relocation Subcommittee. "We need a building that befits our status as the nation's number-one democratically elected legislative body. And if D.C. isn't willing to provide that, I can think of plenty of other cities that would be more than happy to."
This one actually got reported by a Chinese Newspaper as a real story. They even refused to print a correction when they were informed it was satire.
 

Aledinho

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Re: The Onion thread

File this one under its funny because its probably true:

Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama

“He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.” According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.
 

AUDub

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Re: The Onion thread

Their 9/11 edition was a finalist for the Pulitzer. I'd post a link, but there are language issues.

I'll never forget the "Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell" headline.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"
 

selmaborntidefan

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Re: The Onion thread

It's not online but there was a book of events like the 60s and it said something like

"Sanford, Son Injured in Watts Riots"

Said that junk dealer Fred G Sanford ran from the house clutching his chest and saying "It's the big one!" The house was totaled with damages approaching $50.
 

crimsonaudio

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Re: The Onion thread

It's not online but there was a book of events like the 60s and it said something like

"Sanford, Son Injured in Watts Riots"

Said that junk dealer Fred G Sanford ran from the house clutching his chest and saying "It's the big one!" The house was totaled with damages approaching $50.
If it's not an Onion report / article, it doesn't belong in this thread.
 

selmaborntidefan

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Re: The Onion thread

It was - it was in a book but I can't find it online. I think the book was called "The Onion: Our Dumb Century."
 

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