FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

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Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away

WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the prospect of unconstitutional overreach by the Trump administration, millions of fearful Americans have already begun stockpiling facts before the federal government comes to take them away, sources confirmed Friday. “I know my rights as an American, so you’d better believe I’m getting my hands on as many facts as possible and keeping them somewhere safe where this First Amendment–hating president of ours can’t snatch them all up,” said Pittsburgh resident David Edelman, 38, adding that he was worried that President Trump planned to not only suspend production of facts, but also seize existing ones, leaving Americans and their families completely defenseless. “The minute I saw Trump, I knew he was someone who didn’t grow up around facts or the kind of folks who use facts. Well, the founding fathers cherished my right to possess facts, and they’d be rolling in their graves if they knew the Feds were going to bust in and try to steal our facts in the middle of the night.” A spokesperson for the Trump administration dismissed such fears, saying that the president merely wanted to keep facts away from certain dangerous people

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BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Lawmakers in Vermont are working to pass a bill that would make it illegal for Catholic priests to use public bathrooms. The measure is aimed at protecting children from molestation.

On Monday, Vermont Governor Peter Shumlin (D) was interviewed by Good Morning America to discuss his support for the bill to “keep pedophiles out of public bathrooms.”

“Common sense,” Shumlin said. “Common decency and all the evidence says that, at this point, and after all that has happened, Catholic priests should stay out of public bathrooms and away from our children.”

Shumlin blasted the Catholic Church, which has gone out of its way to protect pedophile priests from facing justice. Shumlin is asking other Vermonters to join him in boycotting the Catholic Church.

“This is not about being anti-religion. I am totally in favor of people’s religious beliefs. I am not an atheist,” Shumlin said in the interview. “But I don’t want any child molesting priests going into any public bathroom.”

The bill is still in development and other high-risk groups, such as wrestling coaches, may also be banned from using public bathrooms.

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crimsonaudio said:

Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows

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WASHINGTON—Citing today’s announcement that transgender individuals would be banned from serving in any capacity in the United States armed forces, numerous sources within the Trump administration expressed a deep sense of concern Wednesday that the president was burning through minority scapegoats at an unsustainable rate. “I was hoping we’d be able to keep the transgender community in our back pockets for at least another year, but we’re barely six months into the first term and the president goes and wastes that card on military overspending and unpreparedness—we just can’t keep up this kind of pace,”

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WASHINGTON—After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism from Republicans in Congress. "With the host of problems this country is currently facing, the fact that our president is devoting time to the human process of aging is an affront to Americans everywhere," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who advocated a provision to keep Obama 49 at least through the fall of 2013. "To move forward unilaterally and simply begin the next year of his life without bipartisan support—is that any way to lead a country?" According to White House officials, Obama attempted to work with Republicans right up until the Aug. 4 deadline, but was ultimately left with no choice except to turn a year older.

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SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

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“This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

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