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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #66
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    Re: Joke thread

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

    A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: “Hello”

    WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

    MAN: “Yes.”

    WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

    MAN: “How much?”

    WOMAN: “$90,000.”

    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

    WOMAN: “Oh THANKS! I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    The man turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
    "Old dog - new tricks"

  2. #67
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    Re: Joke thread

    Kids.....exploring ancient ruins......

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  3. #68
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  4. #69
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  5. #70
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  6. #71
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    Re: Joke thread

    Priorities......

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  7. #72
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  8. #73
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  9. #74

    Re: Joke thread

    Investment Advice

    On their wedding night, the young bride
    Approached her new husband and asked
    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
    In his highly aroused state,
    Her husband readily agreed
    .
    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    She needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    His employer was going through a process of corporate
    Downsizing, and he had been let go.

    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
    Another position that paid anywhere near what
    He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for more than
    Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    Results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
    'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.
    Oderint dum metuant - Lucius Accius

  10. #75
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  11. #76
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    Re: Joke thread

    "Old dog - new tricks"

  12. #77
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    Re: Joke thread

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  13. #78
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    Re: Joke thread

    Hell explained by Chemistry Student @ University of Washington - Seattle.

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

    Bonus Exam Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
    we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
    the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
    assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
    no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
    let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
    today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member
    of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
    not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
    go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
    the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
    at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
    states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
    stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
    souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
    souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
    increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
    souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
    freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
    Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
    you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
    then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
    exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this
    theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is
    not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
    only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
    explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
    "Old dog - new tricks"

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