Re: Parental views on allowing teens to be in a "serious" relationship in grade schoo
It's a balancing act, and I know it has to be a hard one. You want them to develop wings, but you also don't want them to get hurt learning that. Figuratively speaking, a few bumps and bruises are OK. Sometimes even excellent deterrents to repeat behavior. But at the same time, you can't let your child go headlong into something no-fooling nasty just because, "they have to learn," or because, "they have to know that I trust them."
Your line about trust and freedom being earned is one that should be in every schoolroom, pediatrician's office, school office, parents' bedroom and child's bedroom.
In an earlier post, I mentioned that, at age 15, my experience is that the best parents operate a safety net that the child ideally doesn't even know exists. The child thinks he/she is making decisions on his/her own. What they don't know is that there's an eagle-eye watching to make sure they don't get into something that they're not ready for or that can result in lasting consequences on which do-overs don't exist. The hard part is discerning what they're ready for and what they're not.
It's a shame you had to step in on your daughter's first foray into romance. I know you didn't do it lightly, and am sure that she, and Mrs. Dub, and you are glad you did.
If all parents were as good as you and Mrs. Dub, we'd have little to no need of social services.
Good job, Dub. As I've said before, Mrs. Basket Case and I never had kids. We have, however, had a lot of time to observe what works and what doesn't, and to do so without emotional involvement.Haven't posted much lately. This is a good topic to dive back in on though.
I'm generally ok with relationships being semi-serious. I'm of the opinion that in and around high school is very much the time that your kids are supposed to be figuring this stuff out on their own. I'm not completely hands off though.
It often seems like the MO these days is to treat kids like adults and want to be their friend when your primary role in their life above all others is to be a parent, and being a parent means exercising some degree of control over what they can see, who they can interact with, what they can do, how much freedom they have, etc. And trust and more freedom is earned, not a given. Now, we constantly have to do our best to balance freedom and protection, making sure we're on a progression toward them going off to college and the real world able to navigate on their own once they're out of our protection, but this attitude of teens knowing what they want, how to get it in a healthy way, how to process emotions and grown-up stuff is crazy. They don't know, their brains are still growing in terms of emotional and psychological development and they need guidance and boundaries, not a free for all. You don't shelter them, but you give it to them enough freedom in gradual bits as you help them understand its power and as you see them demonstrate trust and responsibility. It's no different than teaching them to swim as a kid; one day they'll be allowed to jump in the pool when you're not watching them like a hawk, but that takes a few years of supervision.
Unfortunately, my 14 year old’s first entry in the dating pool these last few months did not go well, and I was forced to step in and end it. Long story.
It's a balancing act, and I know it has to be a hard one. You want them to develop wings, but you also don't want them to get hurt learning that. Figuratively speaking, a few bumps and bruises are OK. Sometimes even excellent deterrents to repeat behavior. But at the same time, you can't let your child go headlong into something no-fooling nasty just because, "they have to learn," or because, "they have to know that I trust them."
Your line about trust and freedom being earned is one that should be in every schoolroom, pediatrician's office, school office, parents' bedroom and child's bedroom.
In an earlier post, I mentioned that, at age 15, my experience is that the best parents operate a safety net that the child ideally doesn't even know exists. The child thinks he/she is making decisions on his/her own. What they don't know is that there's an eagle-eye watching to make sure they don't get into something that they're not ready for or that can result in lasting consequences on which do-overs don't exist. The hard part is discerning what they're ready for and what they're not.
It's a shame you had to step in on your daughter's first foray into romance. I know you didn't do it lightly, and am sure that she, and Mrs. Dub, and you are glad you did.
If all parents were as good as you and Mrs. Dub, we'd have little to no need of social services.
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