("Foggy Mountain Breakdown" cue......)
"This is Percy Peabody telling ya, it's time for 'Leonard's Losers'.....with Leonard Post Toasties, the world's greatest football prognosticator. Tell 'em 'bout it, Lenny!"
Leonard:
Well thank ya Percy and HOW-dy, football fans. Another season gets under way tonight and I've spent the last nine months updating and upgrading the little smart pill machine for better output while downloading, downsizing, and thinking hard about which software to use. As they say down at the fire hall, 'Yeah, the far engine is red but you would be too if someone yanked on your hose.' But the season is heah tonight so let's get 'er under way.
Jawja Tech vs Clemson
Geoff Collins and the Humble Bumbles head to Death Valley this week hoping to put the sting on Dabo Swinney's frisky felines, but it'll take more than a swarm to deliver the honey. The defending champs ain't got no beehive, but they'll leave the Yeller and Black Attack as nothing but a Rambling Wreck. Leonard's loser: Jawja Tech.
UCLA vs Cincinnati
Chip Kelly and the Westwood brown bears head east this week for a Wild Kingdom attack on the Ohio River kittens, who would love nothing better than to answer the question, 'Does a bear Chip in the woods?' Luke Fickell and Cincinnati Cats ain't got no bear trap, and there's trouble a-Bruin in the opener. Leonard's Loser: Cincinnati.
Utah vs BYU
Kyle Wittingham and his Salt Lake tribe invade Provo Thirsty night in hopes of a massacre, but they'll have some serious reservations about meeting this group of middle-aged single gals face-to-face. Kalani Sitake and the mountain cats ain't got no reverse gear, but Utah will insist that they prefer it if you "bring 'em young." Leonard's Loser: BYU.
Wisconsin vs South Florida
Paul Chryst and his Madison omnivores enter the Bull ring waving a red flag Friday night, but they bettah watch that ego else they might get gored. Charlie Strong and his Little Horns ain't got no reverse gear, and the matador may leave this one with support under each arm. Leonard's Loser - in an upset - Wisconsin.
Oklahoma State versus Oregon State
Mike Gundy and his Stillwater Pokies ride the range to Reser this weekend, and they'll find a family of Beavers who may just not give a dam. Jonathan Smith and his Corvallis colony ain't got nothing to hide....but they ain't got no defense either against the onslaught of the Wild West. Leonard's Loser: Oregon State.
Duke versus Alabama
David Cutcliffe and his Legion of fallen angels cruise over to Atlanta Sat-dy to face an angry group of Pachyderms, and I can't for the life of me see why this basketball power is on a suicide mission. Nick Saban is overseeing a high protein breakfast - and the afternoon lunch will include this Messiah casting out the devils into a herd of pigs that run right down a hill and drown in the rising tide. Leonard's Loser: Duke.
South Carolina versus North Carolina
Will Muschamp and his angry roosters invade the northern neighbor this weekend, but they'll need a good escape plan or else be running around like chickens with they heads cut off. Mack Brown and his Chapel Hill Tar Heels ain't got no shoes, but they ain't got no Colt McCoy, neither. Leonard's Loser: North Carolina.
Aragun vs Awbun
Gus Malzahn and his orange felines head over to Dallas this weekend for a good old-fashioned duck hunt, but they'll find more than just a few decoys to distract them from the scent. Mario Cristobal and the Quack Attack ain't known for retreating, but they'll likely be calling fowl before it's over. Leonard's Loser - in a close one - Aragun.
I'll be right back after this message from Dear Old Dad.
Jawja vs Vanderbilt
Kirby Smart and the Red Clay Hounds set off on their next national title hunt by first making a stop in Nashville, and he'd better hope his team's tendency to "Jawja" goes into hibernation or gets spayed or neutered. Derek Mason and his Nashville admirals are trying to steady the ship, but it'll take more than desire to overcome the ability deficit. Leonard's Loser: Vandy.
Northwestern vs Stanford
The SAT Bowl gets under way as Pat Fitzgerald and his purple felines take the long trip to the Bay Area in hopes of leaving the Cardinal blue. David Shaw likes the look of his red and white, and the birds hope to leave the kittens black and blue. Leonard's Loser: Northwestern.
Oklahoma vs Houston
Dana Holgorsen and his mountain lions invade Norman this week in hopes of a repeat performance, but it'll take more than just showing their teeth to put a fright in OU. Lincoln Riley and his Sooner Schooner gots themselves a new driver, and before it's over, Houston is gonna know how bad it Hurts. Leonard's Loser: Houston.
Well, that's all for today so until next week - so long neighbors. Get me outta heah Percy.
("Foggy Mountain Breakdown" starts.....)
Percy:
Lennud'll be back next week with anutha bunch 'o losers. TILL then...this is Percy Peabody...hoping you'll be WITH us
