Elderly care - Assisted Living

[Bazza]

I did a search but didn't find a dedicated thread for this topic.....but did find many interesting posts that touched on the subject. Maybe worth looking into if you have the time or interest.

For now - here's a new thread.

Many of us are currently dealing with this. Or have dealt with it. Or will in the future.

We love our parents and elders and it can be very challenging to provide assistance for them as they transition from being independent to dependent.

I only have my Mom left, who was still living in her own home up until her 100th birthday. As much as I tried to keep her in her own home, for various reasons beyond my control, it became unmanageable to do so. So I found a nice assisted living facility here in town, where she's been since April 2023. To Mom's credit...she has accepted her circumstances and is making the most of it.

The cost is $5,200/month. I have Hospice coming in to manage her medical needs and also 3x/week visits for hygienic care. The staff at the facility also help with all this.

Next to having to carry my dogs in to be put asleep...this has been one of the hardest things to deal with in my life. But I have learned a lot. There are many resources available and will be a learning curve for everyone.

Feel free to add to the thread your stories and/or any info on the topic. Thanks!

 

[CB4]

Both of my in-laws living with us have sitter care. The first couple of years it was 6 am to 10 pm coverage. My wife and I would manage them at night. As my FIL dementia advanced, he began to “wander” at night so now we had 24 hour sitter coverage.

My in laws have long term care insurance. But it still only covers about 2/3 of the cost. And the costs for sitters continues escalate while the coverage doesn’t. Between the two of them we continue to spend an additional $100k per year. And it continues to go up.

After pricing and running numbers (and looking long care coverage for assisted living) it could cost about $140k (total) per year to put them in assisted living, of which long term care would cover about $90k. So in essence we are paying a $50-60k premium annually to keep them with us.

The thing most don’t take into consideration is the “demand” (even with 24 hour sitter coverage) placed on my wife and I. Everything we do still must take into consideration circumstances surrounding my in-laws. We can’t even go out to dinner at times without the phone ringing to manage some situation that arises. In five years, my wife and taken ONE trip together (for 3 days to visit my son). My wife’s sisters loved the idea of moving them in with us. However, when “push comes to shove” and we need them to “step in and step up”, they are nowhere to be found (sense my resentment here?). One sister comes up every other week to “visit” a couple of days, basically using our house as her personal “bed and breakfast”.

After a second heart attack in April preceded by five years of chronic stress, trying to work through cardiac rehab, work a 50 hour a week job AND manage my in-laws at end of life while trying to support kids as they begin their families has become too much. I simply told my wife I couldn’t have her flying to Texas or driving two hours to Huntsville every time I turned around to “help with grandchildren” and leave me here working a full time job, doing rehab four mornings a week, AND managing the issues with her parents.

Frankly, five years ago at 59 years old, I felt like I was 50. Today at 64 years old, I feel like I’m 75.

 

[CB4]

Let me add one additional component to our situation: my wife is a “middle child” and thus has lived her life in that “I need to do more than the others to prove I’m worthy” complex. My wife will grind herself into dust when it comes to her parents.

Her parents now are both 91 years old. Her position is “with the decline we’ve seen in the last years, they will not be with us much longer”. My position is “you do not have a crystal ball. You aren’t Nostradamus. We both have seen patients with dementia that continue on physically after the mind has left. They can easily live another 5 years or more”.

At some point the decision for us will need to be made. Do we want to be grandparents and support for our children and their growing families or continue being the surrogate parents to her mother and father?

One last thing: my FIL is a retired physician. He served as medical director for a number of nursing homes and retirement centers in his career. It was almost routine whenever the family got together at holidays to hear my FIL state “We have long term care insurance. When it comes time, we go to assisted living or a retirement home. Don’t you dare move us in to your house. I’ve seen what it does to families. We go to assisted living and you don’t thing twice about it”.

Yet here we are.

 

[Bazza]

-snip-Don’t you dare move us in to your house. I’ve seen what it does to families. We go to assisted living and you don’t thing twice about it”.

Yet here we are.

Thanks for sharing your story and circumstances with us, @CB4.

I only want to re-emphasize what I mentioned yesterday. Your loved ones would NOT want you to suffer because of them.

Just as you wouldn't want your children to suffer because of you.

Ultimately - there's no one size fits all here, unfortunately. So like I also said....it will be different for everyone.

==========

2. If I had been planning ahead more, I would have built a small living quarters in the front of my property, so Mom could live closer - but not under the same roof.

Back during the recession in '08, a house came on the market just 2 doors down that I thought we could swing. Ran it by Mom and her response was "I like where I live now and I like my neighbors. So no thanks."

=========

As I said......this is a very difficult part of life to deal with. But a bit of planning ahead goes a long way.....if you can get everyone on board. Not always easy.

I wish you well, my brother......

 

[CB4]

@Bazza thank you for your input. I’m here because “I’m here” in terms of the situation. Not looking for sympathy. I just believe it is important for people to take a more comprehensive look at the situation beyond the “dollars”. There are other costs* many times we simply don’t consider.

Taking on the responsibility of care for aging parents is child rearing in reverse. As you raise your kids, generally they slowly but surely become more independent. As you care for aging love ones, it is the opposite. A simple task of getting my FIL to shower and shave was “telling him to do it” five years ago. Today it is a 2-3 hour debate. My MIL, wheelchair bound since June of 2019 still insists she can “walk”. The sitters or my wife and I have to constantly monitor their “activity” as she will insist my FIL “help her up”’. And FIL will gladly do it if he isn’t stopped. We had more than one instance where they both ended up in the floor.

We all worry about “will there be enough money to take care of mom and dad at the end of their lives?”. Truthfully that it is the easy part. An excel spreadsheet with dollars in and dollars out. Not many spreadsheets out there to accurately account for the mental, emotional and physical toll on the caregivers.

 

[Con]

My wife and I went through this last year. Bless you all @Bazza and @CB4. Both my wife's parents passed away and we were going crazy getting things set up for my mother in law and she fought us every step of the way. The expense was unreal, but independent living started off very doable. So much so we were surprised. That didn't last long though so we moved her into an assisted living and even that didn't last long.

 

[Bazza]

 

[Toddrn]

View attachment 43247

Nothing wrong with taking a nap at any age.

 

[CB4]

We are beginning to experience the “final leg” of the journey for my father in law. As I mentioned in a previous basketball thread, I haven’t had much time for viewing games this year as my FIL had begun a deeper spiral with his dementia and overall health. His short term memory is all but gone, and long term memory is nothing more than non contextual ramblings. This has led to anxiety, anger, delusions and hallucinations. We are constantly tinkering with meds to keep him manageable.

This past Wednesday he suffered a fall fracturing his pelvis. No surgery but the pain has only exacerbated the breakdown of his mental status. He is now in a psychotic state. Upon evaluation today, it appears is body is shutting down. The decision was made to enter hospice. In the opinion of the hospice physician he has less than three months. He is coming home tonight and will be managed by hospice services.

We are at peace with the decision. I ask for prayers for him to leave this world in peaceful and dignified manner.

 

[Bazza]

Prayers sent @CB4 - hopefully it will happen as you mention.

My Mom passed away in her sleep about 4 days after she fell and fractured her femur. She was in pain until Hospice provided relief.

Hospice is a Godsend...

 

[CB4]

Prayers sent @CB4 - hopefully it will happen as you mention.

My Mom passed away in her sleep about 4 days after she fell and fractured her femur. She was in pain until Hospice provided relief.

Hospice is a Godsend...

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” - 2 Timothy 4:7

My father in law passed this morning at 5:00 a.m., at the age of 92.

As Edwin Stanton remarked with the passing of Abraham Lincoln, “He now belongs to the ages”.

 

[Con]

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” - 2 Timothy 4:7

My father in law passed this morning at 5:00 a.m., at the age of 92.

As Edwin Staton remarked with the passing of Abraham Lincoln, “He now belongs to the ages”.

Sorry for your loss. 92 is a pretty good age to reach.

 

[Padreruf]

Prayers sent @CB4 - hopefully it will happen as you mention.

My Mom passed away in her sleep about 4 days after she fell and fractured her femur. She was in pain until Hospice provided relief.

Hospice is a Godsend...

One of the best acts of my life was to help start a Hospice in SC. They provide "death with dignity" along with pain relief and respite for the family.

 

[Bazza]

Wishing you and yours God's peace, @CB4 !

 

[Bazza]

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” - 2 Timothy 4:7
-snip-

I found this rendition to be powerfully moving. Thoughts of you and yours, my friend......

 

[Ole Man Dan]

I did a search but didn't find a dedicated thread for this topic.....but did find many interesting posts that touched on the subject. Maybe worth looking into if you have the time or interest.

For now - here's a new thread.

Many of us are currently dealing with this. Or have dealt with it. Or will in the future.

We love our parents and elders and it can be very challenging to provide assistance for them as they transition from being independent to dependent.

I only have my Mom left, who was still living in her own home up until her 100th birthday. As much as I tried to keep her in her own home, for various reasons beyond my control, it became unmanageable to do so. So I found a nice assisted living facility here in town, where she's been since April 2023. To Mom's credit...she has accepted her circumstances and is making the most of it.

The cost is $5,200/month. I have Hospice coming in to manage her medical needs and also 3x/week visits for hygienic care. The staff at the facility also help with all this.

Next to having to carry my dogs in to be put asleep...this has been one of the hardest things to deal with in my life. But I have learned a lot. There are many resources available and will be a learning curve for everyone.

Feel free to add to the thread your stories and/or any info on the topic. Thanks!

BTDT. My mom passed away last August. She was 97. She had Dementia for 7 years. Some days my mom knew us, but most of the time she didn't. Before my mom got bad she told us to sell her house, that she wanted to move into a Nursing Home. She refused to move in with us. She sat with her mom 7 years before she passed away. Your stories are heart wrenching. Our story is much like what everyone will have to go thru.

 

[Bazza]

BTDT. My mom passed away last August. She was 97. She had Dementia for 7 years. Some days my mom knew us, but most of the time she didn't. Before my mom got bad she told us to sell her house, that she wanted to move into a Nursing Home. She refused to move in with us. She sat with her mom 7 years before she passed away. Your stories are heart wrenching. Our story is much like what everyone will have to go thru.

Sorry for your loss, Dan.

Mom's are special and sounds like yours was extra special!

Thanks for sharing, my friend....

 

[alabama mike1]

I am dealing with my aged parents now but from almost 500 miles away. Mom (90) had a stroke in November and is almost blind from macular degeneration. Dad (92) injured his back in December and had surgery a few weeks ago at Huntsville Hospital. I make the drive about every 2 weeks now to take them to doctors visits, get medication, grocery shop, clean the house, etc… I have no living siblings so it’s just me. I do have an older first cousin that “tries” to help when she can. It is overwhelming!

I retired in June after 38 years in education, the last 34 in Ohio. My wife, still has to work two more years before she can retire. I have thought of moving home short term to help out my parents and also to move them to where I live. Right now, each decision has its pros and cons. I just want to do what is best for my parents!

 

[Con]

I am dealing with my aged parents now but from almost 500 miles away. Mom (90) had a stroke in November and is almost blind from macular degeneration. Dad (92) injured his back in December and had surgery a few weeks ago at Huntsville Hospital. I make the drive about every 2 weeks now to take them to doctors visits, get medication, grocery shop, clean the house, etc… I have no living siblings so it’s just me. I do have an older first cousin that “tries” to help when she can. It is overwhelming!

I retired in June after 38 years in education, the last 34 in Ohio. My wife, still has to work two more years before she can retire. I have thought of moving home shortly term to help out my parents and also to move them to where I live. Right now, each decision has its pros and cons. I just want to do what is best for my parents!

Praying for you man. No decision is easy when it comes to your aging parents.