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Gift Giving (Receiving) And The Need To Reciprocate

ValuJet

ValuJet

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Sep 28, 2000
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My only sibling is a sister who's three years older, but our birthdays are a week apart. Forever and until just a couple of years ago, I would always send her flowers or a gift card (for a restaurant, an American Express gift card, whatever). A week later on my birthday I would always get something in return, which was nice.

A few years ago it began to occur to me that the gifts I was receiving in return were of identical value. If I sent something valued at $50, my return gift was for $50. If it was for $100, I'd get something a week later worth $100.

So two or three years ago I tried something different - just as a test. I only sent a birthday card with no additional gift. Sure enough, a week later in the mail I got a card - and nothing more. So the last couple of years that's what we've done for each other. :biggrin2:

Maybe this is normal, I don't know. It makes me feel like I have to set the dollar amount, or set the tone to be a cheapskate - just because my birthday is a week earlier. This is not something I lose sleep over; I am satisfied with the card because then she doesn't feel obligated to go out and spend money on me for something I don't need.

Anyone ever experienced this with a friend or family member?
 
Either one or both of you are giving out of some sense of obligation. But to answer your question. Yes, I used to feel pressure to give someone (for example) a Christmas gift if I unexpectedly received one from them.

I don't do that anymore. If someone who I normally do not exchange gifts with gives me a gift I don't go out and buy them something. I assume that is not why they bought me a gift to begin with.


ValuJet said:
My only sibling is a sister who's three years older, but our birthdays are a week apart. Forever and until just a couple of years ago, I would always send her flowers or a gift card (for a restaurant, an American Express gift card, whatever). A week later on my birthday I would always get something in return, which was nice.

A few years ago it began to occur to me that the gifts I was receiving in return were of identical value. If I sent something valued at $50, my return gift was for $50. If it was for $100, I'd get something a week later worth $100.

So two or three years ago I tried something different - just as a test. I only sent a birthday card with no additional gift. Sure enough, a week later in the mail I got a card - and nothing more. So the last couple of years that's what we've done for each other. :biggrin2:

Maybe this is normal, I don't know. It makes me feel like I have to set the dollar amount, or set the tone to be a cheapskate - just because my birthday is a week earlier. This is not something I lose sleep over; I am satisfied with the card because then she doesn't feel obligated to go out and spend money on me for something I don't need.

Anyone ever experienced this with a friend or family member?
Click to expand...
 
Bamabuzzard said:
Either one or both of you are giving out of some sense of obligation.
Click to expand...

BB, you are exactly right - well said. I have seen this done with wedding gifts and that sort of thing. I gave a friend of mine who got married years ago a nice cash gift and he and his wife tried to return it, and I felt it was out of a sense of them feeling an obligation to somehow reciprocate.

The reason I said I don't lose sleep over it is because if a family member or close friend needed something and I could help, I would and no questions asked. That is worth much more, hopefully than a silly birthday gift.
 
Sort of similar situation:

Both of my parents and their siblings set the standard on presents years ago. For graduates, $50 would be the gift. At Christmas, gifts were maxed at $25. That way no one can say a nephew got more from them than their child got from an Aunt or Uncle.
 
We've adopted something very similar on both sides of our family. It shouldn't be this way but it is. It shouldn't matter whether the person who gave you something gave you something of similar value. But it does. No matter how "righteous" someone says they are it matters to most people. One of the biggest fights on my wife's side of the family happened over something like this.

My brother in law's ex wife (<---thank goodness she's gone) got absolutely irate because she'd go out and spend $40+ dollars on each niece and nephew yet her kids would not get the same "value" of gifts. Unfortunately not everyone in the family had the money to go out and buy five or six gifts in this price range. So we set a ceiling of $25 and was done with it. Ticked her off. I'm just glad the hussy is out of the family. Other than that I'm very fond of her. :biggrin2:


RTR91 said:
Sort of similar situation:

Both of my parents and their siblings set the standard on presents years ago. For graduates, $50 would be the gift. At Christmas, gifts were maxed at $25. That way no one can say a nephew got more from them than their child got from an Aunt or Uncle.
Click to expand...
 
VJ, from the thread title, I was expecting a story about men and women ... just not related ones, by blood anyway
 
I used work with a gal that stopped on the way home Valentines Day to get her husband a card. She went around the aisle and there was her husband buying her a card. That was the end for them on the Valentine presents.
My wife's birthday is a week after Christmas (jan 2). She doesn't care for a gift bit I make sure the Christmas stuff is down and always get her a cake.
 
My wife and I have pretty much just stopped giving presents altogether - at least to each other. We'll still do presents for the smaller kids at Christmas and graduation presents fire friends and family but not overkill.

The way we look at it, especially in regards to each other, is that gift giving is superfluous and completely unnecessary. We pretty much have everything we personally need, after all. And if there's something we really want during the year we address those things as they come along. It got to where Christmas and Birthday present shopping was more or less struggling to find something that the other person was least likely to stick in the back of the closet within a week.

What we do now, in lieu of buying anything for each other, is to "adopt" a few kids and/or elderly individuals at Christmas since they certainly do need things. And we've managed to get most of our close friends and immediate family on board with it, too; they don't expect gifts from us and will often contribute themselves.

Fir us, it's actually much more rewarding and also feels much less irresponsible and selfish than when we were buying presents for each other, since we're buying things for people who actually need them.

Sent from my HTC Droid DNA using Tapatalk 2
 
Me and my brothers (and my sister in laws) decided this year that we would stop buying Christmas or birthday gifts for each other. I don't even want a card (I think they are a waste of money). I would get my brothers a gift card. They would give me a gift card. It became pointless.
 
uafan4life said:
My wife and I have pretty much just stopped giving presents altogether - at least to each other. We'll still do presents for the smaller kids at Christmas and graduation presents fire friends and family but not overkill.

The way we look at it, especially in regards to each other, is that gift giving is superfluous and completely unnecessary. We pretty much have everything we personally need, after all. And if there's something we really want during the year we address those things as they come along. It got to where Christmas and Birthday present shopping was more or less struggling to find something that the other person was least likely to stick in the back of the closet within a week.

What we do now, in lieu of buying anything for each other, is to "adopt" a few kids and/or elderly individuals at Christmas since they certainly do need things. And we've managed to get most of our close friends and immediate family on board with it, too; they don't expect gifts from us and will often contribute themselves.

Fir us, it's actually much more rewarding and also feels much less irresponsible and selfish than when we were buying presents for each other, since we're buying things for people who actually need them.

Sent from my HTC Droid DNA using Tapatalk 2
Click to expand...

I love doing this. I always sponsor a child's Christmas list from Kids to Love, and an elderly through Be A Santa To A Senior. I cannot wait till this year when I hopefully can do more for them since I will just have to buy fo my parents and nephews.
 
My memory isn't good enough to support this sort of angst. I just give a gift and sometimes get one. I don't know how everyone else feels about the deal, but I'm pretty happy.
 
Here's one for you VJ. Recently my cousin graduated HS. Our gift to her was $50 and a nice card. I'm not sure if "Thank you" notes are still "in" or not but we didn't get one from her. Recently we saw her and I (just for conversation and also jokingly) asked had she already blown that $50 bill. She said "Yeah, that's been gone."..........and never mentioned a word of "Thank you" or appreciation.

I guess it maybe more of a woman thing because I didn't pick up on it. My wife (after we had left) was the one that brought it to my attention that we never received a "Thank You" card and she didn't bother to even give a "Thank you for the gift" when we saw her in person. I just told her "Kids these days". LOL!
 
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When my cousin's daughter got married last year, my Mom and Dad gave the happy couple a nice sized check. I bet I heard my parents say a dozen times that they had cashed the check and never even sent out a Thank You card or phoned to say Thanks.

We bought them some small token and I figured it wouldn't be acknowledged - and it wasn't.

Mrs. VJ has the same issue with her assorted nieces and nephews. So much that I encourage her just to send a card from Dollar Tree and nothing else; that way her feelers won't be hurt.
 
It didn't bother me because I knew that odds are she'd never send a thank you card or call to tell us thank you. That's the fruits of being raised that you're the center of the universe.

I agree on the Dollar Tree card. I think a part of me gave out of obligation because she sent us a nice graduation card. But all it was was to get a monetary gift.....and it worked.


ValuJet said:
When my cousin's daughter got married last year, my Mom and Dad gave the happy couple a nice sized check. I bet I heard my parents say a dozen times that they had cashed the check and never even sent out a Thank You card or phoned to say Thanks.

We bought them some small token and I figured it wouldn't be acknowledged - and it wasn't.

Mrs. VJ has the same issue with her assorted nieces and nephews. So much that I encourage her just to send a card from Dollar Tree and nothing else; that way her feelers won't be hurt.
Click to expand...
 
ValuJet said:
When my cousin's daughter got married last year, my Mom and Dad gave the happy couple a nice sized check. I bet I heard my parents say a dozen times that they had cashed the check and never even sent out a Thank You card or phoned to say Thanks.

We bought them some small token and I figured it wouldn't be acknowledged - and it wasn't.

Mrs. VJ has the same issue with her assorted nieces and nephews. So much that I encourage her just to send a card from Dollar Tree and nothing else; that way her feelers won't be hurt.
Click to expand...

Maybe send a box of thank you cards and a book on courtesy.

Side rant. People not RSVP ing anymore. Our daughter's birthday parties are always a crap shoot. School required that if we sent out Bday invitations, that we had to send them to the whole class, so we didn't have phone numbers to call the parents. She was having her party at one of those kids places (kinda like a chucky cheese) so we included the Please RSVP so we would know what size package to order. One person called, 14 showed up, so we ended up having to buy a bigger package at the last minute. Common courtesy just isn't too common these days.
 
G-VilleTider said:
Maybe send a box of thank you cards and a book on courtesy.

Side rant. People not RSVP ing anymore. Our daughter's birthday parties are always a crap shoot. School required that if we sent out Bday invitations, that we had to send them to the whole class, so we didn't have phone numbers to call the parents. She was having her party at one of those kids places (kinda like a chucky cheese) so we included the Please RSVP so we would know what size package to order. One person called, 14 showed up, so we ended up having to buy a bigger package at the last minute. Common courtesy just isn't too common these days.
Click to expand...

We have the same problem with our kids. Two years ago we had the reverse problem. My daughter handed out like 20 invites with RSVP. Roughly 17-18 RSVP'd. We had a party at the house with a blow up "air walk" and went and bought pizza at Little Ceasars. We also have to plan on how much we're buying around the adults as well. Five showed up..... :mad2: Talked about ticked off. I was ticked off. Here we had all this pizza, cake, ice cream and drinks and only five show up. :mad2:
 
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Got a story to go along with this topic.

A high school friend moved right after graduating high school. She moved to college while her parents moved because of her dad's job. She graduated from college in May. Last summer, her parents moved again. When she (well, her mom) sent out her graduation invitations, the return address was her parents' address. My girlfriend's mom sent her a check in April. First, there's been no thank you note, which caused some wondering about her receiving the check. Second, my girlfriend's dad checked the bank account and saw no sign of activity on the check.

My girlfriend texted her yesterday to see if she got the check. Her response: "My mom thinks it may be in my boxes back in North Carolina." She's going to graduate school in North Carolina, which is why boxes would be there. The kicker here: the check was sent to her parents' house in Las Vegas.

Not only is there no thank you note, there's no knowledge of where the check is.
 
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