Joke thread - including cartoons, memes, and misc.

Bazza

Hall of Fame
Oct 1, 2011
24,133
1,088
173
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead . But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it; so please, don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green, for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
 

Bazza

Hall of Fame
Oct 1, 2011
24,133
1,088
173
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
At breakfast a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."
 

crimsonaudio

Administrator
Staff member
Sep 9, 2002
44,854
2,044
348
crimsonaudio.net
The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.


Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem ....ed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh crap” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 

Bazza

Hall of Fame
Oct 1, 2011
24,133
1,088
173
New Smyrna Beach, Florida
A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can
help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it
around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman
sleeps soundly.

In the morning the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into
the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet he sees a blue ribbon
attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the
bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we
were or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place."
 

crimson fan man

All-American
Aug 12, 2002
4,833
30
58
Athens Al
The other day my wife was complaining about the size of her breast saying they were not big enough for the style of clothes made today. I told her if she wanted bigger breast gets some toilet paper and rub it between them.She ask me what does it do and my remark was I don't know but it did wonders for your butt.
 

seebell

Hall of Fame
Mar 12, 2012
9,327
74
63
Gurley, Al
The other day my wife was complaining about the size of her breast saying they were not big enough for the style of clothes made today. I told her if she wanted bigger breast gets some toilet paper and rub it between them.She ask me what does it do and my remark was I don't know but it did wonders for your butt.
You out of the hospital yet!!:eek:
 

TrueCrimson7

All-American
Sep 21, 2014
2,446
41
58
Near Charlotte, NC
I was eating at a Japanese hibachi-style restaurant last evening when three very large women came in, sat beside me, and began talking among themselves. Having spent a summer in Europe after college, I believed I recognized their accents. "Excuse me," I whispered to the one sitting closest to me, "Are you three ladies from Scotland?". "It's Wales," she said rather curtly. Having been rebuked for my mistake and not wanting to disrupt this rather unpleasant woman again, I asked more loudly so that the others could hear, "Excuse me, but are you three whales from Scotland?". That's the last thing I remember.