Thoughts on "Thank You" notes and their place in today's culture

[Bamabuzzard]

When I was a kid I was taught that sending "Thank You" notes for gifts I received on certain occasions was a big deal, and not sending one was even a bigger deal. So when I graduated HS, college, then got married, I made it a point to send "Thank You" cards to everyone who took the time and money to give me a gift. Now that I'm of age to be on the other end of these events, I'm noticing "Thank You" cards are hit and miss and many times nonexistent. But it seems (and I may be wrong on this) "today" sending "Thank You" cards isn't as big of a deal as it used to be. I say that because over recent years we've sent graduations gifts and wedding gifts to many different people in different social circles and I can count on one hand how many "Thank You" cards we received.

My parents (specifically my mom) has noticed the same thing, she recently said they've now gotten to the point of not even thinking about it, that "times have changed since we were that age" and it must not be that big of a deal anymore. Has anyone else experienced or noticed this?

 

[4Q Basket Case]

Absolutely, even from recipients who I know for a 100% fact were not raised that way. Sent a wedding present to the child of a longtime friend, whose wife is in the development (read: fundraising) function of a major university.

Nothing.

Asked if the child (the bride, if that matters) got the gift. Yes, and uses it every day. No response.

The only ones I get a response from are my sister’s children, now in their late 20s / early 30s, with children of their own. They even write notes for their children up to the point that they can do their own — usually 5-6 years old. Especially when the handwriting is still shaky and the spelling still uncertain, getting those from the youngsters does my heart good.

I’ve been called an anachronism more than once (and on some topics, the message has been delivered in sometimes far less flattering phrasing), but regarding thank you notes, I still hand-write them anyway.

Occasionally, I’ll write random unsolicited notes to close friends letting them know how important they’ve been to me over the years. You’d be amazed at some of the responses – some are joyous, almost to the point of tears. Of course, some get no response at all.

If that makes me a card-carrying member of the OFC, well, so be it.

 

[Elefantman]

I guess the modern equivalent of a thank you card is a text consisting of two or three emojis.

 

[Bamabuzzard]

My wife and I sent my cousin and his wife a wedding gift five or six years ago and didn't get one. What made it worse for me was he's not a "distant" cousin who I rarely saw over the years and he was 30 years old when he got married, so "youth" wasn't the problem. We weren't the only ones who didn't get one from his wedding, my parents, my aunts, and uncles didn't either. My mom, who is his mom's older sister, called her and asked if he'd gotten the gift they'd given, and very similar to your below response, was told they had received the gift.

Absolutely, even from recipients who I know for a 100% fact were not raised that way. Sent a wedding present to the child of a longtime friend, whose wife is in the development (read: fundraising) function of a major university.

Nothing.

Asked if the child (the bride, if that matters) got the gift. Yes, and uses it every day. No response.

The only ones I get a response from are my sister’s children, now in their late 20s / early 30s, with children of their own. They even write notes for their children up to the point that they can do their own — usually 5-6 years old. Especially when the handwriting is still shaky and the spelling still uncertain, getting those from the youngsters does my heart good.

I’ve been called an anachronism more than once (and on some topics, the concept has been delivered in less flattering phrasing), but regarding thank you notes, I still hand-write them anyway.

Occasionally, I’ll write random unsolicited notes to close friends letting them know how important they’ve been to me over the years. You’d be amazed at some of the responses – some are joyous, almost to the point of tears. Of course, some get no response at all.

If that makes me a card-carrying member of the OFC, well, so be it.

 

[B1GTide]

Social media is changing the world. As long as I know that my gift or attendance was appreciated, I am more than satisfied. I don't need a card that will just end up in a landfill.

 

[Bamabuzzard]

Social media is changing the world. As long as I know that my gift or attendance was appreciated, I am more than satisfied. I don't need a card that will just end up in a landfill.

Are you referring to a "digital" thank you via social media (ex. Facebook post), regardless if it is personal or corporate?

 

[B1GTide]

Are you referring to a "digital" thank you via social media (ex. Facebook post), regardless if it is personal or corporate?

Not really - just the way that social media has virtually eliminated formalized writing. It started with the advent of the phone, then went further with the advent of the cell phone. We no longer write letters, and fewer and fewer greeting cards of any kind are sent today than ever before. Our mediums of communication are changing.

It is not a sign of disrespect - just change.

 

[GrayTide]

Some people of a certain age, and you know who you are, still send thank you notes, get well cards, sympathy cards, and Christmas cards. I agree with B1G, it is not a sign of disrespect, but the cell phone, social media, and text messages have just about put card production out of business, much like the print media. Change happens and in some instances it takes the personal touch out of correspondence.

 

[Bamabuzzard]

Not really - just the way that social media has virtually eliminated formalized writing. It started with the advent of the phone, then went further with the advent of the cell phone. We no longer write letters, and fewer and fewer greeting cards of any kind are sent today than ever before. Our mediums of communication are changing.

It is not a sign of disrespect - just change.

Completely agree with all of this, assuming this is how the acknowledgment took place. But what I'm talking about is no acknowledgement at all, whether by message in a bottle, thank you cards, phones, social media, text messages etc.

*I also realized I completely miscommunicated my thought process by limiting it to "Thank You" cards rather than a "thanks" or acknowledgement in general, regardless of means of communication.*

The means of how we show appreciation has definitely changed, as expected with advancements in communication. But have we gotten to the point where no "thank you" at all has gone by the wayside, regardless of means of communication?

 

[Bazza]

I think it all depends on how much of a "traditionalist" one is.

I love tradition, myself. And I keep and send "Thank You" cards as a way of telling someone how much I appreciate them and what they do/did.

I totally get that others do not/will not do this - and I don't hold it against them.

Also, for anyone who gets their mail every day - how cool is it when you get a letter or card from a friend - as opposed to all the other BS that you get?

I mean...that's what it's all about. Taking care of someone - who took care of YOU!

 

[Toddrn]

If someone takes the time to go out of their way to send you a gift, you should have the decency to send them a thank you card. It's not that times have changed. It's that people have become lazy and entitled. When my daughter got married I made sure that she understood this. We also made sure that the RSVP to the wedding had a stamp on the return envelope. That is another thing people have stopped doing.

 

[4Q Basket Case]

If someone takes the time to go out of their way to send you a gift, you should have the decency to send them a thank you card. It's not that times have changed. It's that people have become lazy and entitled. When my daughter got married I made sure that she understood this. We also made sure that the RSVP to the wedding had a stamp on the return envelope. That is another thing people have stopped doing.

Unfortunately, I think this is the case. If the means of sending an acknowledgement and thanks had changed, but not the desire and common practice of conveying those thoughts, I'd still prefer the written form, but I'd be a lot less put out.

If you receive a gift, especially one to which the giver has obviously given thought and customized it to you, you should at the very least acknowledge it -- even if it's a text or email.

God forbid it be as personal as a phone call or an awkward in-person verbal expression, accompanied by a yucky hug. And what's this thank-you note thing you're talking about?

But no "Thank you." No, "It didn't fit so I returned it." No, "I donated it." No, "It was stupid and went straight to the trash can." Not even a text with the poop or middle finger emoji? No nothing at all? Really?

Look, I don't give gifts with the expectation that the recipient will grovel at my feet. But I don't like being taken for granted, either.

So if I get the impression that the recipient feels like I'm the one obligated to honor them, (as happens lately with increasing frequency), my response is to shift from nice thought-involved gifts to cards -- without checks or cash enclosed....something that has never required a formal acknowledgement.

I'll expend time thinking about how best to spend my money, on people who at least let me know how they felt about it. The others? They clearly don't care, so why should I?

And for the record, when Mrs. Basket Case and I got married back in the dark ages of 1988, we split the thank-you duties. If I or my family was responsible for inviting the person or couple to the wedding, I wrote the note.....by hand in my chicken-scratch handwriting. She did the same thing on her side.

 

[B1GTide]

And for the record, when Mrs. Basket Case and I got married, we split the thank-you duties. If I or my family was responsible for inviting the person or couple to the wedding, I wrote the note.....by hand in my chicken-scratch handwriting. She did the same thing on her side.

We did the same, and each note was a short letter talking about how great it was to see them and how thankful we were for their presence and gift. But consider how much weddings have changed in the decades since then. Couples now tell you what they want (registries) and many no longer send out printed invitations (web services now handle most of that).

My wife and I still send thank you cards, but none of the kids in our childrens' generation does. They make phone calls instead. In a way it is even more personal because you actually have a conversation with the people. But it is a lot less formal.

 

[4Q Basket Case]

We did the same, and each note was a short letter talking about how great it was to see them and how thankful we were for their presence and gift. But consider how much weddings have changed in the decades since then. Couples now tell you what they want (registries) and many no longer send out printed invitations (web services now handle most of that).

My wife and I still send thank you cards, but none of the kids in our childrens' generation does. They make phone calls instead. In a way it is even more personal because you actually have a conversation with the people. But it is a lot less formal.

We had registries, too. But it was at more formal shops that sold china (formal and everyday) and tableware (both sterling silver and stainless steel). Maybe a kitchenware / foodie place like Williams Sonoma.

At that time, couples didn't typically register at Crate & Barrell or Pottery Barn or similar.

But you're right...times do change, and that's a change that doesn't bother me. People entertain formally far less than we did back in the day, and truth be told we didn't pull out the formal china and sterling all that much. So registries at more casual places actually make sense.

Regarding acknowledgment....a phone call would be different from what our generation did, but I can accept the change. It's the lack of any acknowledgement at all that is increasingly frequent and does chap my cheeks.

 

[B1GTide]

It's the lack of any acknowledgement at all that is increasingly frequent and does chap my cheeks.

I think that would bother me, too. Thankfully I only think so because I have never experienced this.

 

[edwd58]

It's the lack of any acknowledgement at all that is increasingly frequent and does chap my cheeks.

Personally, I don't have much right to be offended because I, for certain, would not have been the one from our family to have sent a gift in the first place - ha! My wife, a retired school teacher, receives countless graduation/wedding/birth invitations/announcements every year and never fails to send something. In today's world many gifts are bought online and sent from or by 3rd party vendors and delivered by yet another, leaving the sender to hope the gift actually arrives. She says she is only offended in the situation quoted above as a phone call, a text, an email, a thank you only takes a moment to accomplish and means so much to the "gifter."

 

[GrayTide]

Things I don't like, "Save the Date" announcements. In the old days, you rarely called long distance to thank someone on a land line, it was cost prohibitive. Now with cells phones calling long distance is common place.

 

[Bamabuzzard]

I guess

We had registries, too. But it was at more formal shops that sold china (formal and everyday) and tableware (both sterling silver and stainless steel). Maybe a kitchenware / foodie place like Williams Sonoma.

At that time, couples didn't typically register at Crate & Barrell or Pottery Barn or similar.

But you're right...times do change, and that's a change that doesn't bother me. People entertain formally far less than we did back in the day, and truth be told we didn't pull out the formal china and sterling all that much. So registries at more casual places actually make sense.

Regarding acknowledgment....a phone call would be different from what our generation did, but I can accept the change. It's the lack of any acknowledgment at all that is increasingly frequent and does chap my cheeks.

Agreed, and the main reason it does "chap cheeks" is that these occasions aren't for mere acquaintances, total strangers, or fifth cousins twigh-sst removed. They are normally for people who are relatively close family members, friends, or children of friends that we know on a personal level. So to not acknowledge someone's attendance and/or gift, conveys a lack of appreciation for the people to who they felt was worthy enough to send an invitation to....or was the invitation simply to elicit a gift? LOL! Hmmm...

 

[alabama mike1]

IMO, it is always appropriate to send a thank you note or at the very least acknowledge receiving a gift.