Anyone a Stepparent?

[PacadermaTideUs]

From my experience (over five years in now), it seems like there are some very unique challenges that are nearly impossible to relate to someone who hasn't been in the position. For example, I am often made to feel like a third wheel or second-rate family member behind the core biological unit, and when I explain this too my wife, she can't seem to grasp it or understand why. She claims it's all in my head - and I suppose it may be - but nonetheless, perceptions need to be dealt with and addressed.

So, would any other stepparents like to share experiences, good and bad? Difficulties, and how you resolved them?

 

[happytidefan]

I am and my husband is.

From my view: It ticks me off when we get thank you cards addressed to Mr. Happytidefan thanking him for gifts that Mrs. Happytidefan chose and bought and sent to Mr. Happytidefan's child. It ticks me off when I am left out of phone messages "this message is for 'Mr. Happytidefan'....." wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving.

From his view: It does not phase Mr. Happytidefan when we gets messages from Mrs. Happytidefan's grown children that say "Happy Thanksgiving to mom and dad." "I am so thankful to have you for parents." But it sends him into space when we get messages "I need........."

Go figure. Appears you can't have it both ways.

When you figure it out, let me know.

 

[JBama_in_PCOLA]

From my experience (over five years in now), it seems like there are some very unique challenges that are nearly impossible to relate to someone who hasn't been in the position. For example, I am often made to feel like a third wheel or second-rate family member behind the core biological unit, and when I explain this too my wife, she can't seem to grasp it or understand why. She claims it's all in my head - and I suppose it may be - but nonetheless, perceptions need to be dealt with and addressed.

So, would any other stepparents like to share experiences, good and bad? Difficulties, and how you resolved them?

I know where you are coming from. Luckily for me, and thank God above, my word is law. And the family as a whole is better for it. I'll be praying for you man.


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[SavannahDare]

I don't envy you and I hope to never have to pull that duty. It's got to be excruciatingly hard to parent someone else's child. Thank God for those of you who do it and do it well.

 

[willie52]

I have been for the last 28 years and it has been both a curse and a blessing. I think the hardest part at the beginning was the my child/your child thing. Learning to allow the spouse to discipline her/his children was a major hurdle to overcome. It took a long time and a lot of patience in my case and worse than that I don't have much patience. We never had a problem loving any of the children so that has never been a problem and thank god almighty we didn't have interference from the ex's with the exception of mine for a short time. You have to try and treat each the same but at times that is almost unbearable, especially when you get the "you're not my dad". I heard that once and that's all it took for me to say "you can always pack your bags and go live with your father and that's a one way ticket", hell, I said the same thing to my kids about their mother. Another thing I think helped is that I never bad mouthed their other parent. All are grown now and look back at their actions and ask us how we did it. Short story, stepdaughter would not clean her room (she was 18 at the time and still living with us) and kept pushing back when I told her to. I told her to get the hell out to the house and she did. Today she says she wished she would have cleaned her room and thanks me all the time for being a dad and not just a sperm donor. I love all my kids.

 

[JBama_in_PCOLA]

Well my wife's word is law, but she lets me pay the bills. She a crazy Latina...


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[Crimson1967]

. Today she says she wished she would have cleaned her room and thanks me all the time for being a dad and not just a sperm donor. I love all my kids.

Sounds like she learned a lot more from not cleaning it. Glad you raised a good family.

I'm not a stepparent, I can imagine it is a real touchy situation.

 

[PacadermaTideUs]

Thanks for all the feedback.

In my case, I came into my kids' life when they were already teens - son was 13, daughter was 16. They're now 19 and 22 respectively, both recently moved back into the house.

Their bio father is not at all in their lives and really never has been. So in my case, it hasn't really been a situation where I have to compete with a real person as a head of household, or deal with non-custodial parental interference. Maybe worse, I compete against what they imagine their bio father must be like.

It's mainly been a situation where they were alone with their mother like the three musketeers for so long, and I came into their lives at such a late stage, after they were already in their turbulent (and rebellious) teens, that they've been extremely resistant to accepting someone else in their lives in a parental role.

Early on, they seemed to make an effort to include me into the three musketeers, but that pretty much lasted until the first or second time that I acted more like a father than a peer. JBama, I remember the first time I got the "You're not my father!" treatment. Can't tell you how much that hurt.

They never warmed toward me enough to come to me about things - always run to their mother. She's been good about trying to redirect them to me, but they never would, even though I always tried to let them know that I was interested in their lives.

And here lately, since they moved out for awhile and got a little independence and confidence, then floundered (as young people often do, myself included) and moved back in, they've been almost downright disdainful toward me, as opposed to simply disrespectful, even though they're living under my roof and I'm paying their bills.

I guess I just feel very unappreciated and unaccepted by the rest of the family, in my own home (that I provide). Like it's mainly them - the three of them, and then there's me. And I'm not sure if there even is a way to fix it, much less how.

 

[cbi1972]

At 19 and 22, they may have some maturing to do before they appreciate you properly. Also, you might need to do make connections with them in ways that don't include their mother, so that you're not regarded merely as an accessory to her. This may be more difficult now that they are older, but not impossible. I say this as a two-time stepson, with one stepmother who was like a second mother growing up, and with another one who I don't have much in common with as an adult.

 

[willie52]

Hey PAC,

Don't give up the fight. If they have never had a father figure in their lives then they can't be expected to deal with how a father acts. My kids all run to momma except when they need their house worked on or their computer fixed. Mainly it's because they know momma is more sympathetic about things than I am. I think the most important thing to do is talk with your wife and see how she feels about the situation or if she even recognizes what is going on. Even if it is you feeling that way, it is a part of the whole process of making the marriage work. We have had our share of fights over the yours and mine syndrome as i call it. There will come a time when your wife will take your side instead, at least mine did and that helps.