Mike this is very admirable and I applaud you for it. I’m in a similar situation to the one you are in or soon may be. Just a little “free advice”.I am not planning on my parents spending a day in a nursing home if I am physically able to care for them. They have been married almost 71 years and have lived in two houses during that time. There is no way they are moving to Ohio and I do not blame them one bit.
Mike, I would caution against playing things “too far forward” in terms of what you will do as it relates to the care of your parents as they continue on this journey. It can become emotionally compromising at times.
Our story: when Covid hit in March of 2020, we had a decision to make. My wife’s parent (both age 86 at time and married since age 19) had daily home care visits. Both were experiencing the beginning stages of dementia and my mother in law was confined to a wheel after fracturing a hip in June of 2019. Sending them to a retirement center, assisted living or a nursing home was out of the question with all the unknowns with Covid. We couldn’t have continued home care visits because of risk from what the caregivers may expose them to. So we moved them in with us. And much the same as you have stated, the goal was “they are with us until the Lord calls them home”.
So from an “emotional” standpoint we went “all in” at the jump. And now four and half years later as the dementia continues to take its toll, it has also taken its toll on my both of us as well. We have both “aged” easily 10 years in the last five years. We also now have three grandchildren under the age of three added to the mix, so it is truly a “generational sandwich” situation.
Our problem is this: it is becoming clear to us the care they may need as the end nears is something we nor the caregivers can effectively manage here. Thus we are often in this self imposed game of emotional tug of war between what we had mentally committed to do versus what reality brings.
The other consideration with it is what will be left of you and your spouse at the end of it all? I love my in-laws as much if not more than my own parents. But Mike, you are married to your wife (I’ve been with mine 38 years in August). There has to be something “left in the tank” for the two of you when it is all said in done.This is conversation my wife and I have more frequently. At some point we cannot be the “end all, be all” for her parents. It is a tremendously altruistic and admirable notion. However there must some self preservation built into it. This is something my wife nor I did.
We have been blessed to have her parents with us these past years. However it can be a double edged sword. My advice is simply this: frequent checkpoints with spouse and establish clear communications where you both stand, physically and emotionally. And take things as they come. Try to stay away from backing yourself in an “emotional corner” that may be difficult to extract yourself from.
My prayers are with you.
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