Where do you (and your spouse) stand on lunch with co-worker of the opposite gender?

[Bamabuzzard]

This topic has come up in our office off and on in the past several years and I wanted to present it to the good people of Tidefans. The topic of you or your spouse going to lunch with another co-worker of the opposite sex.

To ensure proper context I don't mean a "working lunch" where you/or your spouse goes to the employee cafeteria with the co-worker to look over reports for an upcoming meeting that day. The lunch has nothing to do with work, it's just a casual lunch off the property, during work hours, with just the two people. Personally, my wife and I have always agreed this is off base for both of us and neither one of us feels comfortable doing it ourselves or the other one doing it. It's something we both have always seen eye to eye on. Over our working career, we've both been in situations where a co-worker of the opposite sex has asked either her or myself to go to lunch and we simply have to either make up an excuse or decline and explain why. We've done both over the years with mixed responses.

Recently this topic came up in our office and as you'd expect, there were different views, some said it wasn't a big deal in their relationship, and they and their spouse commonly go to lunch (one-on-one) with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Then, as my wife and I do, there were a few who said that was off-limits in their relationship. It didn't get heated or anything, but it turned into an intriguing conversation among the group with things being said like "It just means y'all don't trust each other", "you're opening yourself up to something starting", etc.

Thoughts?

 

[4Q Basket Case]

Mrs. Basket Case and I just celebrated our 35th anniversary. We’re both retired now. But in our working days, neither of us had a problem with the other having a lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex.

Of course, if it became multiple times a week and/or longer than a regular workday lunch, we’d probably have felt differently. We were both cognizant of how it would look, both to each other and to others in the workplace, and never had a problem.

 

[BamaNation]

Mrs. Basket Case and I just celebrated our 35th anniversary. We’re both retired now. But in our working days, neither of us had a problem with the other having a lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex.

Of course, if it became multiple times a week and/or longer than a regular workday lunch, we’d probably have felt differently. We were both cognizant of how it would look, both to each other and to others in the workplace, and never had a problem.

This is our general view as well (28 yrs married). When Mrs. BN was with a Big 4 accounting firm (for 15+ years), if she never had lunch with males, she would have never had any influence whatsoever. We've known a few senior leader male colleagues who were adamant that they not have lunch with females b/c their wives disapproved and of course that just meant the females on their teams were limited in building relationships.

It all goes to a matter of trust and professional norms, I think. Certainly, it's something that should be discussed and agreed upon with one's spouse. If one is "hiding" the lunch from a spouse, that probably tells you everything you need to know about whether it should happen or not.

 

[DzynKingRTR]

Not married, but I don't see it as an issue. I have had lunch with colleagues and former colleagues of the opposite sex

 

[mdb-tpet]

Every once in a while, not repeatedly with the same person, normal lunch time and length, and you're open with your spouse, it's probably okay. But for everyone's sake it's better to do this with multiple people and again, and not repeatedly the same person. Otherwise, it's bad optics, and really just asking for a confusion, hurt feelings, etc. otherwise.

 

[DzynKingRTR]

Every once in a while, not repeatedly with the same person, normal lunch time and length, and you're open with your spouse, it's probably okay. But for everyone's sake it's better to do this with multiple people and again, and not repeatedly the same person. Otherwise, it's bad optics, and really just asking for a confusion, hurt feelings, etc. otherwise.

yeah, if you are having lunch every day with only one person from the office, it would start to look suspicious.

Funny story, I have had lunch with 2 current coworkers and one former coworker. All 3 are attractive. Later I went alone and one of the workers thought that I was dating all 3. I assured her I don't have that much game.

 

[mdb-tpet]

yeah, if you are having lunch every day with only one person from the office, it would start to look suspicious.

Funny story, I have had lunch with 2 current coworkers and one former coworker. All 3 are attractive. Later I went alone and one of the workers thought that I was dating all 3. I assured her I don't have that much game.

Ha ha! 3 at one time? No way! That's far too much work and stress.

 

[DzynKingRTR]

Ha ha! 3 at one time? No way! That's far too much work and stress.

no 3 separate visits, so basically a different hottie all 3 times.

 

[Padreruf]

I refrained from doing this...for optics as well as personal reasons. I would meet with women for discussion/counseling in my office -- with a secretary down the hall -- my door had a window. Half-way through the session the secretary would come in and bring me a note. It may say "Hi" but it maintained the atmosphere. Believe it or not, a "successful" pastor can be an easy target of transference from a female member.

Occasionally a female leader/friend would ask to do lunch to just "check up on me"...and I would say yes, but that my wife would be glad to join us. They understood, usually laughed and said "of course." Then I would pick up the check.

 

[Toddrn]

yeah, if you are having lunch every day with only one person from the office, it would start to look suspicious.

Funny story, I have had lunch with 2 current coworkers and one former coworker. All 3 are attractive. Later I went alone and one of the workers thought that I was dating all 3. I assured her I don't have that much game.

That would just be punishment. LOL

 

[rolltide_21]

I

I refrained from doing this...for optics as well as personal reasons. I would meet with women for discussion/counseling in my office -- with a secretary down the hall -- my door had a window. Half-way through the session the secretary would come in and bring me a note. It may say "Hi" but it maintained the atmosphere. Believe it or not, a "successful" pastor can be an easy target of transference from a female member.

Occasionally a female leader/friend would ask to do lunch to just "check up on me"...and I would say yes, but that my wife would be glad to join us. They understood, usually laughed and said "of course." Then I would pick up the check.

I was just about to post something similar and have similar counseling practices. I have strict rules about this issue. I’ve seen many men lose their ministry, reputation, and most importantly their marriage with relationships that started innocently. Even if I text another woman, my wife is included. We’ve been married for 20 years. She is my best friend. Not only do healthy boundaries show you respect your wife and marriage but it shows your general respect for other women too. No person is worth my reputation or marriage.

 

[rolltide_21]

yeah, if you are having lunch every day with only one person from the office, it would start to look suspicious.

Funny story, I have had lunch with 2 current coworkers and one former coworker. All 3 are attractive. Later I went alone and one of the workers thought that I was dating all 3. I assured her I don't have that much game.

Just kidding of course

 

[crimbru]

Married 28 years and never an issue or even discussed actually. From the discussion here it seems to be more of an exterior problem— meaning that the optics are the issue in relation to— what will people we know think if they see it— more so than the strength or weakness of the couple. BLUE FONT— If you are dzyn the optics are flattering but if you are padreuf it means you’re on your way to mega church tv millions

 

[B1GTide]

Wife and I have been together for 35 years. Our relationship is very trusting, but we refrain from this because it is dangerous. You cannot know or control the true feelings of the other party. You have no way to predict where it might take them, or you.

We have no rules against it - or really anything. We love and respect one another. But why put a lifetime at risk, small as that risk might be, for a casual meal? Don't play with fire.

 

[crimsonaudio]

Happily married for 27 years - my wife and I have both always trusted one another but we also don't put ourselves in situations where people can talk (or we can be tempted). So no, I wouldn't go to a 'non working' lunch with a female co-worker, and my wife wouldn't with a male coworker.

My marriage and my wife's trust are far more important to me than any work relationship. And frankly, if a coworker didn't understand this about me, it's safe to assume they don't know me well enough to ask me to lunch anyway.

The world is attacking your marriage constantly - you have to actively protect it.

 

[NationalTitles18]

Group of co-workers/colleagues? yes.

One opposite sex hottie? No, unless it is a working lunch - and then sparingly and on the up and up.

There's always the very rare exception in a professional context when it is not directly "working".

And on-campus is different than going off campus.

But since I work with Mrs. NT18 these days I get to take my hottest coworker home for lunch every day.

 

[oskie]

...
The world is attacking your marriage constantly - you have to actively protect it.

The (prince of this) world is attacking your marriage constantly - you have to actively protect it.

*edit: courtesy of oskie and the NIV

 

[BhamToTexas]

Interesting discussion and advice here. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 20 years now.

At our company we bring in food every week so that everyone can eat together in the kitchen. If there are eating out days it is usually in a group. I would not just go to a casual lunch with a female coworker one on one.

However, there is a fair amount of travel in our business so there have been plenty of out of town dinners one on one. I would consider these working dinners and not just casual/non-working. However, this is obviously more dangerous. I always tell my wife who is going on which trips and what we will be doing.

 

[DzynKingRTR]

thought about this thread today because there are 2 coworkers that have been doing this for a while now. going to lunch just the 2 of them, constantly talking in an office with the door closed, they "hang out" outside of the office. not saying there is something going on but looks like it to me. I guess they are both kind of single, so not that big a deal

 

[Bazza]

-snip-
not saying there is something going on but looks like it to me.
-snip-