A few years have gone by since the dawning of Festivus, but still the pole dancer remained mysteriously an ugly man. I knew better, yet it felt like I should participate in some debauchery. I went and brought a greased Cambodian pig and a goat from a local. The local was easier to find because of his reputation for being a cross-dressing mayor. However, the money was locked in a time lock safe that only opened twice a year. This was, to my surprise, that particular day.
I set out with the money, the pig, and a midget from Boston, who of course, wore no pants. And she really knew how to make a man understand the danger of not having a decent 401K. She was so feisty that my pig started to scratch his hooves and wrecked 'em.
The goat smelled just like an Auburn cheerleader, like rotten oysters. It made my eyes and nose run like an Alabama running back with a tear-away jersey. Her eyes were as brown as a big smelly pile and her gut was lumpy. Her doubled chin tickled the midget's toes, but what was most disturbing was the constant fear of getting in the way of a speedy meth head's bicycle. I tried to move away quickly but my wooden eye fell out. I bent down, split my pants and mooned the on looking Buddhist monk. He winked back and smiled while I stood embarrassed.
Meanwhile, the pole dancer's turgid colon was gurgling "Love Me Tender" but I tried to destroy the image by pinching myself on the right ear lobe. Just then, a bottle of Maalox exploded on the Sasquatch sitting next to the Auburn team veterinarian who mistook him for Coach Ed Orgeron. The Auburn Vet gave rabies shots and anthrax samples to the midget who felt amorous, among other things. The most puzzling thing was how the Asian acrobat, with no limbs, could even move. Most acrobats can't hold their liquor, unless they eat squirrel dumplings with hairballs, which is an Auburn delicacy.
Speaking of Auburn, also known as cow heaven, all National Championship hopes recently vanished when sheep-humping was outlawed by Samuel Jackson. This angered many athletes on campus. The sheep, however, celebrated with great enthusiasm on Toomer's dead grassy knoll. The sheep knew various Kama Sutra positions. Sadly they learned them from Terry Bowden.
Everyone in Knoxville was tired of losing their adult teeth by the age of consensual in-breeding, twelve. Things were so bad that dentures cost over $1,000,000. They requested Congressional approval in assassinating Fulmer, but settled for a chia pet. Without the money, they resorted to rooftop copper thievery.
Without my monkey, I made Franchione gargle whipped cream while juggling assorted rattlesnakes and cottonmouths. Fran squealed when Jessie Jackson revealed Fran's bra size, 38DD. Why would any man with Fran's nasal twang love Tony Franklin? I was amazed by the smell coming from Opelika. It smelled like fear and chitlins.
Tubby is very greasy and double jointed. One time Tubby wore high-heels to Chette Williams' party, but never wore a bustle like Fran did. He was also fond of Siamese pot-bellied pigs with faces that looked like Pat Dye sober and squealed like Fulmer in KFC. Colonel Sanders requested that Phil leave the fat chicks some mashed potatoes to wrestle in. Phil whipped out his video camera and filmed TennStud and four deformed actors from "Deliverance" squealing like pigs singing "War Eagle".
Back in Tuscaloosa, at Bryant Denny Stadium, BAMA was winning thanks to the nomadic gigolo horde and global warming. Sadly, the stadium was shaking like a virgin trembles with Parkinson’s. Instantly, on the Quad, ten semi-nude professors, all men unfortunately, began doing the Macarena. ESPN Game Day filmed it to broadcast in HI DEF but a snow-storm froze off Corso's pasted on smile. Herbstreit was primping his nose-hairs wildly while drinking appletini's. May and Holtz went Depends shopping with a couple of schizophrenic Massachusetts urologists. Rece's hair was better than half gone after he surprised the beehive living in the rear of Coach Fran's big fat lying tongue.
After everything settled an investigator was selected to determine exactly where the People's Championship was invented and by whom. It was determined that a blind NASCAR driver who was best suited for jumping into quicksand pits and armpits, wanted his snowshoes to know where he could teach himself Braille so he could understand Auburn's playbook, simplified as it was after Congress had pity on the illiterate players. Just when you thought you'd seen auburn's worst team, three trustees bribed Moe, Larry, and Curley to sabotage Lowder's plane flying to Area 51.
After Fulmer's resignation the state of Krispy Kreme stock caused Wall Street panic and stock prices to nosedive. Before Lulu could kiss Junior's Skoal-soaked lips, the BBQ boys grilled an iguana to commemorate the last known Auburn pay off to Pat Dye for his strip-tease fiasco. The Houndstooth Twins were still angry about being replaced in the hearts of Bama fans by someone hot. (Namely, Sara Evans and not Roseanne Barr!) The Crimsonettes danced for dollar bills at the Quad, as bulldog fans croomed each other.
Winning the West was the nail in the coffin of Tuberville's career, the pine box fit Tubs perfectly, but his ears kept hanging on like a greased grain of sand. In spite of auburn's bovine cheerleaders wanting to parachute clad in tent wear, the freezing temperatures left them udderly fat and cold. Get it, udderly? But, ya know, even with frostbite burning their armpits like flaming STD's, they were able to get Tubs to flap his ears and take off. But suddenly there was a thud when Charlie Weis saw a pizza being held by eight cross-eyed lions and a penguin standing atop a giant Krispy Kreme "Hot NOW" sign that came tumbling down. Fat Phil was still crying about Johnny Majors' reputation as a ballet choreographer when he saw Coach Fran adjusting his brassiere with a winch. Phil immediately asked, "Is that Kim's bra, or is it mine?"
Fortuitously, Finebaum came dancing on the bandwagon, dressed as a streetwalker that Toomer's Corner regularly experiences when broke cheerleaders use up all their credit at the feed mill. They went bald from using too much of Pat Dye's cough medicine in their horse mane shampoo - but that just excited Gene Chizik's wife. She knew that Auburn smelled much like a skunk dipped in used cooking oil, but her man is such a true auburn fan that he decided that he should kiss a pig. As he puckered his butt cheeks and dropped trou, the ghost of Tater Tot Bowden possessed Gene's body so he began to write his obituary. His obituary started "The Utes won my heart when they beat Alabama's redneck cousin, Auburn, in the People's Annual Trailer Pull.
I set out with the money, the pig, and a midget from Boston, who of course, wore no pants. And she really knew how to make a man understand the danger of not having a decent 401K. She was so feisty that my pig started to scratch his hooves and wrecked 'em.
The goat smelled just like an Auburn cheerleader, like rotten oysters. It made my eyes and nose run like an Alabama running back with a tear-away jersey. Her eyes were as brown as a big smelly pile and her gut was lumpy. Her doubled chin tickled the midget's toes, but what was most disturbing was the constant fear of getting in the way of a speedy meth head's bicycle. I tried to move away quickly but my wooden eye fell out. I bent down, split my pants and mooned the on looking Buddhist monk. He winked back and smiled while I stood embarrassed.
Meanwhile, the pole dancer's turgid colon was gurgling "Love Me Tender" but I tried to destroy the image by pinching myself on the right ear lobe. Just then, a bottle of Maalox exploded on the Sasquatch sitting next to the Auburn team veterinarian who mistook him for Coach Ed Orgeron. The Auburn Vet gave rabies shots and anthrax samples to the midget who felt amorous, among other things. The most puzzling thing was how the Asian acrobat, with no limbs, could even move. Most acrobats can't hold their liquor, unless they eat squirrel dumplings with hairballs, which is an Auburn delicacy.
Speaking of Auburn, also known as cow heaven, all National Championship hopes recently vanished when sheep-humping was outlawed by Samuel Jackson. This angered many athletes on campus. The sheep, however, celebrated with great enthusiasm on Toomer's dead grassy knoll. The sheep knew various Kama Sutra positions. Sadly they learned them from Terry Bowden.
Everyone in Knoxville was tired of losing their adult teeth by the age of consensual in-breeding, twelve. Things were so bad that dentures cost over $1,000,000. They requested Congressional approval in assassinating Fulmer, but settled for a chia pet. Without the money, they resorted to rooftop copper thievery.
Without my monkey, I made Franchione gargle whipped cream while juggling assorted rattlesnakes and cottonmouths. Fran squealed when Jessie Jackson revealed Fran's bra size, 38DD. Why would any man with Fran's nasal twang love Tony Franklin? I was amazed by the smell coming from Opelika. It smelled like fear and chitlins.
Tubby is very greasy and double jointed. One time Tubby wore high-heels to Chette Williams' party, but never wore a bustle like Fran did. He was also fond of Siamese pot-bellied pigs with faces that looked like Pat Dye sober and squealed like Fulmer in KFC. Colonel Sanders requested that Phil leave the fat chicks some mashed potatoes to wrestle in. Phil whipped out his video camera and filmed TennStud and four deformed actors from "Deliverance" squealing like pigs singing "War Eagle".
Back in Tuscaloosa, at Bryant Denny Stadium, BAMA was winning thanks to the nomadic gigolo horde and global warming. Sadly, the stadium was shaking like a virgin trembles with Parkinson’s. Instantly, on the Quad, ten semi-nude professors, all men unfortunately, began doing the Macarena. ESPN Game Day filmed it to broadcast in HI DEF but a snow-storm froze off Corso's pasted on smile. Herbstreit was primping his nose-hairs wildly while drinking appletini's. May and Holtz went Depends shopping with a couple of schizophrenic Massachusetts urologists. Rece's hair was better than half gone after he surprised the beehive living in the rear of Coach Fran's big fat lying tongue.
After everything settled an investigator was selected to determine exactly where the People's Championship was invented and by whom. It was determined that a blind NASCAR driver who was best suited for jumping into quicksand pits and armpits, wanted his snowshoes to know where he could teach himself Braille so he could understand Auburn's playbook, simplified as it was after Congress had pity on the illiterate players. Just when you thought you'd seen auburn's worst team, three trustees bribed Moe, Larry, and Curley to sabotage Lowder's plane flying to Area 51.
After Fulmer's resignation the state of Krispy Kreme stock caused Wall Street panic and stock prices to nosedive. Before Lulu could kiss Junior's Skoal-soaked lips, the BBQ boys grilled an iguana to commemorate the last known Auburn pay off to Pat Dye for his strip-tease fiasco. The Houndstooth Twins were still angry about being replaced in the hearts of Bama fans by someone hot. (Namely, Sara Evans and not Roseanne Barr!) The Crimsonettes danced for dollar bills at the Quad, as bulldog fans croomed each other.
Winning the West was the nail in the coffin of Tuberville's career, the pine box fit Tubs perfectly, but his ears kept hanging on like a greased grain of sand. In spite of auburn's bovine cheerleaders wanting to parachute clad in tent wear, the freezing temperatures left them udderly fat and cold. Get it, udderly? But, ya know, even with frostbite burning their armpits like flaming STD's, they were able to get Tubs to flap his ears and take off. But suddenly there was a thud when Charlie Weis saw a pizza being held by eight cross-eyed lions and a penguin standing atop a giant Krispy Kreme "Hot NOW" sign that came tumbling down. Fat Phil was still crying about Johnny Majors' reputation as a ballet choreographer when he saw Coach Fran adjusting his brassiere with a winch. Phil immediately asked, "Is that Kim's bra, or is it mine?"
Fortuitously, Finebaum came dancing on the bandwagon, dressed as a streetwalker that Toomer's Corner regularly experiences when broke cheerleaders use up all their credit at the feed mill. They went bald from using too much of Pat Dye's cough medicine in their horse mane shampoo - but that just excited Gene Chizik's wife. She knew that Auburn smelled much like a skunk dipped in used cooking oil, but her man is such a true auburn fan that he decided that he should kiss a pig. As he puckered his butt cheeks and dropped trou, the ghost of Tater Tot Bowden possessed Gene's body so he began to write his obituary. His obituary started "The Utes won my heart when they beat Alabama's redneck cousin, Auburn, in the People's Annual Trailer Pull.
