Re: Post an SEC CF joke to kill the time until the game starts-keep it somewhat clean
I found these just now:
A man takes his wife, (who use to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"
So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"
An Auburn man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
An Auburn City lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer livin' outside Tuscaloosa. The farmer's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Auburn?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Talking to athletic director David Housel, "Dave, I need a raise," Tommy Tubberville pleaded.
"Hell, Coach," he shrugged, "We just hired you, and you make more money than the entire English department. How can I justify giving you a raise?"
"I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach replied, opening the office door and calling in Demontray Carter, the team's star tailback. "Son," the coach said to the player, "run over to my office and see if I'm there."
"Sure, Coach." Twenty minutes later, the winded athlete returned. "No, sir, Coach,"
he panted, "you ain't there."
Thanking the player and sending him back to practice, the coach turned to the Housel and asked, "Now do you understand?"
"I sure do," he agreed. "The dumb sob could have phoned."
An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Aubie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Aubie, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
One year when the Tigers were having the Annual Auburn Meeting (where the freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors of Auburn get together) in a cow pasture, the Senior Class President started a speech. He was interrupted by a Alabama man which came over the hill and yelled "Auburn Sucks!" The Senior Class President said to the freshmen "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the freshmen got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent. The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn Tigers are stupid!"
The Senior Class President said to the sophomores "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the sophomores got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent.
The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn Fans are a bunch of idiots!"
The Senior Class President said to the rest of them "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the juniors and seniors got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent.
One of the seniors came crawling back and said "It was a trick, there were two of them."
I found these just now:
A man takes his wife, (who use to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"
So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"
An Auburn man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
An Auburn City lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer livin' outside Tuscaloosa. The farmer's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Auburn?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Talking to athletic director David Housel, "Dave, I need a raise," Tommy Tubberville pleaded.
"Hell, Coach," he shrugged, "We just hired you, and you make more money than the entire English department. How can I justify giving you a raise?"
"I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach replied, opening the office door and calling in Demontray Carter, the team's star tailback. "Son," the coach said to the player, "run over to my office and see if I'm there."
"Sure, Coach." Twenty minutes later, the winded athlete returned. "No, sir, Coach,"
he panted, "you ain't there."
Thanking the player and sending him back to practice, the coach turned to the Housel and asked, "Now do you understand?"
"I sure do," he agreed. "The dumb sob could have phoned."
An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Aubie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Aubie, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
One year when the Tigers were having the Annual Auburn Meeting (where the freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors of Auburn get together) in a cow pasture, the Senior Class President started a speech. He was interrupted by a Alabama man which came over the hill and yelled "Auburn Sucks!" The Senior Class President said to the freshmen "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the freshmen got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent. The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn Tigers are stupid!"
The Senior Class President said to the sophomores "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the sophomores got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent.
The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn Fans are a bunch of idiots!"
The Senior Class President said to the rest of them "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the juniors and seniors got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was silent.
One of the seniors came crawling back and said "It was a trick, there were two of them."
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