Need some advice from the introverts on the board.

[Bamabuzzard]

Alright, here's the situation. One of my old friends has moved back into town. We met during my last two years of college, ran around together, real good buds. After graduating, his career choice carried him out of town where he got married, had a couple of kids etc. Now 18 years later he has moved back and lives about five miles from where I do. We've reconnected nicely, like he'd never left. We've both "changed" but in a good way. His two kids are about the same age as my older two. They get along great. They've been back for about six months.

Here's the deal, we've gotten together several times since they've moved back and cooked out, either at our house or theirs. We've (my wife and I) enjoyed getting together with them and hanging out. He talks about how he loves getting together. However, his wife is an introvert. He told me this (in passing) after the first few times our families got together to hang out. I believe he felt the need to tell me due to his wife's aloof and seemingly disinterested behavior the first few times we hung out. She's not mean, or rude or anything like that. She seems to be a very sweet person. But what ultimately ends up happening is my friend, me and my wife end up "hanging out" and "socializing" and his wife subtly distances herself and disengages from the group.

My wife and I feel bad, almost like we're leaving her out, or she's having a bad time. Do any of y'all have any suggestions of what we could do (socially) to make it easier for her or maybe less stressful for her to be involved? I know one of things regarding introverts is being around people can "drain" them. Doesn't mean they don't like people. But it can drain them. Any suggestions?

 

[bamachile]

I recommend medical Marijuana.

 

[Bamabuzzard]

i recommend medical marijuana.

Roll Tide!!!!

 

[cbi1972]

Alright, here's the situation. One of my old friends has moved back into town. We met during my last two years of college, ran around together, real good buds. After graduating, his career choice carried him out of town where he got married, had a couple of kids etc. Now 18 years later he has moved back and lives about five miles from where I do. We've reconnected nicely, like he'd never left. We've both "changed" but in a good way. His two kids are about the same age as my older two. They get along great. They've been back for about six months.

Here's the deal, we've gotten together several times since they've moved back and cooked out, either at our house or theirs. We've (my wife and I) enjoyed getting together with them and hanging out. He talks about how he loves getting together. However, his wife is an introvert. He told me this (in passing) after the first few times our families got together to hang out. I believe he felt the need to tell me due to his wife's aloof and seemingly disinterested behavior the first few times we hung out. She's not mean, or rude or anything like that. She seems to be a very sweet person. But what ultimately ends up happening is my friend, me and my wife end up "hanging out" and "socializing" and his wife subtly distances herself and disengages from the group.

My wife and I feel bad, almost like we're leaving her out, or she's having a bad time. Do any of y'all have any suggestions of what we could do (socially) to make it easier for her or maybe less stressful for her to be involved? I know one of things regarding introverts is being around people can "drain" them. Doesn't mean they don't like people. But it can drain them. Any suggestions?

Continue gently offering to include her in various ways, but do not draw attention to her or ask her to explain her behavior. Also, you might come over without your wife until she feels comfortable with only you. Find a common interest. Or just let her do her thing.

 

[92tide]

is she hot

 

[Bamabuzzard]

is she hot

Hot enough. I think cbi1972's advice is the best way to go.

Continue gently offering to include her in various ways, but do not draw attention to her or ask her to explain her behavior. Also, you might come over without your wife until she feels comfortable with only you. Find a common interest. Or just let her do her thing.

 

[Bazza]

Wine seems to be a pretty good way to get a woman "loosened" up.....

 

[Bamabuzzard]

Wine seems to be a pretty good way to get a woman "loosened" up.....

She doesn't drink. *bummer*

 

[Bazza]

She doesn't drink. *bummer*

There's your problem right there....:biggrin:

 

[92tide]

Hot enough. I think cbi1972's advice is the best way to go.

heh. his point at the end, just let her do her thing, i think is probably a good bet.

 

[cbi1972]

Put her bedding, litterbox, food, and toys in a spare bedroom or bathroom, and keep noise and visitors to a minimum. Introduce other members of the household one at a time in calm, quiet, and low-stress situations.

 

[MattinBama]

I would also go with just kind of let her be and adjust to the situation as she wants.

Maybe plan some activities where there isn't as much social interaction required. Watching/going to a movie, things of that nature. Stuff where you guys can hang out but the pressure to carry on conversations isn't as high.

 

[AlexanderFan]

Exposure to you and your wife is key, and finding something she's passionate about to make her forget she's an introvert for a minute.


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[CaliforniaTide]

I'd classify myself as an introvert that's learned to turn it on/off when placed in social situations. One thing that's helped me is playing board games with the others in the social function. It may also help to just have your wife take her out on some coffee or something like that.

 

[92tide]

I'd classify myself as an introvert that's learned to turn it on/off when placed in social situations. One thing that's helped me is playing board games with the others in the social function. It may also help to just have your wife take her out on some coffee or something like that.

i'm sort of the same way. 10 years in retail helped me learn to turn it off in certain situations

 

[TIDE-HSV]

I'd classify myself as an introvert that's learned to turn it on/off when placed in social situations. One thing that's helped me is playing board games with the others in the social function. It may also help to just have your wife take her out on some coffee or something like that.

I like this. Your wife is the key. Try to arrange things where you and your friend are doing supervised grilling and see if your wife can find what interests her and let her break down the wall. It'll work, just takes time...

 

[TideMom2Boys]

I'd classify myself as an introvert that's learned to turn it on/off when placed in social situations. One thing that's helped me is playing board games with the others in the social function. It may also help to just have your wife take her out on some coffee or something like that.

Great idea! Board games are a great conversation starter. I would choose games like Scattergories or "Cards against humanity" if you really want people to laugh and open up. Lol

She will probably get more and more comfortable with you guys as time goes on.

 

[92tide]

Great idea! Board games are a great conversation starter. I would choose games like Scattergories or "Cards against humanity" if you really want people to laugh and open up. Lol

She will probably get more and more comfortable with you guys as time goes on.

twister would probably work too

 

[4Q Basket Case]

As a bit of an introvert myself, I can tell you it's important to distinguish between being shy and being an introvert.

Shyness is really fear...fear of not being accepted, making an embarrassing mistake (real or imagined), and so forth. Being introverted is being unusually sensitive to (and either not needing or not liking) noise, superficial social chit-chat, etc.

It's not that introverts don't care what others think. Its just that they're often quite comfortable in their own skin, and don't need (or necessarily even want) external reinforcement of who they are.

A shy person doesn't go to a high school reunion because the memories are so painful. An introvert doesn't go because they're fulfilled elsewhere. They don't feel the need to reconnect with people who aren't now, and never were, part of that fulfillment.

So what would appear on the surface to be similar behaviors can actually can have quite different roots.

I could go for hours on this. But Susan Cain already explained it outstandingly well in her book, Quiet. I highly recommend it to anyone trying to understand an introvert.

That recommendation holds whether that's the introvert him/herself -- because they've often been told heir whole lives (as I was) that there's something wrong with them -- or a non-introvert who just can't fathom why this person doesn't engage more.

 

[NationalTitles18]

Get the hubby to tell you something she enjoys and would like to do and maybe you guys do that some time. Find out her interests and converse about them. Don't try to force it or show false interest but you'll have to make an effort. Even then it's not like she's going to totally change her personality. Additionally, there may be some home sickness or the like on her part if she's far from home.