Question about a parent with dementia

[Bodhisattva]

So, I've mentioned before that my mom has dementia and is in an assisted living community. I'll be moving her to a now place this weekend. Her behavior has become progressively worse recently. Her core personality trait of being pointlessly stubborn has intensified - won't willingly take her meds or shower or eat a meal at the appointed time. She's basically become a bratty, contrarian toddler who's pushing 80. And why am I moving her to a new place? Because she's been effectively evicted from her current community. Mom has also become violent. What was once an occasional slap of another resident has now become an every-week-or-two episode of punching and biting, not just of other residents but of the staff. She also tries to steal any dogs the staff brings in for the residents to enjoy. They've had enough her. Understandable.

My question is as the dementia progresses, will she start to mellow out? I don't want to keep finding her a new place to live every year or two. (This new place will be her third.) These communities are a money pit. This month is overlapping rent and neither place will pro-rate. And every new place requires a "community fee" - a $3000 entry fee that is not a deposit and is separate from the rent. So, this month will cost me over $10k. I'm praying she mellows out, stops acting like a violent brat, and can actually enjoy and appreciate all the personalized care she is being given.

 

[Tidewater]

I'm really sorry to hear that.
I am not so sure that as dementia advances the patient mellows. Maybe, but maybe not.

Doctors have figured out how to make people live longer, but not how to keep an old person's brain working normally. Speaking from experience.

 

[Tidewater]

My father-in-law passed away two years ago.
At the end, he was like a child. His level of understanding was that of a four year old. All we could do was be there for him, make him as comfortable as possible, and comfort him.
He never got disruptive or angry, though, so that was a blessing.

 

[Bazza]

Tough situation, Bodhi - sorry to hear. I really don't know enough to answer your question. Nor do I have any advice on what to do to help.

My Mom was in assisted living for about a year and a half and there were a few episodes of conflict with others there - both residents and staff. A lot of this falls under the responsibility of the staff to handle things. Many of them understand it goes with the territory - but absolutely there is a limit to what can be allowed, which is obviously where you are with Mom.

Not sure how much good it did but I would actually type out a short letter to my Mom and bring it with me when I visited here - for her to read and retain. In it I would try to explain how important it is to try and get the most out of the place she is at. And that everyone is trying to help her. Etc etc.

Maybe things will be better at the new place - will be praying for you and Mom - good luck brother!

 

[Padreruf]

So, I've mentioned before that my mom has dementia and is in an assisted living community. I'll be moving her to a now place this weekend. Her behavior has become progressively worse recently. Her core personality trait of being pointlessly stubborn has intensified - won't willingly take her meds or shower or eat a meal at the appointed time. She's basically become a bratty, contrarian toddler who's pushing 80. And why am I moving her to a new place? Because she's been effectively evicted from her current community. Mom has also become violent. What was once an occasional slap of another resident has now become an every-week-or-two episode of punching and biting, not just of other residents but of the staff. She also tries to steal any dogs the staff brings in for the residents to enjoy. They've had enough her. Understandable.

My question is as the dementia progresses, will she start to mellow out? I don't want to keep finding her a new place to live every year or two. (This new place will be her third.) These communities are a money pit. This month is overlapping rent and neither place will pro-rate. And every new place requires a "community fee" - a $3000 entry fee that is not a deposit and is separate from the rent. So, this month will cost me over $10k. I'm praying she mellows out, stops acting like a violent brat, and can actually enjoy and appreciate all the personalized care she is being given.

Some do mellow...mostly from physical weakness. You could have a conversation with her internist about some medication to mellow her out. It could hasten her demise, but that's not all bad. My father was on Haldol for at least 4 years and in the end it was what took his life, not the Lewy body dementia, the Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's disease. My physician sister had cooperated with his physicians in this and we all (5 siblings) concurred. We could have taken him off the Haldol but he would have had to be restrained, and this WWII veteran would want none of that.

Sometimes there are no good decisions, only less bad ones.

 

[Bodhisattva]

Tough situation, Bodhi - sorry to hear. I really don't know enough to answer your question. Nor do I have any advice on what to do to help.

My Mom was in assisted living for about a year and a half and there were a few episodes of conflict with others there - both residents and staff. A lot of this falls under the responsibility of the staff to handle things. Many of them understand it goes with the territory - but absolutely there is a limit to what can be allowed, which is obviously where you are with Mom.

Not sure how much good it did but I would actually type out a short letter to my Mom and bring it with me when I visited here - for her to read and retain. In it I would try to explain how important it is to try and get the most out of the place she is at. And that everyone is trying to help her. Etc etc.

Maybe things will be better at the new place - will be praying for you and Mom - good luck brother!

Tried that - many times - and it didn't take. I posted a summary bullet point letter in several places around her room, explaining where she was, why she was there, about the staff who were there to help her, why it's important to take her medications, and that I would see her every Saturday morning. She tore down and threw away the posted letters every time. She will not do anything anyone else suggests, even if it is 100% to her best interests. She has devolved to her core personality on steroids.

I hope you're right about the new place. Maybe it will have better results with medications and activities that will get her to behave like a somewhat normal adult. Or maybe she will just keep devolving and I'll be looking for another place for her within the year.